[jns]

It also sounds like a small town situation where he has more contacts and therefore can control the direction of the town gossip. I think on this forum you will have many supporters and he will have few or none. Stay strong.

[LanaBear]

Sourpuss brings up a good point, there are many many avenues where you can get some help, either for free or based off your income. And of course, there are many people here to lend an open ear and a shoulder to cry on. You are not alone.

[Hopeless Dork]

It sounds like he did what he did on the honeymoon intentionally. As if to subconciously send out the message, your mine now, you'll do what I want.

It set the pace for him to use you to fullfill whatever fantasy ran across his mind... which would be fine if you shared his fantasy, or did not feel uncomfortable with it ... and if he of course sought to fulfill your fantasies, wants and needs as well.

I can understand your regret for the way you left. But anyway you would have done it would have resulted in the same, your the bad guy mentality by the people closest to him... since your the one walking out -- never mind the fact that he had checked out on commitment on the very night he promised it to you.

His behavior is not normal, not typical, and you are not likely to run into another guy like him unless you seek one out. Which... you just might be in danger of doing, since being controlled can become an addiction of sorts as you may have come to feel loved by it, and therefore want to feel love through it again.

But what he did, wasn't love. He didn't respect you, he didn't communicate with you about how you felt about everything he just kind of decided for you what was going to happen throughout the marriage.

Your aversion to sexuality right now is not abnormal, but I hope for you, in order to enjoy that great part of life, find a way to get into some low cost counseling. Perhaps a rape crisis center or other support group.

You have to learn your worth so you are not in jeopardy of compromising it again in the future.

[am i the bad guy]

I can't tell you how grateful that I am to have found this site. Thank you! I had a bit of a mental breakdown today--but you all got me through it!!

[Ashlee T.]

I think if someone has intentions of having a "shared" marriage or participating in that type of behavior and expecting their SO to, it shoud be clearly communicated and understood/agreed upon BEFORE marriage. It sounds to me as if he got you into the marriage and then threw all this stuff on you, like "now she'll feel reaaaallly pressured to do what I want". Wanting his brother to have sex with you? No....that's not okay.

Getting out was the RIGHT thing to do for you. Of course you'll have some lonely moments of doubt, but you knew you made the right decision. And hopefully it will be a lesson learned, no matter WHAT, you do NOT do anything YOU don't want to do.

[heryseshta]

You definitely did the right thing! He could have even quit targeting you and started trying things on your kids. Even if he didn't touch your teenagers they still aren't blind...They saw what was happening and maybe even started thinking it is natural for the man to have complete control. You did the right thing, don't let anyone tell you differently.

[rcoreyus]

You were absolutely right to get out of this situation - it was not at all normal in most societies. One other thing though - you should avoid getting "trashed" - I'm not blaming you, but it makes you an easier victim for someone to take advantage of.

[Maximus]

I agree with what has been said above.
You were absolutely right to leave.
Nothing, no material things worth the loss of your self-respect.
And by staying or even returning how much of your self-respect will remain, how mentally strong will you be ? How will you be able to stand for your kids if they start making poor decisions, knowing that there was a time you took a turn in which you didn't believe in ?

All to say, it might be easier for us to tell you to leave because we are not in your shoes and not struggling with all the things, but in the end, our collective life experiences show that the love and respect of yourself are important things to stand by.

--- Thoughts have a tremendous power of creation and transformation ----

[WildChild]

Make your children a reason for changing things, rather than an excuse not to. They learn far more from your actions than your words (if they don't match your actions). Do you want your daughter to think that what you have been subjected to is acceptable? Do you want her to live like that? You set the standard for empowering yourself and your children.

[I understand]

What you went through was NOT acceptable. A man who loves their wife, treats her with love and respect! That is far from love and respect. No woman, including yourself deserves that. When I read your post, my heart broke, in fact I felt as if it had been ripped out. Some may not understand your reasons for "just leaving" but you know what you did was the right thing for yourself and your children and that's ALL that counts. Unfortunately, you will need some counseling cause while the hurt may have stopped the memories are there forever. I remember once telling my sister of a situation that I encountered as a child....wow was I ever embarrassed, and in fact scared. This was something that I didn't want anyone to ever know about because they would have thought differently of me......but I told my sister cause I felt she would understand - she may not remember after all these years but I'll never forget. Trust me when I say I will never think any less of my sister if she came to talk to me about something she's going through. If you can't afford counseling, you need to call a crisis center or some sort. Reach out to someone please. Today may be ok but tomorrow it may cause you to have a meltdown and its not fair for you to relive a constant nightmare. You deserve so much more!