[jebralco]

Ok a little background first so you all know where I'm at. I have been married to my husband coming on 10 years this month. Together we have 4 kids. I have found out in the past that he goes online and looks at porn. ( yeah, I know that lots of guys do these things.) However, last night i was having a flare (I have Fibromyalgia) so I sat in a reclining chair most of the night hoping I could move the next day. I have had a niggling feeling that things were not kosher with my hubby. For the last week he has left off his wedding ring. I took mine off because I had started exercising to help with my strength and my hands swelled up so bad I still can't get it back on. Well I went to go find an item in our e-mail and he has a folder marked "jobs". I thought it was curious because he has a steady job that he would never leave so I opened it. OMG! I found out that in the last month he has been going onto two sites one for single parents the other looking for "mates". Needless to say my anger and curiousity overrode good judgement and I used his log on to the single parent one and looked at his profile. This is what I found (leaving all identifiers out)Male
49 years old
5' 10" tall
Athletic build
Black hair - Hazel eyes
Pacific Islander
I smoke daily
Good looking
Sales (occupation)
College (education)
Rather not say (income)
Looking for a Casual relationship
Legally Separated
Has 3 children, lives with 2
Catholic (religion)
Are you kidding me?! I didn't know that he didn't consider my oldest daughter his. She has called him "Daddy"' since she was 6 yrs old. (She's now 16) I always considered my stepson one of my kids. I also thought that we were still married guess I'm just too realise anything at this point. Oh, I almost forgot he is 49 yrs old. while I'm 36. I sent him an e-mail because we are never alone to talk (the kids are always around) and at night he just goes to sleep and won't talk or gets angry and defensive and then starts accusing me of cheating on him! I don't hardly leave the house and have no car during the day while he's at work and I'm at home with the kids. When would I have time? I told hime it's them or us make a decision. Havn't heard from him yet though. Am I being crazy? The stress of this is killing me emotionally. I love him but I told him years ago that I consider online porn cheating and he agreed! What do I do? He has already refused counceling because he says he's not nuts.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Ok a little background first so you all know where I'm at. I have been married to my husband coming on 10 years this month. Together we have 4 kids. I have found out in the past that he goes online and looks at porn. ( yeah, I know that lots of guys do these things.) However, last night i was having a flare (I have Fibromyalgia) so I sat in a reclining chair most of the night hoping I could move the next day. I have had a niggling feeling that things were not kosher with my hubby. For the last week he has left off his wedding ring. I took mine off because I had started exercising to help with my strength and my hands swelled up so bad I still can't get it back on. Well I went to go find an item in our e-mail and he has a folder marked "jobs". I thought it was curious because he has a steady job that he would never leave so I opened it. OMG! I found out that in the last month he has been going onto two sites one for single parents the other looking for "mates". Needless to say my anger and curiosity overrode good judgement and I used his log on to the single parent one and looked at his profile. This is what I found (leaving all identifiers out)Male
49 years old
5' 10" tall
Athletic build
Black hair - Hazel eyes
Pacific Islander
I smoke daily
Good looking
Sales (occupation)
College (education)
Rather not say (income)
Looking for a Casual relationship
Legally Separated
Has 3 children, lives with 2
Catholic (religion)
Are you kidding me?! I didn't know that he didn't consider my oldest daughter his. She has called him "Daddy"' since she was 6 yrs old. (She's now 16) I always considered my stepson one of my kids. I also thought that we were still married guess I'm just too realise anything at this point. Oh, I almost forgot he is 49 yrs old. while I'm 36. I sent him an e-mail because we are never alone to talk (the kids are always around) and at night he just goes to sleep and won't talk or gets angry and defensive and then starts accusing me of cheating on him! I don't hardly leave the house and have no car during the day while he's at work and I'm at home with the kids. When would I have time? I told him it's them or us make a decision. Haven't heard from him yet though. Am I being crazy? The stress of this is killing me emotionally. I love him but I told him years ago that I consider online porn cheating and he agreed! What do I do? He has already refused counseling because he says he's not nuts.

Firstly, I am sorry that you found out he was on a dating site.. But snooping will do that, but we have gut feelings you went with it.

The children aspect may simply be that the more you write on that note, the less chances woman may be interested. But, to say he is Legally Separated in my "opinion" means he feels that way inside.

Fibromyalgia is a killer.. I know I've had it since 1999 and i have learnt ways to keep it under control.

I remember though when it first happened ( due to an injury) i wasn't myself for a couple of years, very down, depressed, in pain, thought i could never live a normal life again, coped with the flair ups but got angry at the persistence of this illness... Tried Polities, physio, it was medium pressured massages, walking more, and less typing that helped me ease it and heat bags when it flared up.

