[jns]

It sounds like being away from all of this drama is what you really need to do now to get your head straight. If you find you cannot live without your husband, then get back together and work harder at making it work. You do know his tendencies, so don't expect changes from him. You could go to counseling to work on lessening your reactions to how he is. If you find that you are better off without him, then part as cleanly as possible. Don't think you have to get into something with the other guy, either now or later. That may just have been the circumstance that made you see the truth.

You have to take on a more masculine role at times for the military. That is your job. Having a husband that follows more traditional masculine roles in working life, around the house and in the bedroom is not an unusual request from a wife. You are normal.

[rcoreyus]

A few things to think about. A new person will always seem better, more exciting. You spend your time with them having fun, not doing laundry, or cleaning up after the dog threw up. Having someone attracted to you is enormously flattering. Love and lust are deeply intertwined in the human mind - as the old song said "love is an angel disguised as lust", but lust is also a devil disguised as love. I don't think anyone can be really rational in this situation.

I think that if you are "making out" to the extent that you know how well endowed this man is, it really doesn't matter if you have intercourse. You are being intimate for sexual pleasure - I just don't think it makes any difference with particular sexual acts you engage in.

As far as sex, even if you have been together for a long time, you may need to tell him what you want. It may be obvious to you, but it may not be obvious to him. You indulge his fantasies / fetishes - but didn't he have to tell you what they were for you to figure it out? This is one of my few problems with my wife in bed - she will not tell me what she likes, and even after 30 years its difficult to know. Sex is complicated, something that makes your partner orgasm quickly may not be the thing they most like. People like different things at different times.

I think the key question is whether you were feeling dis-satisfied with your husband before you met this new man. If things were OK before, then you may just be in the muddle of confused feelings that a new crush with intimacy generates. In that case if you want to save your marriage then you need to stay completely away from this new man.

On the other hand, if the problems with your husband were longer lasting, that is a different matter. It is not the specifics that matter, it doesn't matter that your husband **should** be a very good man - if you don't love him and respect him than I don't think you can be happy together. It sounds to me like you don't have kids. (and I'm not sure it would matter if you did). If you do not love and respect your husband, then I think you should divorce so that both of you can find someone who is better matched. Neither of you will be happy if you continue the way you are - you are not doing him any favors by staying.

This is a really difficult and confusing situation. My suggestion is to completely remove your friend from your thinking, and then decide if you wan to leave your husband. Most early relationships do not turn into marriage. You are not deciding between your husband and your friend, you are deciding between staying with your husband, or looking for someone new. Also remember that if one person is unhappy in a marriage, both will be.

[AmoreSmore]

Thanks for all the advice, I really do take what you say into consideration.

I haven't been physically around either of them in about 3 months since I deployed. I talk to my husband every day. I used to talk to my friend every day too until about two weeks ago when he told me he wanted us to actually be together and asked me to leave my husband. I told him I wasn't ready to make that kind of jump. He said if that's the case we will act just like normal friends even if we will always have feelings for each other. Since then he's been distant and much less talkative, though his schedule also changed. I understand bc I know it's hard for both of us to act like we don't care.

I just have a lot of thinking to do. In about two week I will be back at the same base as him and I think seeing him again and being around him will help me decide if I can just be friends or if I want us to be more.

Idk I guess we'll see.