[Ness25]

Hi everyone,
My boyfriend of almost four years ended it with me last week. Although at first we had a small break allowing him time to think about things, on Sunday he told me that he doesn't love me anymore as he did and that he thinks what he does feel for me is more like for a friend. Also that he doesn't want our relationship. Im utterly devastated and heartbroken. We'd been together for three years before moving in together. For both of us this was our first serious relationship, we both moved in together from living with family so it was a lot of changes and firsts. He is my best friend and means the world to me. There was and even up until recently a lot of affection and intimacy between us. We have a lot in common, we laugh together and I thought we had an honest relationship and committed relationship. I personally view him as the one and am finding it extremely difficult to accept that it's over. Only a few months ago whilst away he mentioned that it'd be a nice location for us to get married! We was both very serious and in love with one another so I just am finding this incredibly difficult.

After he ended it I reflected back and I have to say that for the last 6 months I have been extremely low in myself, dealing with anxiety and depression. I've had lots of different things going on in my life that led me to perhaps rely heavily on my partner and I'm aware that at times I would pick an argument and find it difficult to drop it. We didn't clash but my moods definitely had an impact on how I'd be sometimes stressy and picky towards him. I'm now blaming myself as I know this didn't help at all, and to be honest I don't blame him. But it's not me. He also within the last year got a new job which he loves and has given him some confidence, although it did have a huge impact on our free time together. This would at times lead to arguments although generally I have supportive and proud of his new job. We originally planned to stay where we were living for 2 years and then move to a different location, mainly as where we were living has left me socially isolated and unhappy. I think the pressure of buying a house together next year and my moods may have contributed to the fact that he doesn't want the relationship anymore. I do get that, but why not want to work at it? If you love someone and you know that they're not quite themself why not give them the benefit of the doubt.

Looking back I did notice very small differences in him, in that he wasn't as affectionate as before and a few other little things. Despite this there were still smiles, i love you's and intimacy between us - even on the day he told me that something had changed. I understand that over the last month or two his feelings had began to change and it makes sense now as I did notice some very small changes. But what I don't get is how you can love someone so deeply, be committed only a few months prior and then realise that you don't want it and them anymore?! I think he struggles to explain how he feels and he said he didn't want to hurt me so he didn't warn me that he was starting to feel different or that he was unhappy with things. I've explained that things can and should be different, I've already started to make some changes but it's like his mind has been made up and he doesn't want to work at it at all. He wants to be single. I think he's more sad about seeing me hurt. I couldn't stay in our home as it was like torture for me so I'm at a friends and next week we will be meeting to tie up loose ends etc. I'm terrified that it's over for good and that if he feels this way there is nothing that can be done but all I can hope is that he will change his mind and that we can start again, communicate and work on this because despite everything I would fight for this. This has definitely allowed me to get help for myself and make some big changes and I'm glad, but I don't think it'll make a difference in terms of our relationship. I just am finding it difficult to move past the shock and sadness that our relationship is over and that he doesn't really love me anymore He wants to be good friends, although I've said I may need a bit of time. He even text me thanking me for everything and for all the good times and says he hopes I meet someone that can give me all I hope and dream for. The sad thing I only hope and dream for these things with him. For him to say that to me shows me that he doesn't think/feel or want to be that person which is heartbreaking.

[atskitty2]

I'm very sorry you're experiencing this. I don't have a lot of time to comment right now, but I'd encourage you to get out & spend time with family & friends & not keep yourself isolated during the coming weeks & months. That'll only compound your difficulties & depression. Keep us posted.

[effy2014]

I am also sorry that you are experiencing this. The end of a long term relationship is heart breaking, especially if the break up is one sided, as this appears to be. Kitty has given you good advice. Don't be alone . . . Go out with friends and family, anyone who can help you get over this.

Three things that might help you in the long run. First, don't beat yourself up trying to find every action that could have made him leave. My guess is that it will be none of those things. The two of you were considering a forever partnership and he got cold feet. I am sure that it was equal parts him and you that led to his decision. Going back over and over this will worsen your depression.

Second, you need to find closure. His has said goodbye but you think the relationship is still salvageable. He seems like a good person and will give you the closure you need to have.

Third, make sure that you are getting help for your depression issues. Things will get a bit worse before they get better. And you will get better and you will get past this. We all do. But it would help you if there was someone you could talk to.

Come back to the forum and talk to us. We will be supportive and are very good "listeners".

[Motorguy]

I really do feel for you Ness, I would really take Kitty, advice to heart to be with family and good friends. To get you over this really hard break up in your life. This is something that will take you time to get over with. But keeping your mind clear and busy so you not thinking of your ex boy friend. So think of your self go out get your hair done and nails if you can do it go on a trip with a girl friend. This always a good way to start off a new day in your life from a break up.

[raindancer]

Oh, Ness, may I send you a big hug? That's so sad, that you're going through it.

It's hard, but he's told you he doesn't love you anymore. You have to accept that and move on.

It takes time and hurts so bad, but you will feel better with time, Ness. Really.

Try to keep busy, see people who make you feel better, have some fun, spend time with your hobbies...

It hurts, but this will pass.

[Claret]

You may want to look at this breakup as if he has done you a favour. He could have pretended and he could have denied that he felt anything different. He had the gumption to step up to the plate and let you know where he stood. He set you free. Yes, it may hurt for a while and pull you down, but I sense that you are a strong person, able to overcome this, remember the good times, and also remember that he set you free to continue on with your life and to find out who you are and what you want.

Don't hate him, he did the right and proper thing.