[Candy Apple]

My husband and I will have been married this August for 9 years. We have a 2 year old son together and I am due with a baby girl any day now. I found out a month ago that my husband was cheating on me and I am having a hard time dealing with this. I had suspected something was going on starting in March 2012. He was just not around much, addicted to his blackberry, was spending nights away, had many late nights at the office, didn't really seem interested in the family life, times when I could try to text and call him and get no response until hours later, etc. I really wasn't sure what to think as he has a very busy stressful job as well as he has recently started doing his MBA so I was trying to be understanding and thinking that this was just going to be normal until his MBA finished but my gut told me something else. He didn't know that I knew his e mail password so I went in there to see if there was anything. There is a woman that he both works with and that is also doing his MBA program with that there were some e mails to and from. She is also married and has a young son. Some of them were innocent like him sending her cute pictures of our son, of you tube videos of bands and songs he liked but one in particular was very upsetting. It was from her and it basically said that she had had a pregnancy scare where she thought she was pregnant (didn't say by who). And that in a way due to her busy life and poor timing she was happy that she wasn't pregnant and that it was just a scare and that she was also a bit upset as she did really want another baby. Then it went on to say that she was jealous that I was pregnant with with his baby and that it wasn't her and and that although she loved her family she wished she was in a family with my husband. She went on to say she wasn't sure how she was going to feel in July when my baby is due because she knew he would be busy and she wouldn't see him as much.
After reading this e mail I confronted him that night. He admitted to an emotional connection with her but insisted that nothing physical happened not even a kiss between them. Which I am not sure I believe based on the e mail and some nights away in hotels. Every time we talk about this he sticks to his story that nothing physical happened. He loves and and is committed to me and our family and that the two of them just got too close as friends. They work in the same company they are going to school together. They have a lot in common, she is fun, they can talk to each other about work and school, etc. He said that they both realized that they got too close and that they had already decided to cut things back before anything further could happen.
I have met this woman. We went to dinner at their house once and I had a play date with both of our sons once. So I sent her an e mail confrontation. She responded saying that she was sorry and nothing physical had happened and that the e mail had been sent when she was drunk (which I don't know I believe as it was pretty conherent and it was sent on a Monday night). She said that the MBA program had turned her world upside down and my husband was someone she could talk to. She said she had been pregnant by her husband and had had a miscarriage (after several other miscarriages) and hadn't told her husband about it but told my husband about it about (why wouldn't you tell your husband??)
So.....their stories kind of match but they also could have spoken to each other make it so. My husband and I have spoken about this SO much. I have cried SO much. He is actually tired of me bringing it up. How can I be sure things are done when they work and go to school together? I told him they can't be friends. They can't keep in touch - only in a professional work and school manner that is required of them. His school is not done for another year and well they work together so she is constantly there. Can I trust him? Every evening when he comes home late I worry - every Saturday or Sunday he has to go and meet with a school group I worry - I know I can't be a constant accuser as it will drive him crazy and maybe away. I do still have some access to his e mail and I haven't seen anything in there apart from some innocent school related e mails to a group of people and there was 1 you tube video of a band he sent to her. BUt I have no access to his work phone so I have no idea what could be going on in there. I guess only time will tell. The way I see it is I have no concrete proof something physical happened. We have talked a lot about this and some of the things we both need to fix in our marriage to make the other one happy and he has been around more. I will just have to wait and see. I pray that whatever was going on is done though as I do love him to bits.

[Hugo-B]

I'm sorry to hear this.

Well done for confronting her. You should have threatened to forward the email over to her partner to, just to give her something to think about.

I don't have children or a wife, so I can only imagine the stress your husband is under, but that's no excuse for this behavior, especially whilst you're at home with his child and carrying his second around, you must feel very vulnerable and keen to clear all this up once and for all.

He's not going to communicate with her via email any more now he knows you have access to his email, and he can't change the password because it will look suspicious. He must have had at least a strong emotional connection with this woman for her to feel confident enough to say she wished she was carrying his child without freaking him out, though that doesn't necessarily mean they were sleeping together, I don't think you're unreasonable for suspecting that. I agree the stories have probably been synchronized and don't quite make sense.

Your best chance is to do some straight talking with him and work on fixing the marriage as you said. Good luck x

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hun, it is so difficult to be that perfect partner for each other, you know where you are best friends, best lovers and best partners in every way.

We miss things along the way. Allow them to fall away.

I am going to say this. An emotional affair is one whereby a life partner is not there for the other. They may think that they are but they aren't "close friends" where they can share all their pain, laughter, thoughts, fears none of this comes into conversations.

If he was/is having an emotional affair, stop questioning it, own it. Face up to it and sit back and think. What is he missing from you? What are you missing from him?

