[caligirl71]

we have been married for over 18 years and it hasnt been easy, due to his drinking and selfish hurtful ways.
Recently he was laid off and had to take employment 12 hours away. We were already having relationship problems, trust issues etc..
He has been gone for a month. Im staying here where we are from for the kids sake right now, while he is still looking for something local.
I hate being apart, and starting thinking maybe this distance will bring us closer and realize how much we really mean to each other and how things need to change to have a healthy loving relationship.
He gets to come home for Easter weekend, which I have been very excited about. The night before he leaves I give him a call around 7:30pm and he cant talk because he is getting his stuff together to go drop off at this guys house (a guy he works with) he will call me back when he is done.
Well two hours go by no call back so I text him "whatcha doin" nothing, so then I call and he doesnt pick up. Oh does this bring back memories!!
I was really upset. Finially I get a hold of him at 11:30pm. He was just leaving this guys house drunk and driving back to his hotel.
I was like why didnt you have your phone on you etc.. he went off on me told me to "shut the up, he doesnt have to ask permission to do what he wants etc, why am I so jealous?" He was so hurtful with his words, saying why doesnt he just go see a lawyer when he comes home, he didnt need his phone for any reason. Hung up on me and that was that. Now I have family members who love him to death but hate how he is so harsh to me and the kids. I asked him if he knew he was going over there to have a few drinks and hang out why didnt he just tell me, so I wouldnt have been wondering and waiting anxiously for his call so soon. I feel like he was hiding it? why I dont know, and why would I be jealous, just tell me what your doing!!!!

Please I need some advice and give it to me straight.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It may be fair to say you've had a bum rap for a long time.

That, in addition you've been bringing the kids up pretty much on your own, and that's been and proven to be difficult, as they grow into young teenagers.

That, they would have seen your husband's drunken ways and the hurt that you have been through, but they will live their own life, right or wrong.

This man however, wasn't there for them, isn't there for them, isn't there for you.

He enjoys his freedom and hates jealousy, or what he percieves to be jealousy when really you are rational and simply don't want to wait, and wait, with no reply, or stir up things of the past? What has it stirred up? There is also a past there, where has he cheated? Is this also on your mind of now?

He doesn't sound like he's happy rather, going with the flow and treating you frankly like dirt.

He may do more so when he drinks, he has an anger problem with alcohol.

And, you may feel that 18 years is 18 years so you can't possibly start again, and that you have to simply stay, regardless and put up with the pain that you go through, do you?

There are a million quesitons going through your mind i believe and a lot of anguish, and un-happiness in whom you are and where you are at.

What is it you need?

This is a question I will put back to you, because doesn't matter what we think, it is what you want out of your life now that matters.

Can he give it to you?

CW

[WildChild]

Since alcohol has been a reoccuring theme why not get some help for spouses and families of alcohol abusors? They should be able to help with coping skills, learning not to enable, some comradeship, and a place to share your concerns with people who've been there. No one acts in a vacumm. You've had 18 years together there must be some positives?

When he does come home, tell him how you have looked forward to seeing him? How much you miss having him home? See if a welcoming atmosphere and a weekend of family will help him feel more strongly about finding work closer to home?

This will take time and even if it doesn't save this situation, you need to learn why have been willing to accept it for so long. If you don't you'll end up with more of it.

[kms]

the only thing I can add is that it takes two to have a relationship - both have to desire it to work and be actively working on making it happen. You can do the most helpful things in the world for your relationship and you'll never succeed in saving it if he's not invested in it. It sounds like he's more in it for himself from what you've written. He wants to go do his thing and doesn't want anyone else bothering him, no matter if that person is his wife who happens to be waiting on him.