[Tim4family]

Oh my God, This man is the bigest "Richard Cranium" I have yet to discover. If men are behaving this way towards the mothers of their children I am going to slit my own throat. I am disgusted and my heart goes out to you. Leave this monster immeadiately, dont look back, take your kids and find help in friends/family/shelter. What is wrong with all the men? Your wives and children are your responsibility, honor it and behave appropriately! Laying down your life for the benefit of your family, that is the rule!

[sarak]

Hi. This is my first post. I am living with the father of my 2 daughters. He is mentally abusive,and needs to have control over everything. I have been un happy for many years. Our older daughter is 14 and the younger one is 10. We live in a nice home and a nice neighborhood with good schools. I am so trapped because everything is his and even though I work and my money goes in the house everything is still his. He is always telling me I mooch off of him because I live in his house. I don't ask him for a dime, nor do I ask him to do any driving, meetings, etc. for the kids. Why haven't I left? GUILT. I feel terrible because I could never afford to live in the neighborhood that we live in and the kids just got settled in their schools. Through the years he has always told them that if mommy don't do anything wrong they will always have the best. If I leave then I am low class trash and a bad mother because we would have to live in a apartment. The kids don't want to do that because of our dog. Sometimes I just wish I wasn't here so they would not have to deal with the fighting and the worring about getting thrown out. Last time we fought he xld my car insurance,health insurance,cell phones,and put the house on the market.I can honestly say I hate where I am in life.

This is terribly familiar to me, because my father did this to me recently when I finally stood up to him about the way he treated me. He was the exact same as your husband and had no real respect for me. He always talked about accountability and how I was accountable to him, even though I'm a junior in college at an engineering school. I had to start everything from scratch and get two jobs just to have food and enough money to get around. Once I had abandoned his financial support for emotional freedom, I can honestly say it was completely worth it, even considering that I was broke and in college with no one to help me. When I was looking for information about what kind of insurances I Considering that in the case of divorce you would undoubtedly receive ample child support and most likely alimony on grounds of mental abuse, you would actually be able to afford these insurances to protect yourself and your children.
Again, it's terrible that you are going through this, but even if you are divorced, he is responsible for the upkeep of his children. While he has a job, you will never go hungry or un-taken care of and nor will your children. You can handle this very well if you just inform your lawyer of the situation you're in.

[WildChild]

Leaving an abusive relationship requires some planning and care if you have the time and ability to do it. It sounds like you have a car, is it in your name, both or just his? How about the house? It depends on where you live but it may not matter who's name is on it, as long as it is "marital" property you are part owner. You need to find out what the law is. Most family or divorce attorneys will give you a free phone or office consultation of 30 -60 mins. Have a list of questions, so you know what you want to find out, such as likely property division, child care, maintence, conservation of assets, insuurance and physical protective measures you need to take. Do you have a copy/fax machine in the house which you can access without his knowledge? Make copies of financial records, accounts, taxes for the last three years, car titles, mortgage info, insurance policies - anything that you might need to know later.

Again dependant upon where you live, leaving will be two possiblities, you and the kids go else where, or you have the locks changed and restraining order served and force him out of the house. Does he have guns? Can you make sure these are not accessible to him if you force him out?

You need a safe house, someone you know, that he doesn't know, that you and your kids can go to. I had a set up where with a phone call I could have driven into an open garage, shut it, walked through a door into a yard with a high fence and been unseen for as long as needed. You are working, can you start stashing some money? A few dollars here, a few there, could make a big difference for you later. If you have to buy things with cash and return them for cash. Stash a couple car keys where they can be gotten at outside the house. Keep a couple changes of clothes for yourself and the kids in your car. Give a trusted freind - who doesn't know your husband, (this could be a co-worker, a child's freind's parent, just someone who won't betray you) an emergency pack with copies of your ID, the kids birth certificates and other important info. Include you and your kids fingerprints.

Know that your control freak abuser could go through a variety of reactions, he may try to lul you into feeling like he's calm, may make treats, could become dangerous. The most dangerous times are right when you leave, right after and when the divorce is finalized. He gets a sense of power from controlling and belittling you, it is a complex set of emotions and he won't give it up easily. He may be a narcissist, look that up on the computer and see if he fits the profile - sounds like he may. Do you want your kids to grow up thinking this is how women are supposed to be treated? how men are supposed to act? How a marriage is supposed to be? Not begging your pardon...**** the dog and the house, those are bs excuses to do nothing. This is the rest of your life and your kids lives! Do you want the next 10 years to look like the last 10? DO you want to see your kids grow to have relationships like the one you do? Want to know what your future and theirs looks like? Stay where you are and at the very best it will continue to be exactly what it is but chances are it will get worse as your daughters mature and start to develop into women. It could get a whole lot worse! There is nothing wrong with living in an apartment or even a trailer, it is what you make it. The price you are paying for the house is too high. Better free, happy and poor than a slave in a palace. You've been brainwashed for years into belittling your self, time to grow up, and take charge . You can't change him but you can change you. Get out of there make your like something you can be proud of and your girls can look to for an example.