You are fortunate, because you have a "choice" now to fix it and get it back on track. You may say, "but I am there for him".. But, I am saying best friends, talk about anything, everything, fears, sharing, laughing, intimacy.. Like a job, it's alot of work but once it's almost perfect no person would ever want from anyone else.

It's easy to get into a rut.

This is a two way street as well, as obviously he's communicating with someone else when he should have sought solice in you.. Too much work more than likely and therefore you alone too much, we get caught up in being able to be self efficent.

[ronnytote]

Just join this forum .All I can say that you must believe your self. Don't panic ,Don't take any wrong decision .Just hope for the best .

[jamesmarshalls]

I agree, everything's going to be okay.

[brightceci]

What i can say is forget about the past and move forward with your marriage and family. Why i say that... I have been in the other position, the other woman. And this is also a reason why I hold off to have children myself. I can tell you, you need to be scared if it is 'emotional' but not 'physical', and when confronted, instead of him pull away from the affair he is considering leaving you then you need to be scared. This is my observation so far, men who have a pregnant wife often show interests more than men who have children or no children and pursue other women like me. They have no intention to break up with their wife or damage the marriage. They really just needed sex, or needed the attention or the 'lovey dovey' when I supposed a pregnant woman with their situation and their hormone cannot provide during the 10 months... or 13 months. All I am saying is that he doesn't mean to hurt you or not love you, it is just that maybe he wanted the pleasure and sex at that moment and that's all there is to it. By you confronting them and he stopped his relationship with her, that means he cares about you and serious in building a family with you but not just any other woman.

I love my husband, because of my high sex drive I just fall for marriage men who show interests some times because I know we both can satisfy our needs physically but we understand that we are not breaking with our family. However, there are men who get too 'emotional' and that's where the dangers lie because there is a chance he is going to leave the marriage and he wants to be with me and wants me to do the same... which happens sometimes. I care about my husband enough that I don't want to hurt him in anyway and I would pull myself out and 'ditch' the dude for my husband without a second thought. Sounded very evil and selfish I know, but then we are both married and we should know better after all. Once i sense it is the case I told them my feelings and priorities right away. My cheating and lack of self control issue is mine to deal with and if anything happen and my husband leave me I can totally understand and bare the painful consequences.

If your husband cares about you enough which according to what you say, he does care and love you, then forget about the past and move on with him to raise a happy family. Don't drill on him about the other woman anymore, that relationship really means nothing. Even if the woman has feelings for your husband, she means nothing to your husband.

[jns]

Candy, I can understand your concerns. Showing vulnerability is maybe the strongest tool a woman has in her toolbox to get a man to like her and fall in love with her. Men are drawn to a vulnerable woman, whether it is because of socialization or genetics. What have you done to counter her advances as far as keeping your husband interested in you? Have you two had a sex life up until just lately? Do you both still talk and joke? How about having fun meals together? I am not saying he is blameless, but with enough reasons to doubt the relationship you two have, he may end up making the wrong decision.

[Amandolyn]

Why do people seem to think that "emotional" affairs are somehow less detrimental than physical ones?? I'm sorry but I have zero tolerance for cheating of any kind. I know that marriage can be difficult and sometimes things aren't always just right but that gives no reason for cheating. If someone really loves you and is committed to you they should never even allow themselves to get into situations that could potentially lead to cheating (especially when they're feeling vulnerable to such desires). This is just out of respect and common courtesy if you ask me but you would think love, true love anyway, would undoubtedly prevent such circumstances from materializing. He should have came to you as soon as he realized that he was getting a little too close to this woman... he should have then explained how he was feeling and what drove him to these early stages of infidelity. Easier said than done, I know. But the fact that he waited for you to confront him, to me, seems like he had no plans of ending it before any physical incidences occurred (assuming that no physical contact already occurred). It seems like he may have only stopped when he did because you were onto him and he either wanted to quit while he was ahead or he started feeling the guilt of being busted. But his claim that it wasn't physical sounds a little fishy to me (based on your mentioning of late nights or nights spent away)- why would he admit it if you have no real proof?... he obviously never stopped to think about admitting to the "emotional" relationship before you found proof of it. Anyway, I don't know you or your husband or the dynamics of your marriage I'm just stating my opinion (like I said I have zero tolerance for cheating). I assume you're trying to work through this, if so I would not worry about bringing it up too just because it makes HIM feel uncomfortable (he damaged your trust and he has no right to complain about your reaction to it) however, there does come a point where bringing it up anymore will make YOU feel uncomfortable or cause you to dwell over it which may hinder the whole healing process. It's good that you communicate often and talk about it but I know that doesn't make it all better immediately. I'd try counseling if possible; never hurts to have a mediator. Good luck!