[CHANDLERS WISH]

Take the children aside for a sec....

I mean I can not see what's wrong with a child asking someone what they are doing sleeping in a bed that they had previously thought belonged to someone else, I would have laughed.

But, how did she treat you from the beginning?

How does she treat your husband, her husband, other siblings?

CW

[kslp00]

Well, she never made feel particularly welcome. My husband said she, his sister-in-law, and sister had a "review committee," because he had been married twice previously. The 1st time I really spoke to her, she said something like, "Hope this works out, he always makes the best decistions." Or something like that.

I don't think she was ever particularly kind to his first two wives, even his daughter's mother. She uses his daughter, though, to make me feel bad, saying things like she never gets attention because of my daughters, etc., which is not true.

She is easily offended and still does not speak to a lifelong friend of her husband's because she called her daughter (to hear it told affectionately) a "love child" when she was a baby. (Daughter is now 22.) When they come to town, she leaves, and retaliates by going on shopping sprees.

I knew she would be difficult and when she first visited, I treated her with kid gloves. My husband was a nervous wreck most of the time, thinking we had offended her in some way. I just never expected it to turn on my daughter for any reason.

During her Christmas conversation, she stated, "You cannot FORCE me to be nice to YOUR children." I found this bizarre, just because I have always worked in pediatrics and have never (not once) had to force myself to be nice to a child. You just are. Well, a normal person is. Later when the smoking issue arose, it seemed like she was just searching for something new to criticize my child.

Everyone's advice has helped. I apologized to my husband for blaming him, and he agrees that her behavior is unacceptable. We have agreed to wait until her actions this upcoming Christmas, and if her pattern continues, present a united front, making it clear that she is not welcome if she cannot treat all of the children with equal kindness, even if she has to fake it. Any other thoughts are so very, very welcome. Thanks again.

[WildChild]

Sounds like a good start. What your hubby's dad like with all this?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Firstly she sounded like someone who perhaps was "worried" for her son, based on his marriages, geez, we all have failed relationships whether it's in marriage or not is irrelevant.

But, the more you tell the more it's evident that she doesn't accept mixed marriages, love childs, other people's kids, quite simply she's a bitter old lady, wonder what happened to her growing up. Or maybe she really married the wrong person herself and takes it out on everyone else.

I'm glad you spoke to your husband and frankly that's the best thing to do.. They are "your" children combined and anyone that can't accept that should not make you feel in a position to end a relationship, rather they end their own relationship with that part of the family.

This is your life, your husband's and your combined children.

CW

[Ahryin]

Yea...I get nasty when it comes to things like this so you might not want any other advice from me ...lol because what I will tell you to do won't be nice at all!!! I have a blunt mouth and slick tongue..lol ( but I can also back it up...i'm a fighter..lol and a lover)

[kslp00]

Thank you all again. Ahryin, I also get very defensive when I feel my child is insulted, to the point of irrationality, that's why you all have been so helpful. My tongue (and my inability to rein in what I feel "has to be said") has gotten me in trouble my whole life.

Wild Child, a bit about "Papoo" (the grandfather). You will find this amusing, but when my husband's sister was 19 she wanted breast implants. When my husband, his brother,and their father approached "evil stepmother" to help discourage this, she said she thought it was a good idea because she said her daughter's breasts looked "deformed." (YES! Right in front of her.) Instead of putting his foot down, daddy paid for the surgery. Now I have no beef with plastic surgery and/or augmentation, but I think saying your own child's breasts were deformed (in her presence or not) is a little wacko. Plus, it's surgery with anesthetic, which always has a risk for complications.

All in all, he is a big wuss with a capital W!

Chandler, evil stepmother was a bank teller who got pregnant out of wedlock to a prominent attorney who agreed to marry her (even after only a few months dating), elevating her social status. They have been married so many years, I know he feels that it is a financial risk to ask her to do anything because she will leave him and take half of everything. That's so sad, too. So, I think your speculation about being unhappy overall is right in the ballpark.

But all is well for now in my nuclear family. I would have loved to have had a good relationship with all of my in-laws, but I don't think it's possible. I adore my husband's biological mother (who also is a smoker, just hides it from the children) and his brother and family. The rest will take care of itself! :-)

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well, I would say that she's the pot calling the kettle black isn't she!!

And, I would say her life as she "thought" it would be in an "elevated status" didn't turn out the way she expected, as there was no love, probably "sex" position only, no intimacy and all she has / had was money....

Perhaps she wanted the boob job, the picket fence, children once married, etc but alas it was never to be, "choice" we choose our destiny....

It's good that you get on well with your husband's "real Mother", we can't have it all I guess.

CW