[chaya]

I was discussing my school schedule with my concealer yesterday. She asked me if I would be interested in part time work. I told her I might so she gave me a list of options. When I got home I talked it over with my husband. He don't me to work, his reason is that weekends are all we have together and if I worked weekends we would never be able to do things together. I pointed out to him that we were barely keeping up with the bills and some months I have to pay some of then out of my savings.

Our trip this past weekend will break the bank this month and I'll have to use my savings to pay for it. That's ok because we both needed it so it's worth it. It is not worth it when I have to pay the electric bill from my savings because he spends so much on his lunches and other things. I have always been stingy with my money so I either take my lunch or get a cheap sandwich from the lunch wagon. I still wear clothes that I brought with me from Hawaii 3 years ago. When I make him a lunch I know that most of the time he don't eat it. Sometimes he says he gives it to a homeless guy so he has to buy lunch. He knows I would agree with that excuse.

Anyway, the conversation continued in a friendly way until I asked him if he wanted me to work after I graduated and was a real nurse. He said he would rather I didn't work, he was up for promotion and a pay raise so I wouldn't need to work. I was quite shocked to hear this, just why does he think I am busting my (edit) to get good grades in school so I could become a nurse. Was I supposed to just get my diploma and hang in on the wall then go on to being a stay at home housewife. He really don't want me to work and I don't know how to deal with that attitude. I was afraid of loosing it so I changed the subject to avoid a confrontation with him. Maybe I'll be able to talk about this with him again after I organize my thoughts and get over last night. I am reminded of the reason I switched to nursing in the first place. It was because I hated my life and living with my aunt so I wanted to be to support myself and be independent and not have to rely on anyone for my living necessities. Nursing was the fastest and surest way to achieve this. If it weren't for my husband and my father I would be homeless living on the street.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Mmmm..

If it wasn't for your husband you would be living homeless on the streets...You have a passion for helping the homeless...

You keep making me question whether you really do love this guy hon, and if he is good for you or whether you just married a guy that was "good to you" at that time, still is, but has alot of things that do not equate to an equal marriage, things you believe in, and things you want to do, your journey, it seems it's his with you in it.

Chaya...Do you want a part time job? What was on offer that you liked? What is the money like? How will it support you, will it not mean that you don't have to dip into your savings so much? Which if you have savings, how would you have been homeless? I assume your Father has supported you, in the past.

Do you want to be a Nurse? Do you want that Diploma?

Is a marriage about equality? Or is it about domineerance? Ownership?

If you do not do these things, will you ever be able to support yourself, should the marriage fail?

I think you have your answers.

[CaliforniaRed]

Sounds like there are some definite dominance issues in your marriage. I empathize with your feelings about wanting to be able to support yourself. The nice thing about nursing is that you can do it part-time. By all means, complete your education and continue to get good grades. You need to discuss the recurrent raiding of your savings, however. Let your husband know that you aren't saving so that he can have a put-n-take account to fund his preference for eating out. If he wants you to reject a part time job that would enable you to put the money back in your savings, then he's going to have to quit eating out and live more frugally like you do. You should sit down together and come to some agreements on what that savings is actually for. He may have a little more self-discipline if he sees that you're saving for a house of your own, or some other thing that you both agree on. Let him know paying the electric bill isn't one of the things you want to save for. He needs to be frugal enough to permit paying the electric bill and continuing to save.

[chaya]

The dominance in my marriage is all my fault and not his. I started out with some outdated ideas about the duties of a good wife. He got accustomed to me behaving that way and when I started to change it confused him. He doesn't know what to think when I insist on getting my way. It takes him a day or so to think it over and then we compromise. I think I was happier when I was the dedicated, subservient wife because it made me happy to make him happy. Now that we are becoming equal partners, it's just not the same. What was before a happy marriage is now a competitive partnership.

He now says it is ok if I get a part time job but he will miss me on his days off. He didn't want me to take the job at a nursing home where I would have to help them clean up messes. I think it will be good experience because I will be doing the same thing when I become a nurse. The job is mostly being a receptionist for the patients weekend visitors. If I get the job I'll be working 10 hour shifts on Saturday and Sunday.

My savings is money I had before we got married. I had saved most of my allowance and cash gifts for years. I was always very stingy and always had money. I used to lend money to my sister when she squandered hers. Sometimes I even charged her interest. My father always supported me, he paid for my health care (I'm a type 1 diabetic) school tuition and expenses. He still pays my school tuition and expenses and sends me money every month. I apply this money to our living expenses.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Chaya, you make it sound like "us" suggesting to you to live for you, is backfiring and you wish you were this "slave" instead because you were happy, now not. But, if that was true, you wouldn't want the part time job, and as you can note, alot of men are the same, they need a day to think about it, think about your feelings, thoughts, it's not confusion it is that they speak first of what they want, then view your thoughts after they have made their statement, that is normal.

If your Father supports you that's great, I can't believe you charged your sister interest? lols' sorry... But obviously you know how to save in addition and therefore, will never be homeless yourself.

[Crystalblue]

Being submissive and being a housewife aren't one and the same. If you have no problem letting him call all the shots, right or wrong, that's one thing, but I don't think that's the case or you wouldn't have an issue with anything he was doing. Not many conscious people could have that mentality. If you want to stay at home and take care of the house, there's nothing wrong with that either. Some women are happy to do it, but not all women want to or can. I've been a stay at home mom most of this year, and it's driving me crazy. I was the main source of income for the past...a long time, 5 years or so, and I thought I'd be relieved for the break. My husband finished school and makes enough, but I just don't think I was meant to play the housewife role.

The point is, do what you think would make you happy. If being at home worrying about money isn't working, staying at home and trying to hide your feelings isn't going to work better.

[jns]

chaya, have you got a job?

[chaya]

i applied for a job at a nursing home but haven't heard anything back. I'm not sure I would take it anyway, just keeping up with my homework and housework takes most of my free time.