[Brokenhearted13]

I'm writing on here in hopes that expressing my anguish and sharing my story will help MYSELF in this healing process. I met my husband just over two years ago and by every means he was mr.right. He is an amazing stepfather and the best father I can ask for. But as a husband he has severely let me down. When we were first living together I caught him once watching porn. His reaction was something to the effect of " we'll are u going to let me **** you or do i have to take care of myself?". I explained to him in a very emotional argue ebt that I had dealt with porn an cheating in my last relationship with the father of my oldest and that I couldn't allow myself to be put in the same situation again. He cried and told me he understood. He also shared w me that he had been molested and forced to watch porn and perform sex acts at a very young age. It was a sickness e said and he was glad I had caught him. He said he would never do it again. Fast forward two years. In my gut I knew something was wrong. All of a sudden I became very paranoid of porn again, even though I seemingly had no reason to mistrust him. After the one incident there had been no more. We've had an amazing sex life; I'm not a prude in any sense of the word. We've visited sex shops, bought toys, experiment w anal, I please him orally almost daily! Im young and attractive and not overweigjt or ugly. Yet still, I felt something was wrong. When I would ask him he would look me in the eyes and swear to me that he was "past that". I've always been very intuitive and so I decided to search all our computers. They came up empty. Almost, at least. While looking at his Facebook activity log I noticed he had searched things like "sexiest natives" and "curvy sexy natives" as well as old flings. When I confronted him (nicely, mind you) he at first denied it, then fessed up. He said he felt terrible about himself but I needed to stop acting like he had been watching porn. He said he knew that If he looked at porn he'd feel even worse so he tried just looking at pics of beautiful non naked women ( still horrible). I believed him but my gut still wouldn't rest. So I searched the cookies on his iPhone and found the mother load of porn sites. He had lied to me to my face looking into my eyes and swearing for over TWO YEARS!!!! I am so hurt. It's been almost a week and i still feel like I will never get over this. He was my best friend, my true love, and I know in my heart that things will never be the same. I want to help him heal from his sexual abuse but I cannot do it when I feel like I no longer love him the same. I have absolutely zero trust in him and can anyone blame me? I sit here night after night crying and reading self help articles, both for his healing and mine. I feel horrible that he is capable of such lies for so long and fear what it could lead to. This is a realistic fear. I feel like although I'm beautiful I will never be good enough to fill the void he has that porn was fulfilling for him. I've reacted in an odd way, demanding more sex than usual in an attempt to make me feel sexy, to make me feel validated. I know how unhealthy this is. I no longer feel capable of making love to him; only capable of "****ing" him. I imagine myself bein those other women, being wanted and lusted after. I'm currently 4 almost 5 months pregnant. I almost attempted to commit suicide last weekend by driving onto the wrong side of the freeway. Every time I see a billboard for a strip club I break down in tears. Every time I see a beautiful woman I die a little inside, wondering how my husband that I've loved so fully would think about her. The jealousy and insecurity and mistrust is killing me inside. I don't know how to leave him. I'm afraid to be alone again, this time w 3 children and only 23 years old. But I know how sick this is making me. I'm no longer the woman he fell in love with. I'm jealous, angry, bitter and naggy. I need help.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi Broken hearted, we've moved your post to a new thread.

we'll are u going to let me **************** you or do i have to take care of myself?". I explained to him in a very emotional argue ebt that I had dealt with porn an cheating in my last relationship with the father of my oldest and that I couldn't allow myself to be put in the same situation again. He cried and told me he understood. He also shared w me that he had been molested and forced to watch porn and perform sex acts at a very young age.

JNS said, on the thread you posted on, Counselling.

This person bless has been through a lot in his life and he's accustomed to what he is doing yet if he cried, he wants love.

Don't take this personally off course you are attractive this is not about you, this is about him.

Who molested him? Who made him watch porn? Who made him feel that he doesn't deserve love?

I'll wait for that reply if you don't mind before I answer further.

CW

[jns]

I suggested counseling for you, because you need to understand that you are strong, capable and beautiful no matter what your husband does. You and your children deserve nothing less. And if you could get him to go to counseling, maybe he could start working on his own demons.

