[Explorer44]

First of all, I'm very glad you found this forum. It will give you connections to a lot of women (and men) who are incredibly supportive and caring.

Second, I am glad you are exploring your options, and I agree with you. Getting that degree is probably your ticket to the future stability your desire.

I am one who left, and who lived with my children in a domestic violence shelter for six months. Now, a few years later we are much more emotionally happy, no more daily conflicts, and moving on with life.

Your instincts are correct. He needs help, but you can't get it for him. BUT, you can help yourself and your kids, and you are doing that.

Transitions are always full of questions, but answering those questions can take you to a much better place in life.

[kbug]

Your man is abusive. It may be a learned condition, but it is still abuse. I find it hard to fathom that he is a doctor and hasn't learned that physical violence to any person, relative or otherwise is still abuse and against the law. It makes me sick to my stomach that in the year 2010 we still have barbaric uncivilized males to contend with. My husband is abusive also and I put up with it. I am probably not one to give advice because I put up with it. But I would like to let you know you are not the only one. I can identify with what you are saying. You are not alone. I am still with my husband because I was raised as a 'good girl' who believed the man is the one with the power. I believe that I will overcome this conditioning at some point, but for now, I do feel like the weaker half of the marriage I am in. Before I met the man I am married to I enjoyed a life as a single mother of 5 children. I didn't have much financially, but I enjoyed my life, I believed in a higher power and I believed that I was worthy, valuable and whole. After four years of marriage to my husband, he has managaed to disintegrate my self-esteem, and damage my soul to the extent that I now believe I am nothing without him. What I know is that to save myself, I HAVE to leave him... but that is so hard to do! My fears of thinking I am worth nothing stop me from leaving. I only have memories of knowing I am a worthwhile person before I met him, but I can't remember how it FELT. Thats what stops me from going. My FEELINGS now are different from how they used to be. My feelings now have been bashed stupid and believe what he says. When he is not around I feel safe. When he is around, I am walking on egg shells to make sure he feels ok. This is part of my conditioning as a woman - to make sure he is looked after. I am like you... I am studying a degree at university too. That is probably part of the problem. Alot of weak men don't like educated women. We frighten them. We make them feel inadequate. (And they ARE!). Keep studying. Always keep that going. My degree is in psychology. It scares the heck out of my husband. But I refuse to give it up. I know I will leave him some day. And when you are ready, you will probably leave too. We do not NEED men to be whole and satisfied. All we need is to recognize that we already are whole. We put up with alot as women. I don't have much advice, but I would like you to know you are not alone. Many many women hear you. Keep us close to your heart and rely on us. We will not let you down.
Namaste.

[kbug]

I don't know why my post was put under this heading, but it was meant to address noni.

[LanaBear]

I don't know why my post was put under this heading, but it was meant to address noni.

It's on her thread. You did just fine. It's just on the second page.

[kira]

has anyone who has been in this situation ever truly escaped.

Yes. Plenty have gotten out. I was in a relationship that started out verbally abusive and escalated. I had nowhere to go except back to mom's house where my stepdad was the same way. At least with my boyfriend I could argue evenly with him and it was equally our living space even if he tried to take it all over as his. I put up with somethings and I drew the line at others. I refused to have sex with him and eventually slept on the couch refusing to even share a bed with him. I threatened to call the cops every time he threatened to hit me or seemed like he might hit me and would get out my phone, bring up the number, and be ready to hit send. Eventually my family fixed up one of the old farmhouses we still own and I moved in there. It involved a huge argument over me leaving and his attempt at physically stopping me which got him smashed face first in to a wall. Today he is nothing but a bunch of stories that are so extreme everyone finds them funny.

Just because you are stuck doesn't mean you have to put up with it. Someone who hits you does not love you. They may act like they need you or want you but love is when you care about someone more than you need them. If you care about someone that much you don't purposely harm them no matter how you were raised. He does not love you. You need to accept that. Then you need to realize you don't have to be a victim. You can stand up to him. You can call the police. You can find a counselor or therapist to talk to and give you advice. You do not have to sit there alone letting him do what he wants just because you don't have a place to move to. I'm sure if you start talking to counselors they could even help you find a place to live. There may be government programs or something like that which will help you until you finish your degree and can support yourself. Most colleges around here at least have dorms to live in for pretty cheap.

All you have to do is make the decision not to be the victim and realize you don't have to let him hurt you. I don't care what culture or country you come from in the US, UK, and many other countries you don't have to let your husband do anything to you. You are equal to him and can go find someone who really does love you. Maybe you can't leave yet but you can do things to make it known to him what he's doing is wrong and that there are people who will stop him or even put him in jail for it. You can also seek help from local professionals. Here in the US we even have special therapists to help women in these situations or who have just gotten out of these situations.