[caffeine_rush]

That was pretty inconsiderate of him. But have no fear, you need to let him know how you feel about his decisions and how it affected you. One thing I have learnt,...quite the hard way actually...men don't read mind and they can be quite dumb at times! Insensitivity is one of their major faults. But like I said, talk to him, this is all new to both of you so treat it as a learning experience and Talk talk talk...do not ever bundle things up because it just escalates eventually. I am a newlywed also with lots of drama =) but things have a way of working out. keep an open mind.

God Bless!

[Allie602]

I don't think you are trying to control nor are you wrong for being unset. But try to reframe the way you are looking at this problem. He is trying to integrate all of the obligations he has to the people he feels responsible for, you included and he is having a hard time. Men in general compartmentalize things and they have a tendency to act and do one thing at a time. Your lives are complicated but I would say he is not purposefully being inconsiderate, but he is being inconsiderate to you and he may not realize it.

That's where you come in, you cant wait around watching things happen and reacting without being proactive. The anger and misunderstanding will be the undoing of a good relationship. If you get angry and resentful about this it will destroy what you have. You are not being unreasonable in being angry but I think you may be misinterrepting his motives. Think of it in terms of what I said above then it is easier to deal with without rancor.

Talk to him when the children leave, I know you said you did before but do it again and be specific about what you need him to do and let him know you expect him to keep his word. Think about what you need taking into account his responsibilities.

First and foremost you guys have not worked out your partnership because it is new. But he can't do it alone, you have to teach him how to multitask and treat you like a partner and not another responsibility. Your are both responsible to each other so don't act like another responsibility but like a partner. As a partners on the same team, all obligation go into one basket so to speak, family friends etc. Then you both work on how to do things together. A burden shared is a burden halved. You guys are squandering one of the biggest assets of being a couple, mutual support and love. Together you make your lives better.

Let him know that these issues are the major cause of problems for you and you must find a process of resolving them. It is going to be an ongoing process so be ready for that and try not to misinterpret his motives but understand his problems and he will understand yours. If you cannot understand where he is coming from he may not be able to understand what you want him to do. If what I said about the problem he is having sound right to you, then ask him if he is feeling overwhelmed and let him know that you are both in this together to support each other. So you have to state what you need and tell him you support and respect his love and attention to his family and kids and want to be part of that.

He sounds like a wonderful man so many men abandon relationships with their kids when they divorce he clearly has not. But, he needs to know the depth of your feelings and needs your help to integrate you into all aspects of his life.

Take the responsibility to work this out - I would think about and writ down what you want to say before talking and try not to make it sound like he is doing something wrong just that what he is doing is distressing to you and you need to go about it another way. . You are married and a team, you should both be able to meet your obligations and put each other first in all planning. That does not mean that you can interfere with what each needs to do (I don't think you are doing that) but you need explicit details of each others plans as he you make them.

He just is not sure how to do every thing and satisfy everyone. Since your relationship is new you both have to work out what will work so that he keeps up his obligations, you keep yours and you both keep the ones you have to each other. Good luck.

[Allie602]

BTW I don't think men are dumb nor are they inconsiderate on purpose. A good man just need you to state your needs clearly, he wants to make the woman he loves happy but we need to make it easy by understanding how seriously good men take their responsibilities when they marry and have children. It's a major shift in their thinking when they decide to commit. Sometimes, I am certain, that they don't understand why their partner gets angry. Just say whats going on with you, not in a way that blames him but assuming he does not see things the way you do. That's what that nebulous term "you have to communicate" not sure what it means exactly but I think thats it.

[sallyskellington]

wow that stinks I feel for you, I won't give my opinion on the matter b/c I know I am spiteful and vindictive and the way I go about fixing things isn't exactly nice..
All I can do is wish you luck, and really hope you guys can work it out.