[Alkene]

My boyfriend keep having fights over ridiculous things and I don't know what to do. For example today he wouldn't come with me to get food and I was annoyed because he ate my sandwich in the fridge and refused to come with me, even though he was literally doing nothing. Laying down. Not sleeping. Just talking, while laying. And he refused, which annoyed me, because I always go places with him, no matter where; if he asks, I go. This escalated, to the point I thought "I should just end this." It was so stupid. Who fights over things like this?!?
But whenever I try to talk to him about what our problems are he always says "maybe you should find another boyfriend." Or "there's the door." I don't want to leave, I want him, but I also want to be happy. We live together in a city where neither of us has family so it isn't possible to try a separation. And we never have time together anymore, real time. We used to go rollerblading and for walks and just do things. Walk around the mall, go sit in a coffee shop and talk. ANYTHING. It was great, but now we do nothing.
When we fight he tries to win. I have never fought to win. It was always to get my point across and to figure things out. But now we fight so much I have started to fight to win, and it bothers me. So I try to stop it and say things like "this isn't a competition, let's stop." But he always replies, "yeah it is, and I'm winning." It's so frustrating! It's like dealing with a child! In the last year I have found myself saying things purely to hurt his feelings, which gets really bad because I have never done this before and so he get's really hurt because he honestly thinks I mean it; I just get so wrapped up.
He was going to work out of town, so he said "we will have to have quality time so that we keep our relationship alive." He ended up staying in town, and quality time never happened and I told him that. He said "now we have quantity." It makes me feel unwanted.
But I don't know how to get him to actually talk to me. It sucks, we have been together for 5yrs and I don't want to throw that all away. But I worry, what if I start to hate him? Any advice on how to fix this?

[effy2014]

Your boyfriend seems incredibly immature. How old are you both?

What you are fighting over is not ridiculous in the least. You are fighting over, and for, respect in the relationship. You are fighting to be appreciated. His responses tend to show an uncaring attitude for things that you find important. He is fighting for dominance in the relationship . . . he shows you the door knowing that you will never leave. If you stay, he believes that he has license to do whatever he wants. In his mind, he is winning.

You have not thrown the last five years away, even if you leave the relationship. You have had many years of wonderful times and have learned a lot about what you need in a relationship to survive. Rather than look backwards . . . those 5 years are gone . . . think forward. Is this what you want your life to be like 2,3 or 4 years from now? Do you want a guy who sits around, disrespects you and fights with you only for the victory?

You can only fix it by communicating (not fighting) with him. He needs to understand that the relationship is really on the line if the two of you cannot compromise on a shared set of values and to make the relationship more equal. You need to be assertive. If there is no family around, stay with a girlfriend for a day or two to show that you are serious that its fix it or lose it time.

[jen1447]

What you are fighting over is not ridiculous in the least. You are fighting over, and for, respect in the relationship. You are fighting to be appreciated. His responses tend to show an uncaring attitude for things that you find important. He is fighting for dominance in the relationship . . . he shows you the door knowing that you will never leave. If you stay, he believes that he has license to do whatever he wants. In his mind, he is winning.

effy, you've got a knack for spot-on analysis. Must be all those corporate contracts.

I'll just echo the remarks about "throwing away" your time investment. Ending a dysfunctional relationship in no way invalidates or wastes the time spent. Your life is what it is, whether your time's been spent well or not. Look at the this way instead - does deliberately staying in a bad relationship somehow validate the time spent, or does it just make you lose more time dallying around in a situation that's harmful to you? You can't get back the time spent, but you sure as hell can keep from losing more.

[effy2014]

Thanks Jen. The need to be assertive was a homage to you.