[Raina]

For asking that my fiance doesn't keep in contact with his Ex Girlfriends OR have him introduce me to newly made lady friends. I have jealousy issues, but it only flares WHEN there was a perfect opportunity to tell me about this girl hes making friends with at work and he only says "I've met her". Yet, hes going to talk to his tattoo artist for her because he told her she was a 'fresh canvas' because she has no tattoos.

We got into it last night because of that and I honestly dont know where it went. I cant even tell if I even accomplished anything because I was talked to like such a dog. He doesn't feel it necessary to introduce me to new friends all the time. When you are doing favors for them, I'd like to know about'em. I have no problem telling him about friends I've made and yet he floated around the opportunity to inform me about this girl, who I can tell is his type just by looking at her. Shes married with kids, but that hasn't stopped him from leaving me before.

SO, I asked (because I obviously can't just tell him) if he would introduce me to newly made friends. Is there harm in that? no! Especially when I'm sitting in the truck and shes right inside the store.

I honestly don't mind opposite sex friends, I have them. However, I don't just NOT tell my fiance about them. I let him know about them and everything I know about them.

Ive been told my fiance is nothing but childish and needs to grow up and learn how to treat women. Hes overly-nice to other women and it puts me down, but he refuses to tone it down AT ALL, because Im asking him to change to much. IMO, there is a certain level of nice but when you are overly-nice, people can mis-interpret that. Im nice to people, but I don't try to rush to be their friends, it just looks weird. He tells me, "You know how I was when we got together" and if I'm not mistaken, don't people generally change without doing it on purpose or being ask or told to, for the better of their relationship?

I feel like I am asking the world to be given to me by wanting to be introduced to friends, male or female, when he has their number within a few days of knowing them and such.

So here are my questions, and anyone can comment on anything above.
1: Am I in the wrong for asking him that?
2: Am I in the wrong for being angry that he floated around telling me about a friend he made as if he only met her for 5 minutes.
3: Should I feel bad about any of this? (I am an overly jealous woman, but only when big or little things like that are hidden from me)
4: I know guys need their alone time, hes told me that there are times where he just wants to be alone, even from me. How would other woman feel about that?
5: Could my insecurity (From being cheated on in most of my relationships in the past, and him leaving me for another woman at one point) be just flaring things up that wouldnt bother other women?
6: Am I the bad guy?

[stressed]

Have you truly left his past cheating in the past, or does it come back to you every time a woman is involved? It doesn't sound like you've left that in the past, but more like you expect him to do it again, at any point, with any other woman.

If you won't deal with this once and for all and leave it behind, you can never trust this man again. Maybe he does make mistakes and doesn't behave like a committed man would, but there's a risk that you misjudge his character because of his past cheating as well. I think you're both to blame about this situation and unless you're able to feel he won't cheat on you again, and unless he starts showing more respect to you, this won't work.

[Hopeless Dork]

You're not in the wrong for expressing your concerns... there might be a better way , or rather... a different way to go about it though in my opinion. You have to try to understand that when you are expressing yourself to a man, they can't read between the lines sometimes. You say 'why don't you introduce me to your friends?? You need to introduce me to your friends , I would introduce ppl to you!'. They hear you telling them what to do, they hear you saying because you do something they have to too, they hear "control" and turn a deaf ear to anything else.

Instead you can lead with the stuff that is in between the lines... 'when you don't introduce me to your friends, it makes me feel like I don't matter to you'. Maybe you don't mean it that way, but its how it makes me feel'. This is not saying , you must introduce me, this is not saying 'you are wrong' this is saying: Your actions/inactions effect me in this way. This gives them to power to correct it, because the reality is the issue is small.

How hard would it before him to say oh sally come outside i want you to meet my gf raina. It would take moments, it would make you feel happy and secure and it would probably make sally or whoever feel more comfortable too. No one likes to feel like they are persing off their new friends girl.

By telling him how something makes you feel and let him decide what to do next time, you aren't exhibiting control... you are simply stating what hurts your feelings and what would make you happy and letting him decide how he wants to treat you equip with the knowledge of what the outcome of his actions will be.

I know you don't want to control him, you just want to feel secure and significant in his life probably. But guys dont' hear what you don't say. They don't feel the way we feel about things so the fact that you tell him that you'd introduce your friends to him won't mean the same thing to him that it does to you.

What makes relationships work though is though he may not be bothered by you talking to some guy friend and not introducing him, it bothers you... and he should respect that. If he doesn't... then you know what you are dealing with as far as how much he cares about how things make you feel. So long as what you are asking for is rational, and your approach respectful ... a man that loves you won't mind taking that extra minute to make you feel good by meeting sally or pam or whoever. Especially if he has a history of cheating or leaving you... he needs to realize that in your special case -- he may need to take some extra steps to comfort you.

Guys in relationships DO need time alone, just as women do. My boyfriend gets his alone time every week and so do I. I think its essential to appreciating what you have in someone to be able to still have time for your own personal interests outside of them. Whether its laying on a couch watching football or going to the gym, or whatever. Both partners need time to themselves from time to time, personally i think its needed on a day to day basis and here or there, sometimes more than that.

