[moonnstars]

Hello all! This is my first post here but I am looking for advice, or actually encouragement.

Sorry for the length, it got a little longer than I intended

I was with my ex for over 5 years. We were at that point where we were talking of marriage and starting a family, we are both in our late 20s. I was in the middle of furthering my education to have a good career so I could put forth my part to ensure that we would be able to afford a comfortable lifestyle and be financially prepared to have children (I know you can never be fully prepared but at least we thought about it first). My latest educational pursuit put some strain on our relationship because we weren't able to be together as much.

We experienced a rough time where my ex was going through a lot of personal stress, he separated from me (needing "space") and unknown to me started seeing a mutual friend of ours. I think they refer to that sudden flip of a switch as the grass is greener syndrome, or cold feet. We didn't talk during this time. Fast forward a month of them being together, and she was pregnant! My ex called me to tell me, and of course told me that he still loved me and didn't know why this was happening. He said he wanted to come back to me but then found out she was pregnant and was now going to stay for the sake of the child because he doesn't want his children to grow up split between two parents. He said he would never forget about me and would always love me and wish things could be different. Or that's what he told me at least.

At first (before the pregnancy) it hurt to get left like that, but I realize we are all human and sometimes we go a little crazy so I felt given the stressful circumstances in his life at the moment, I could forgive him if he truly showed that he had made a horrible mistake. But then to find out he was expecting a child with this woman, I was crushed! Especially crushed at everything he told me, that he hadn't forgot about me during our separation, that he still loved me and wanted to be with me, everything that I would have welcomed him to say and would have tried to work out our relationship but now there is the pregnancy involved. I don't blame him for wanting to keep a family together but I still can't help but to be so hurt from everything. I feel like everything we had worked on for so many years has just been given to this other woman. I feel like she is living the life I was supposed to live. It was as if he was kind of running away from responsibilities towards me and our relationship, and he just ran right into something that has more responsibilities than we ever had together.

It has been a few weeks and I still can't come to terms with things, but I know it will take time to heal from something like this. I do not talk to him since he told me the news, but hear that things are not great with him. She is very young so he has to bear most of the financial responsibilities of the child. I have done some reading on other women in these situations, and most women say the only way they want to stay together is if the man has nothing to do with the child... but I am the opposite! I could never hate an innocent child for the way it was brought into this world, nor deny a child a chance to have a relationship with its father. But in most situations the man wants to be back with the ex and have nothing to do with the child's mother, but my ex wants to make a relationship work with her instead.

I guess I am only here to share my story and find some words of encouragement. I pretty much know things are done and I need to find someone else to start new with, but pickings are kind of slim at my age. But deep down, I feel like if my ex came to me and said he wanted to work things out with me I would honestly give him a second chance, after we both spent time alone (not together but not seeing others) to gather our thoughts and see if it was something we really wanted to try to work through. I think all of my friends are tired of hearing me talk about this and tell me to move on already, which I am trying but it is still painful after so many years to let go of a life and dreams you thought you would share with someone. Let alone the fact that I really loved his family, and my family is not very involved in my life so I kind of took them in as my own true family. I have been praying every night for myself, as well as for my ex and his unborn child and even his child's mother because she is so young. But now I could use some prayers and encouragement for myself. It helps to hear from others who can offer words of wisdom or share similar stories. Everything just happened so fast and it was just been really hurtful to not only try to move on and break from the routine of a long relationship, but to have a pregnancy happen when we were planning on trying in the next year or so. And I feel pathetic that I even care, because after all he was the one that left me for so called greener pastures, and didn't realize what he lost and what he wanted until he got too deep with someone else.

[Baboy]

moonnstars,

Welcome to the forum.

Pls. take a look at the thread started today "The Affair". A lot of similarities.

I have to get back to work and can't say much right now, but I am sure others will. I'll part with a few observations.

You say you feel that the other woman is living the life you were supposed to live. Sounds to me she is getting something vastly inferior to the life you deserve. Your bf told you he wanted to return to you, but now is staying with her due to the pregnancy. If true, that is rather sad. That means he is settling for less than what he wants, which will eventually show, and his new gf, unknown to her, is second choice which, again, is entirely likely to manifest in trouble down the road.

You come across as a clear thinker and not much in need of advice. As you said, you need encouragement more than anything. Even that I do not see as being a great need. You need time to get over this.

As for "slim picking" at your age, think again! You are late 20s; my goodness, far from over the hill. In fact, the hill has not yet come within sight. You have a long, long time to find the relationship you deserve.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You're such a beautiful person moonnstars.

There is nothing wrong with wanting the best for a child regardless of who's child it is and I commend you on that, I really do.

I am guessing she will be very emotionally draining and needy and possibly even was when he met her, needed someone, may have even deliberately got pregnant as some girls seem to do, to "catch" someone, anyone, just wanting. It's the way the World evolves unfortunately and people can stray and get caught up in it. Who knows who instigated what.

But, what I never, ever get is the blame game or poor me.. It seems to be such a trait of how to leave someone. Blame them or go for compassion so they themselves don't have to feel bad.

You have your head screwed on the right way. Look in the mirror (my fav saying) and really look deep. You have the career that you were "going" to do in your mind, more than anything to financially support the "family" to be.. Go do it but do it for you, not for a man or a couple's life. Love isn't about money.

Talk to his family and see if they are "ok" with you still being friends with them, I think that, that is important for now but in that, perhaps state and believe that it's about them and you, not him in discussions.

Whatever is out there for you is a whole lot better than what you just copped.