Point being... If you have suffered this for a while, chances are your married has been ****e, you've been depressed and often in pain. Takes a good guy to accept that and understand it and keep you from sinking daily over it, rather gaining the relief in the end and feeling great again after.

I would hassered at a guess that his sex life is also low, as a result of this illness and so porn has come back into it to.

I am off course speculating as i have jumped the hurdle, do suffer from it, but not every day of the year more like a few weeks, then nothing for quite some time.

But, i do remember what i was like in the beginning and frankly no guy would want to be around you at the beginning of suffering from this if you feel depressed and always in pain.

Perhaps you can advise whether you have it mildly, or for a long time, etc.

Not excusing him at all, don't get me wrong, but trying to ascertain the why to help you find a way to sort it out better.

CW

[rcoreyus]

He may be really meeting women from these sites. He may just be playing with the the fantasy of meeting women - going on a dating site just to see if anyone would want him. Not good in any case.

[jebralco]

I have had Fibro for two years now. I haven't been able to work for about 18 months. I tried for a few months but was in agony doing it. So I filed for ssdi and started physical therapy. I have tried all the medications; 1 for migrains, 1 to help me sleep, 2 different muscle relaxers, 2 pain meds (one was for when I was having a massive flare up, the other was for every day) and finally another to keep me from getting sick taking all the other . I hate meds! I have to keep this stuff locked up. I'm tired all the time. And I can understand that all the stress of this is just not on me but everyone around me as well. He has slept on the couch for the past year unless he "wants some". Then he just leaves and goes back to the couch right after. I told him this morning if he can't handle the disease I have, if I'm not the one he wants anymore then divorce me. I can't handle the added stress that he's giving me. I don't belive in staying married just "for the sake of the kids". THat can do more harm than good.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I have had Fibro for two years now. I haven't been able to work for about 18 months. I tried for a few months but was in agony doing it. So I filed for ssdi and started physical therapy. I have tried all the medications; 1 for migrains, 1 to help me sleep, 2 different muscle relaxers, 2 pain meds (one was for when I was having a massive flare up, the other was for every day) and finally another to keep me from getting sick taking all the other . I hate meds! I have to keep this stuff locked up. I'm tired all the time. And I can understand that all the stress of this is just not on me but everyone around me as well. He has slept on the couch for the past year unless he "wants some". Then he just leaves and goes back to the couch right after. I told him this morning if he can't handle the disease I have, if I'm not the one he wants anymore then divorce me. I can't handle the added stress that he's giving me. I don't belive in staying married just "for the sake of the kids". THat can do more harm than good.

Well i am glad that you would ensure happiness for the kids, therefore, if there was to be a break up so be it.

But, from what you are telling me (remember i had it just as bad as you) and i know of other's that have it, him sleeping on the couch, for 12 months means in his eyes he is "separated".. He's separated from being a husband... I suspect that this is why he feels the need to get attention from women.

I think you need to have a close look at this very seriously...

If you were happy "before" you go Firbromyalga, then trust me in around 2 to 3 years time at the worse, you are going to feel almost normal for most of the times, still suffering but no where near what you are now, then there will be no one there for you.

It's a killer for "negativity" you don't WANT anyone around, feel down and out, sorry for yourself, it's never going to get better, you resign yourself to this, state it out loud, it's a decease after all, it's not curable.

Is that how you feel? And possibly how you are around the house?

Of course your husband is "thinking" he needs to be loved as well and people can't understand Fibromyalga, well some can don't get me wrong but not all can, with all the emotions attached.

Listen to me. Start using heat bags, ask about Polities balls, start using the muscles that have desinigrated and slowly build a bit more back into them, you can do it you know.

It will always be around, for me mainly winter, but you can break the viscious cycle of it where you can forget it for a while and be happy, but you have to put your mind to it and believe that it's not going to control your life for the rest of your life.

Otherwise, when hubby has gone, someone else later will enter and they will be gone to...

It's a bugger i know... And painful but you can work towards beating it, try to slow down on the medication, i stopped after 1 year i think, i got sick of taking drugs. It didn't mean i didn't feel the pain, but i swapped for light massages, heat bags and polites balls, (the polites balls can flair it up) so you need to have a physio do it with you gently if you try this..

But honestly, i swear it conditions your mind to get used to the no drugs and i've never gone back to them ever...

Still there are bad days, sometimes a few weeks, but out of 12 months, much better than to bare with it every day of your life.

See why your husband is doing this, he's sleeping on a couch and has for a year.

Your feeling down and out and that it is never going to get better so what's the use?

Plenty, cause you can make it better, give it more time and work slowly towards it and be strong and believe....

Why not tell your husband that. That, you want to try a few new things and mindset to reduce the illness and be happy again, i am sure he would go back to the begginning days when it all happened and try again to support you.

Have a think about it.

CW