A lot of people say well... they have time away from me at work... but that doesn't count, work is work. Everyone likes a little time to put their feet up, to read, to watch a show without having to be 'on' for anyone... where they can get up and do a chicken dance if they want to , no ones lookin'!

[Raina]

The guy friends that I have are either male friends hes made and then I made friends with them or the one guy friend I still talk to from Midschool on through Highschool. He tried to rub that in my face, "Well you have Scott and blah blah" and I told him, "I've known Scott for years and I've never had feelings for him. Hes a perfect guy friend, but hes not my type relationship wise." (This was when he was complaining about having opposite sex friends and Ex girlfriends still as friends) I have issues approaching things in a good way, I think over it over a period of time and then bring it to attention, its difficult to keep my facts straight though once he starts getting ****ed off and yelling at me like a dog or something and then it all goes to mush for me and whatever I had planned perfectly to tell him, goes out the window. (He knows this)

Also, my friend (We'll call her Sam, she lives in another time zone 3 hours behind us) was texting me earlier today as to how she got onto my fiance for something. (It was completely unrelated to my relationship, but it involved a group of people including herself, me and my fiance) and she let him have it. He told her that he was uncomfortable with talking to her because he knows how I get. He knows that I love this girl to death because me and her get along like 2 peas in a pod! I talk about her to him alot and everything! He feels uncomfortable talking to a woman that I know and trust, yet hes fine with talking to a woman that I don't know at all. That makes my stomach hurt, it makes my body cold and shiver. I try to see his logic in that, but I can't find any. He also told her that "I know my boundaries and she knows I wouldn't hurt her" but I don't know that because of how hes so hateful to me when I try to talk to him about things that bother me, how hes unwilling to tone how nice he is to women down at all because he thinks that being overly-nice gets better reactions. Theres nothing wrong with being nice, but when you comment that their body is a 'fresh canvas' for tattoos I can't help but think as to how that discussion occurred. It kills me because I can tell just by appearence and how he floated around telling me about the woman, shes his type. He told me "Im not going to just not make friends with cool people because you are insecure" my insecureness doesn't just happen out of thin air, something triggers it.

He introduced me to a girl he made friends with and that was awesome! I like her and I'm fine with that. I brought that up to him during our conversation and his response was "It was an opportunity, you were there and she was there." Well....I was there when I saw Sally working that day you went to the store, because she stopped at the door to look outside as soon as we pulled up as if she was seeing who it was....

If he says that I know he wouldnt hurt me, and that he knows his boundaries. Then he needs to show them to my somehow. Thats just me ranting.

[WildChild]

You need to get this resolved before you marry. It sounds like a matter of commincation and balance. He broke it off once and that has left you nervous and insecure, he isn't understanding that. You need some compliments and interaction that you aren't getting and you need to be able to communicate that effectively.

On the other hand your insecurity could drive him away. I recommend that you both read John Grey's Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus as a start and then maybe that book on love languages, its written from a christian perspective but if you aren't into that there is still good info there.

[Raina]

I hardly get much interaction anymore, the positive, fun and loving kind atleast. Most of his time is spent on the XBOX or sleeping. Now that he works (the fact that he works with this girl is kinda driving me nuts) he comes home with his feet hurting and his back aching and I'll rub his feet on a nightly basis, but thats about as much interaction between us anymore. He goes to sleep after that for long periods of time and while I'm asleep, hes awake and vise versa. Hes asleep right now and its his day off and here in two hours I have to go back to his grandmothers (because I am spending 5 nights a week with her, just throughout the night starting at 6pm) and he usually just goes home and plays video games all night or watches Tv unless I can get him to chatting with me VIA text. There isnt much at all to do at his grandmothers house because its always clean. She'll ask me to vaccum or dust or something every now and again, but my entertainment is TV and eventually that gets tiring. Spend my time watching romantic movies and junk, ugh.

I will eventually take a trip to the bookstore or something another and find some books on it and see if that helps. I don't like the idea of googling how to fix certain issues about yourself and such because that data could be really flawed.

[stressed]

You have to spend more quality time together. Your schedules are killing your relationship and just that is enough without anyone else involved (friends, girls, ex'es, workmates etc.). One of you has to change schedules so you can spend more time together.

[Raina]

You have to spend more quality time together. Your schedules are killing your relationship and just that is enough without anyone else involved (friends, girls, ex'es, workmates etc.). One of you has to change schedules so you can spend more time together.

Not so sure if spending more time with him would help out or make things worse. I found out he was looking at porn magazine (Hes calling them E-Books) on Extra Torrent and he got irritable because I'm smothering him apparently. I only wanted to know why he was looking at these E-books of a naked woman named Cheri on the 2010 December calender or some junk. I wasn't going to 'nag' or 'complain', I only wanted to know what happened. However, even though I told him I wasn't angry or upset and that I only wanted to know what happened he gave me the 'Uh huh, sure!' attitude, which makes me oh so very mad!

Also, I read that book and it helped me of sorts. However, I think it would benefit more if he would read it as well. I can't get him to read it, or even listen to an audio version of the book because he apparently did something on it in College and had the cliff notes, which I don't feel are nearly the same thing.

Love needs to come with a guide! Lol