True love has no ending, he'd like to think he is a man by standing by his child but in honestly, a man would still stand by his child but also the one he truly loves. I think that, he is happy drifting financially, getting by and you have goals and dreams and will make it.. I think that if you were with him and you "do" make it, as you will, there would be conflict as he wouldn't personally care himself to get anywhere.

I have a feeling this will be a blessing in the long run.

Keep your chin up.

[effy2014]

You will get through this and be stronger for it. I agree with BB's observation; the other woman got the short end of the stick as did your BF. They are locked in a relationship not of love but of obligation.

You are in your late 20s, more mature and, hopefully, more in tune with what you need and want in a man. You have loads of time to find a better man. One who might even understand birth control methods ......

[moonnstars]

Thank you all for the kind words.

I read through "the affair" post and did notice similarities. When my ex left he told me some similar things, I love you but not in love with you, those type of things. I'll admit, things get a little stale after years of being together, that's inevitable I guess. At the time when he started acting distant towards me he started talking to this other girl. There was excitement there for him, a girl who was always perfect and could do no wrong. There were no bills or daily responsibilities with her, or baggage from the past. No wonder he left because it probably looked like a gold mind, how could I compete with a fantasy?

As far as his family goes, they still all care for me and feel bad for what happened. I never really saw them too much unless I was with my ex, so they know what is going on but we haven't really talked about the whole situation especially since the pregnancy came out, I think I want to get that talk out of the way and then we can move on to being 'friends' without involving him. There are a lot of emotions involved to just pretend like something like this didn't happen.

I guess my biggest problem is that my mind is just still warped from everything he told me. I have only talked to him once since the break up, and that was for him to tell me she was pregnant and he still loved me. And it wasn't even in person it was on the phone. So one fairly quick phone conversation and some texts for 5 years of a relationship. I guess it just feels like there is a lot of unfinished business. I feel like I would feel better if I could sit down face to face with him and say my peace but it's doubtful that will happen, he even said when I mentioned it on the phone that it would be too difficult for him and me to do that. I almost feel like he is still living in fantasy land with her, they didn't even have time for the 'newness' to wear off before they are on to something else new. And he has not even been alone to even think about our relationship and what it meant to him, and at the point it was finally starting to sink in he finds out he is going to be a father. Man if I thought it was tough on my end I wonder what his end is like! I go to bed at night knowing I didn't put myself in this situation, but he goes to bed at night knowing he is the one responsible for all of this mess. I guess that's an assumption though, because he could be content with where he is at. I know he is excited to be a father.

I know I just need time but time just takes so long! And don't worry guys, I've been going out with people and even kind of going on dates (not ready to be serious with someone though) since the week he broke up with me, so at least I'm doing something right.

[effy2014]

I guess it just feels like there is a lot of unfinished business. I feel like I would feel better if I could sit down face to face with him and say my peace but it's doubtful that will happen, he even said when I mentioned it on the phone that it would be too difficult for him and me to do that. I almost feel like he is still living in fantasy land with her, they didn't even have time for the 'newness' to wear off before they are on to something else new. And he has not even been alone to even think about our relationship and what it meant to him, and at the point it was finally starting to sink in he finds out he is going to be a father. Man if I thought it was tough on my end I wonder what his end is like! I go to bed at night knowing I didn't put myself in this situation, but he goes to bed at night knowing he is the one responsible for all of this mess. I guess that's an assumption though, because he could be content with where he is at. I know he is excited to be a father.

If I could offer one more piece of advice (well, maybe two, but they are related). You are a very nice person and still love him. But, at this point don't try to help him through it or try to get closure from him. The more you try (and fail), the worse it gets. My SO tried for years with her ex and it drove her nuts. He will either: (i) get defensive and give you more things that were either wrong with your relationship giving you more unfinished business; or (ii) tell you he loves you more than ever, putting you in the position of deciding whether to continue and break up his current relationship. Finish the unfinished business yourself, either in therapy of just working through it. You are doing the right thing in moving on.

[jen1447]

Interesting thing about "the affair" and this one is that the guys strayed in search of emotional fulfillment (presumably). That's usually why women cheat, while men moreso do it just for sex.

Hugs for you moonnstars. Be strong.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I seem to have a different take Jen. In the "Affair" her husband clearly used sex as a means to give her anything, however I think that post came later, I highlighted what he said to her. So, he was interested in sex, not emotions .

[aura969]

I am sorry that you are in this situation, but the fact that he is going to have a kid with another woman doesn’t mean that he doesn’t deserve to be happy with the person he loves. Staying with a person, because he’s obliged won’t make his kid’s life better, quite the opposite. He can be there for his kid and raise him and be a good father, without committing to a life of unhappiness with a woman he does not love. He is either a martyr or he is lying and he does love her. Try and talk to a professional or to an astrologer about your compatibility with other men to find out which course of action to take.

[ThisOneThought]

"I know I just need time but time just takes so long!"

Doesn't it? I wish I knew you in real life. You seem like a great person, and someone who would be a great friend because you clearly possess rational thoughts. To me, he almost sounds too immature for you. He has already caused you enough pain, I think that life's plan is working out in your favor. You wouldn't want to get back with him and then deal with the baggage of the other woman and her child as they are still connected to him. It could cause a lot of extra problems that you are better off not dealing with. I do agree with you though on the thought that there wasn't adequate closure. When there is not the closure there, it's hard to move forward. You still have one foot rooted in the past and you can't continue on. What would be your idea of closure with him? What would you need him to say to make things feel better and allow you to move on?