[rcoreyus]

Porn seems to become a huge issue for couples. In some cases I completely understand and agree - when a man is turning his wife down for sex and masturbating to porn it is a huge problem. I others though I think the problem gets amplified beyond what is really necessary. For many men porn is simply a masturbation aid - they are no more comparing the actresses in porn to their partners than women are comparing their vibrators to their partners. Men told to give up porn may fill rather like a woman told she isn't allowed to use a vibrator anymore - it seems like an unreasonable request about something private. When men discover that their partners object to porn so much, they start hiding it, and soon find themselves in a pattern of lying. Eventually the lie seems worse that the porn was originally and the whole situation spirals out of control.

Has your husband acted in way (other than porn) to suggest that he doesn't find you attractive. Does he turn you down for sex all the time, look away when you wear loungerie, never compliment you?

Like all straight men he will look at other women. Women are beautiful. This doesn't mean that he is planning to have sex with them, just that they are attractive. Surely many women will look at attractive men, I know my wife does (and I find it amusing when I notice her doing so).

My wife spent many years thinking that she was unattractive, despite my every effort to convince her otherwise. Finally (after 25 years of marriage) she finally realized that I really did love her, and really was attracted to her. Life is very much better for both of us now.

[madrina]

i can relate.

hi,

i was going to post a new thread but when i saw this topic on the first page when i registered, i knew there was a reason i saw it. i have been with my husband for 8 years, married for 3 (anniversary a month ago). we have a beautiful 3-year-old son. but our relationship has been fraught with trouble, that began with my drug addiction which i received treatment for, to my husband's and my arguments, and then i found out when our son was a few months old and he was watching porn A LOT. like, as in, when i was on bed rest 7mos pregnant, he would spend the night on the couch watching porn instead of asking me if i needed anything; we would have sex, and he would go to the living room afterward to watch porn; the list goes on.. i was always a "live and let live" kind of person when it came to porn until i realized my husband was not just watching occasionally, my computer was eaten up with caches and cookies, it was every day. and then we had some talks/arguments/whatever about it, and at one point, he finally agreed to stop watching it. at one point last year, he said he tried to watch it, and couldn't, because he thought about how hurt i was when i found out he just straight up was addicted to it. he even admitted his addiction.

when i checked myself into a local psychiatric hospital for 9 days for severe depression with suicidal ideations (meaning, i had a plan as to how i would end my life), he watched porn while i was gone. when i got out, July 12, he has been so angry with me ever since. i found he was watching porn again and he told me, "i watch it because i like it." this is a 180 from what i believed before i found this out a couple of weeks ago. he also said something to the effect of, "i watch porn because i'm not getting laid," and it was the "getting laid" part that got to me. HE is the one who chooses to sleep on the couch and watch porn; i'm right there, and i'm not denying him anything.

i know counseling is important, necessary, blahblahblah, but i want some kind of input from some women who have ALREADY resolved or are resolving issues with their SOs about porn.... i have always had issues with self-esteem, like many women, but this is tearing me up.. and i feel like i can't bring it up or talk to him about it, because i'm the one who's a recovering drug addict, and i have the depression problems that have caused issues between us. i blame myself!! isn't that just so stupid, and wouldn't someone as smart as i am KNOW that is stupid?? we have always been intimate with each other, up until 2 days before i delivered my son when i was pregnant, etc. i have a good sex drive, even with the antidepressants, but i'm not 23 anymore and maybe he wishes i was or something... please advise.... private messages welcome... i have a long and complicated story, just like everyone, but what it comes down to is, I FEEL MORE DEPRESSED KNOWING MY HUSBAND HAS VIOLATED HIS PROMISE TO ME AND HAS GONE BACK TO WATCHING PORN AND NOT EVEN TRYING TO DENY IT. arg.

[jns]

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I am not one of those who can give you the input you want on resolving your situation. My only suggestion would be counseling. If he will not go with you, go by yourself.

