[Oasis12011]

I'm in need of help quickly. This post might long. My boyfriend (43) and me (20) have been dating for 6 months. It's perfect, he's perfect, apart from the sex drive.

The first night we had sex, it was all night. Literally, all night. After that, I'm down to once a week, two if I'm lucky. We live a hour or so away so we only see each other at weekends. So we basically have 3 days a week together.... But I would've thought it would make him want to have sex more.

I try to turn him on, and by all accounts, he is aroused. But he does nothing about it. I've tried everything. But he'll always make up a excuse... Either we have to go out or he's tired or he's ill or whatever. There's always something. He'll tease me too, He'll grope me and play a little and ill reciprocate, but eventually he stops and is more interested in whatever else. Which just adds to the frustration.

We spoke about it a little and he explained he isn't as fit as he used to be. Which is understandable. But he never does all the work. It's never one sided, and I've told him that if he is physically tired, I have no problem doing all the work. Yet, that chat didn't improve our sex life.

I'm ready to explode. We've been dating 6 months, and it feels like our sex life is like a 10 year relationship should be. Sex for me is a big big component of a relationship and I don't think I can be with him for however long with the sex drive he has now. It's a real deal breaker.

Is there anything I can do to improve his sex drive? I'll take anything, I really need to sort this.

[rcoreyus]

There are a lot of threads on this here, it might be worth reading some. It seems that people's sex drives vary a lot, and there my not be anything you can do. I wouldn't recommend staying in a relationship where there is a huge mismatch in sex drives, it leads to all sorts of problems.

btw - a 10 year relationship can still have lots of good sex. As can a 30 year relationship.

I'm sure you will get other comments as well.

[jen1447]

All other things aside, if regular sex is really important to you and it will stay that way longterm ....put it this way, what do you see happening 25 years from now when you're 45 and he's 68? I'm not one to normally veto relationships due to age differences, but this seems like asking for trouble.

[effy2014]

Arousal and sex starts with the brain. Get to the root of his problem and try your best to solve it. Does the age difference intimidate him with sex? Does he have a body image issue? Is there a physical issue (ED for example)

The best you can do is communicate honestly with him. Express, in a non judgmental way, that his unwillingness to be sexual is impacting you both physically and emotionally. Explain that you will help in any way possible. But also be firm that the relationship cannot continue at the current level of sexual activity.

Jenn was absolutely correct. Is will not get any better without your active intervention. He will only get older which, if the current path is followed, will also mean less sexual. As Corey stated, there are lots of men (and the men who post here) who stay very sexual while aging.

[Pollon]

Could it be that he is feeling uncomfortable being in a relationship with someone less than half his age?

Has your age difference been discussed? How do you two deal with friends and family?

Could it be that he is realizing that this relationship won't work and he is pulling back?

[atskitty2]

I'm a little confused by, how you say, he is aroused but doesn't want to, or won't have sex. He makes excuses or cites reasons not to? I would dig a little deeper on that. I haven't had experience with men who refused sex because it'd make them late to the family BBQ, or work, or anything for that matter

I agree that a mismatch in libido is potentially a deal breaker. Better to get to the root of it, figure out if it's fixable and act accordingly.

I'm also not opposed to dating someone of different ages or generation. But, the fact is that our age does indicate some general qualities that typically occur, or are more common at that age. It could be he just isn't excited about sex any more-and maybe he never really was. Unless you question old girlfriends you won't know, but maybe he is a low-sex-drive person.

Has he had his testosterone checked?
Does he fear a pregnancy?