[frances81]

My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years but we have been together for more than 11. He has always been mean and jealous. At the same time, we really connect. I can't take fighting with him anymore over the smallest things. I have refused to fight back for about 3 years now and he still says that I'm the argumentative one.

He has hit, pushed and pinched me a couple of times. He has also thrown our 65 pound dog into the wall for accidently nipping his neck.

If he calls me while I'm on the other line on my cell he can tell and ALWAYS asks who I'm talking to. I'm not allowed to go out with my best friend and he managed to break us up for 3 years by causing a fight over her job by going to her work (an doc office) and getting her in trouble. I, of course, supported my husband without disagreeing with her at the time. So it left our relationship kind of open I guess. I missed my friend dearly and we have managed to move on without looking back. However, my husband does not let me visit her and doesn't know when I talk to her.

He doesn't want to hear anything that I'm learning in school because he is jealous that I'm talking to other people. All I want to do is include him in what I'm doing without boring him to death. I don't overtalk, but he lets me know that he doesn't want to hear it by his rude comments about EVERYTHING that I say.

I can't be happy and I dread talking to him. I went to visit my parents and made an appointment with another friend of mine for a facial and I did not want to tell my husband because I knew he would be jealous. Sure enough, I didn't want to lie, and I told him, and he wouldn't talk to me and acted mad. I have tried different methods of "breaking" news to him about things I have planned and nothing works, unless it includes him.

We almost got a divorce last year and then he threatened to kill himself because he says I am the only thing he lives for. So I chickened out. I hate being in this abusive relationship and can't take being miserable anymore.

My friends say I need to get out of the relationship. My parents love him as their son but also support any decision I make. They try to stay out and not comment on anything I say. I have never told my parents what he has done to me, I only told them I'm really unhappy.

As mean as he is, I feel bad for leaving him because at one time, even though I've always been abused, I thought I couldn't live without him. Now, I just want to get away.

I don't know what I am looking for here, but maybe someone has had the same experience or an outsider's perspective.

[Mes T]

Ah jeez. I had something very similar, but with a boyfriend, we were not married, and for only three years.

Breaking up with him was like taking a deep breath of fresh air.

I don't know how to say this in a convincing manner... But get out... Seriously... This is abuse. Mental and physical. It's the worst it can get... before something happens to end it all in tragedy.

Get out.

Don't listen to him when he threatens suicide. He's bluffing. It's a way to control you.

This will NEVER get better.

[frances81]

Thanks for your reply. I guess the reason I stay is not only the threat the of suicide, but because I am convinced that I have done something to deserve this treatment of having things thrown at me or what not and EVERYONE who meets him LOVES him. That's the way I felt too. He is so incredibly nice and giving of himself, but he always gives so much that he stresses himself out and causes all situations including work and pleasure to be miserable for himself and me. I just really feel like there is something else I can do to make things better, but my heart says that it's not possible. I'm so unsure.

I am definitely not afraid of being alone. I have even told him before, several times, that there is somebody so nice and wonderful for me out there who will just love me and have fun being with me. There has to be someone out there that won't yell at me for crunching my cereal too loud (with my mouth closed) or my mom eating pecans or baby carrots too loudly and storming out of the room. He is so ridiculous. I feel like I have settled and there has to be something better.

[jns]

My younger sister married a loser who got into drugs shortly after the marriage. Then she divorced him. He threatened to kill himself but was a loser at that too, and left himself brain damaged and an invalid from shooting himself. I'm glad she was smart to get out before he turned the gun on her. Get rid of him now. His problems are not your fault. Look after yourself. If he wants to off himself it is not your fault. Tell your parents the rest of the story. Good luck.

[WildChild]

Tell your family what is going on. Document all that you can. Abusers often work to isolate you from friends and family. He is good at putting up a front which is why you need to document. Get copies of all financial and personal documents, time it so you get out and can keep away from him, If possible have a "safe house", someplace you can essentially disappear for a while.

My experience with men who threaten to kill themselves if you leave (I've dealt with this twice) is that if it doesn't get the desired results, the next step is to threaten to kill or harm YOU. Time when you leave and as he realizes that you mean it, is the most dangerous. Once you leave STAY AWAY FROM HIM. Communicate through an attorney only. DO NOT be lured into meeting with him. He is manipulative, abusive and abuses animals - these are big danger signs. Get out while he is not home, just take what is really important to you and leave the rest.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Any form of abuse is soul destroying.

The thing is, is the threats of suicide, the feeling that you deserve it, is all part of the abuse, it's control, to keep you and these people always, always, maintain an excellent front, in front of everyone else.

Fortunately mine was more verbal, emotional, not physical but when you get to the point that you realise you are missing out on life? Friends, you, who you are, walking on egg shells constantly, not being able to breathe, you start to want out ...You may be at the point where you are almost there, you will despise him and when that occurs, you are there.

Here is something to think about... He threw a dog against the wall...Imagine if you had a baby.

Get out now.

CW

[Guest]

It's time for you and your dog to go...

[spurzzz]

"He has always been mean and jealous"

"He has hit, pushed and pinched me a couple of times. He has also thrown our 65 pound dog into the wall for accidently nipping his neck"

"I'm not allowed to go out with my best friend" .......... "my husband does not let me visit her" ....

"He doesn't want to hear anything that I'm learning in school" ....... "by his rude comments about EVERYTHING that I say"

"I can't be happy and I dread talking to him"

"he threatened to kill himself because he says I am the only thing he lives "

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you know what the worst thing about all this is? these comments......

"At the same time, we really connect"

"As mean as he is, I feel bad for leaving him" .................. "even though I've always been abused"

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Read these comments Frances81 and read them again. Then read them some more and answer your own questions!

There is no one out there who is going to say this individual is good for you. 99% will tell you to leave - but you know this. You know what you need to do.

What you really need to be asking is for help and advice on how to get out of the relationship ----- because thats a whole new ballgame right there! After all the abuse you will be naturally scared with a low self esteem and confused mindset. Just how you have lasted 11 years with this man is a mystery? That in itself speaks volumes at how much work you will need to do on yourself to get better, find that strength and go!

I shall try and make this as simple as I can. This "husband" of yours is textbook material on control and abuse. Read some material on toxic relationships to get a better understanding at how cunning these types of individuals can be. He will manipulate your every move to control you/the situation.

You are not living your life and nor is he, it is like one big trap you are both in. GET OUT for both of your sakes. Make a decison, pack your bags, find the opportunity, go go go and dont look back. Tell your best friend and your parents as they may be able to help you and warn them as he definately will be coming to inquire about you. If you don't have the finances or help their is support and helplines you can call for assistance. I wouldn't even tell him your going if your that scared but if your not then why not.

The more you stay, the more you are hitting yourself with your own hands.......

Best of luck.

Oh, you can be assured that my advice is given from experience.

[rcoreyus]

It sounds like a classic abuser. Unlikely things will get better, they will probably get worse. Read your own post and pretend it was from your best friend, what would you tell them to do?Get out now.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

There is an up-date on my VM....

I'm very proud of her and I have asked that she up-dates here as well but maybe she doesn't want the thread to be seen, anymore in which case Francis just let me know.

CW