[jslater]

I have to agree with rcoreyus... His explanation is dead on. Other than the porn... how does he treat you? Has he cheated... Is he abusive... Does he lie about other things? How else is he a bad husband? Have you tried to come on to him and he basically shuts down and prefers porn instead? If he does that... the problem isn't the porn... it's something bigger. Like rcoreyus said, when men find out their partners object, they start hiding it and the lie quickly grows larger than the act itself spiraling out of control. This may not apply to your men... But most men who watch porn... it really isn't personal. It's their alone time to get off...release themselves with no rules or expectations from their stresses. To draw a comparison, men who watch porn is very similar to some women who read books like fifty shades or other romance novels to escape for a while. Men are mostly visually stimulated as women tend to need more intellectual and emotional stimulaIation but the need to fantasize is the same. My wife may masturbate thinking about the scenes in those books...and I know I'll never be christian gray but its fine with me. I know I'm a good husband and she is a wonderful wife. It's her private alone time and who am I to take that from her as long as she is not neglecting me, our children or her responsibilities. Porn is a fantasy world like any other fantasy. It is important to indulge in that world as long as we don't neglect our lives or partners. If your men are neglecting you than that is a problem and i would confront him, starting with those issues. But if the problem is just the porn and you have a problem with him watching any. I hate to tell you this but he will never stop lying to you and you will never stop him. Because from his perspective your trying to take away something inside his head that belongs to him and I promise you the more you try to stop him the more he will resent you. If he is neglecting you or his responsibillities... again that would be the first thing I would discuss. Just my two cents.

[JLT]

I think so many women can relate to this problem. It seems that now with technology it is so easy to access this kind of "entertainment." I think because of this easy access it has become something that its so easy for men to do without the risk of their privacy being exposed. For example is cheaper easier and faster and risk free to download porn from their computer than actually exposing themselves to getting it somewhere else. I met my husband 7 years ago and at some point when we started dating i realized he had lots of porn in his computer. The first time i realized this it was a bit upsetting but i let it go because I thought it is just something that would eventually stop. When we moved in together i realized it was a bigger problem than I thought. We started having problems when he would let me go to sleep first and then sneak out of the bed to watch porn sometimes even after having sex. i tried so many different things from maybe showing some enthusiasm to watch it together but that didn't work because he would still do this on his own. When I felt that our sex life decreased as his porn watching increased i tried lingerie and he didn't really seemed into it. Despite of of this going on he was an amazing loving boyfriend and we ended up getting married. i thought once we are married this would probably stop but it didn't and the first year of our marriage involved much arguing over porn. I think it is very hard not to take this personally and think "this is not about me, this is just something that guys do" when he is clearly obsessing over watching other girls. It is difficult to maintain a healthy self-steam while trying to understand why he prefers porn over real sex or in addition to it. It just got worse and worse, he started watching live cams and stuff like that. At times I knew he was watching it and i wanted to pretend i didn't know or cared. During our anniversary was the worst because i had bought new lingerie and prepared a romantic dinner but he started having problems with not being able to get an erection. Around the same time he started fantasizing about one of his co-workers in porn type of settings and after he told me that I was raging in anger and I decided to see a counselor. The counselor said that it is normal to have fantasies as long as he didn't act upon them and that porn was just something that some people enjoy watching and that it was okay as long as it didn't become addictive. Then when she asked about the number of times he watch is it, he completely lied about it and we had a little argument in the counselor's office. Then she sent him to talk to an addiction therapist but again he lied about how much porn he watches and made it seemed like it was not a big part of his life and that was not causing any problems. Since then I have tried to understand why guys can become so obsessed with porn and when i asked one of my guy friends he said is because its so easy and fast. When i argued that why wouldn't he just try to do it with his girlfriend and he said because its more time consuming and it also depends on her willingness to do it when he feels like doing it, so his solution is just to watch porn instead. My problem with my husband being obsessed with this thing is that he watches it even when we have guests in the house and at times when i consider it to be inappropriate. i have told him that i want this to stop before we have children because i don't want this kind of environment to be present when we have kids. I just don't know if this is going to ever stop, he is getting some help now but so far it hasn't really made a difference. He understands how this makes me feel and i have even told him that i will leave if this doesn't stop but I know if i push for it it would just make it worse and if i pretend that i don't care it will still happen. Maybe I am wrong and I am the one that needs therapy to accept that porn is just a thing that guys do and that i need to be okay with it.

[Trisha23]

your husband need a professional help,look for a doctor that can help him overcome his bad past experiences...do not leave him behind he need lots of your understanding.