[lifeadventure]

Hello all.

I'm having major self esteem issues, and I'd like some advice to how to change. My husband and I have only been married a year and things are great, except for my own problems. For instance, sometimes my husband makes mindless remarks about other women. Some examples...when talking about his ex-fiance naked, he said that her new husband was lucky. And he told me that I was tied with another girl for being the best sex he's ever had. And he told me about how he had this list of women he thought were the most beautiful women he's ever seen (I'm not on the list). And how when he hugged his ex-wife he felt she was too skinny and he thought redheads were hot and women that were slightly chubby were hot (I'm brunette, 5'2 and 110 lbs, and though I'm not gorgeous, I'm average and okay with it). And the most recent...that he has such a perfect daughter with his ex-wife because she has a fantastic mom. This is after discussing my faults as a parent and how my daughter's preteen anger needed to be addressed.

The thing is, I don't think my husband is insensitive. I don't think he's a bad person at all and he loves me dearly. But his remarks hurt me because a woman likes to think she is the best sex, the best wife, the best mother, and the best woman to her man. I know for a fact I'm not any of these for him, but I don't want to hear the opposite. I've always been told by my father that there will always be other people better than me at something...there will always be better singers, or poets, or whatever. Though I like to believe I am the best, let's face it-I can't live in a fantasy world and pretend I am.

What I'm after is to gain more confidence and self-esteem so these comments won't hurt. I want to be able to say that's his opinion, and it's okay. Any ideas on what I can do to get to this point?

Thank you.

[spsmith]

As a guy, I do not even know where to start with all the things that your husband has said to you. I am honestly shocked by the things he has said to you, and by his lack of respect and sensitivity. Honestly, I am not a saint or a sweater-wearing, poetry-reading "sensitive" guy...in fact, my wife jokes that I am pretty cold when it comes to reading emotions, but, based on what I read, I would say your husband is tactless at best...or insensitive bordering on emotionally abusive at worst.

It is no wonder that you are having confidence and image issues considering how much he measures you up to other women and consistently implies that you are somehow falling short. I do not think that you need to worry about him being insulted by your sensitivity...you really need to send him a message that you are a beautiful, worthy woman and that he should be your biggest supporter.

I could go on and on...

[Ashlee T.]

This makes me feel sad for you. Firstly that you're defending your husbands sensitivity when he's so clearly being insensitive. It's bothersome that you don't realize that, or refuse to realize it. So in case you're having any doubts, your husbands comments ARE insensitive. You must ask yourself, what purpose does he have in saying these things to you IF NOT to drag you down? You're not on his most beautiful list, and he TELLS you that? Call it whatever you want, but ANY woman would have low self esteem if they had to listen to their spouse making comments like that all the time. Why do you think he says those things to you?

[FortunsFoole]

I wanted to reply to this.. but BD said everything that I was thinking. I do think your husband is being very insensitive. It's one thing to have an opinion, it's another to share those opinions with someone else that can will hurt them. Especially someone you should be loving and supporting unconditionally. It sounds like you already have a decent view of yourself, it's your husbands view that is dragging you down. I don't think it's so much learning to not be hurt by his words, but to be able to get him to understand how hurtful it is for him to say those things. There's such a think as being TOO honest. He needs to know where the boundaries lie if he's not already aware of them.

[Crystalblue]

I agree with BD on this one, too. That sounds completely insensitive to me also. You shouldn't be made to feel like you're competing against anyone for his approval, admiration, love, and respect.

I'm sure he may have good qualities for you to be defending him, but it's not right for him to make you feel 2nd best. That would hurt anyone, no matter how good their self esteem was. You need to point out what he's doing when he says stuff like that. Let him know he's lucky to have such a patient and understanding wife and that you can't spend your marriage wandering if he's just settling for the runner up.

It's important to feel good about yourself, but it sounds like you already do. Yes, there are people that will be better at their talents, but marriage isn't a competition. It's not fair to you to constantly compare you to others. There shouldn't be a list or 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place. It should be only you and no one else can ever take your place.

[Texinator]

The thing is, I don't think my husband is insensitive.

...but he IS insensitive. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but he needs to be more careful with what he says and how he says it. No girlfriend or wife wants to hear that another woman is better at anything. Even if he thinks it, he doesn't need to say it.

What's the point of noting the new husband of the ex fiance is lucky? Because he's seen her naked? He doesn't need to say that in front of you. What's the point of saying you're tied with another woman for the best sex? He can either say that you're the best sex he's ever had (even if he truly thinks you're tied, he should think of the fact that he's with you and not with her as the tie breaker in favor of you) or not say anything at all. What's the point of making a list of the most beautiful women he's ever seen? He could either say "not including you, of course" if he doesn't mention you on the list, or he should just keep the list to himself.

[lifeadventure]

Thank you for all of your responses. I agree that yes, his comments were insensitive, but I believe he feels comfortable enough with me to tell me the truth, even if it hurts. It seems I'm the one who has not been honest with telling him the truth on how I feel about his "truths". I know this may seem like a silly reason for not being honest with him, but he always tells me he respects and values confidence. In my head, me telling him I am feeling insecure because of his comments would be the opposite of what he wants, so I go on biting my lip when he says something hurtful.

Also, I asked him once if he'd always love me and always find me attractive. Ha! I shouldn't have asked this, because I got the truth. He said, "I love you now, and I may or may not always find you attractive." So, I believe that added to me feeling insecure about our relationship, and even though I'm only 30, makes me worry more about aging.

For now, I think I'll do what you guys suggested. I'll start immediately telling him when he says something insensitive and point out it hurts me. I just hope he doesn't think he has to always walk on eggshells around me.

[Texinator]

Yes, a confident woman is extremely sexy. However, even the most confident people tend to have moments of vulnerability and certain subjects that are able to make them insecure, and it's not realistic for him to expect you to put on a brave face all the time. Inside every woman is a little girl that wants a hug and an encouraging word from time to time.

He doesn't have to walk on eggshells around you. It's not rocket science to figure out what he should and shouldn't say.

[Ashlee T.]

I just hope he doesn't think he has to always walk on eggshells around me.

Is that better than watching your self esteem and confidence diminish right before your eyes?

Think about this logically...as if this was coming from someone else and you were reading the same situation. He is saying these things to you for a reason, and he's succeeding by making you feel bad about yourself.

I've been in your shoes, or at least shoes similar. At first, he acted like I was the most gorgeous thing on the planet. But then he started making comments about me being too skinny, not curvy enough. He made comments about the way I dressed. He found underhanded ways commenting on his ex or his "preference" in women, while making sure to point out that I did not fit into that category. I remember thinking "Gosh...I'm not at all what he wants physically, he must really love me to be with me..." YEAH RIGHT!!!!! He enjoyed deflating me. And based on the fact that your husband seems to do this over and over.......I believe he's enjoying the same.

Do you talk about your exes? Do you compare his penis to theirs? Do you mention how well built they were? Do you routinely talk about what great people they were and how sexy they were? Do you talk about your list of hottest men and be sure to tell him he's not on it?

[oxy-moron]

Remember that everybody is multi faceted like a diamond. He is picking one aspect of someone and making a superficial observation about that part of them. Learn to counter his comment with a comeback .
If he says his ex was a good mother then remind him how she has gone to seed now or how she can afford to be good based on the alimony he is paying her . If he notes that an actress has a great body remind him that she had a breast enhancement but that Brad Pitt( or your favorite) is the real deal.
Don't be malicious but start returning his off the cuff comments. You know the kind of things he will say to you so you can pre-prepare some comebacks.