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can a guy really learn and change?

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  • can a guy really learn and change?

    i've been wondering about this for quite some time now. can guys change? can they make mistakes and learn to never do them again or will they eventually, inevitably do them again?

    i've been with my boyfriend for two years. he's my first and i'm very much in love with him. he's made a number of mistakes regarding two-timing that i don't know if i want to remember or recount in detail very much, but that was before we became official.

    (but i suppose i won't be able to drive my point home unless i say a little bit about his mistakes). to keep it short, i'll just say that when we were dating, he turned out to have a girlfriend and i turned out to be the other girl without my knowing it.

    this has happened twice with him. both those times, whenever he'd finally tell me about his gf, he'd break up with her shortly after. (and no longer saw the girl after that, this i'm sure of.)

    the first time it happened, i really tried my hardest to stop seeing him when i learned about it, even when he broke up with the girl shortly after, but somehow i found my way back to him (i am obviously very smitten).

    during the second time, we were still just seeing each other and when he finally told me that he again had a gf (a different girl this time), he broke up with her that same night through the phone. he was really sincerely miserable about it, just as i was, and i'm pretty sure he no longer saw that second girl after that (because i look at her friendster.com profile all the time and she already has a bf not too long after they broke up) and anyone else for that matter.

    to cut the story short, despite those two experiences, he still, somehow became my boyfriend and we've been together for two years since.

    he knows that the thing with his other gfs hurt me very badly and from the time that we became an official couple i could see his effort and i could really feel his love. at the start of our relationship as a couple, it's been hard for him too because i become very jealous at times with his girl friends (which i think should be normal considering our history) even if there's really nothing going on, but he's been really patient with me about it. and whenever i ask him about a girl he knew he'd always tell me straight out who she was and how he knew her, so that i won't get jealous, or start doubting him. i can even probably say that he's paid his penance, cause i can be very difficult when i'm jealous.

    things settled down after a year or so, and i've learned to trust him more since he's been very open to me and has been trying his hardest to regain my trust.

    i know for a fact that he's been very faithful since that last incident years ago, and i'm very happy with him now. it's just that sometimes, i can't help getting uneasy because i don't know for sure if a guy can really change like that.

    some say if he's done it before, he'll do it again. i don't really want to believe that. i'd rather believe that people, guys in particular, can and do change...but i don't know.

    any thoughts on this?

    (i apologize if this turned out to be a kilometric entry, and i apologize too because i know other women have worse problems than this.)

  • What is so wrong about him dating more than one girl when there is no 'official' relationship? Dating is supposed to be about testing the waters, seeing what and with whom it works. Finding out what you want. The idea that because you go out with someone a couple of times that you have a relationship is not very practical. You should be careful whom you sleep with. bed hopping isn't a very safe plan.

    I don't see why this is a problem. It's like worrying about former gfs, it's past history. You need to let go of this. He's been faithful since you've been 'official', that's what counts. Obviously you are what he wants or he would have quit seeing you and gone with someone else. Be glad he tested the waters and chose you, he's less likely to be wondering if he'd rather be with someone else. But if you are suspicious and jealous, you could eventually drive him away. Relax a bit and enjoy him.

    Comment


    • he was official with the other two girls when he dated me, though. is that okay to be dating when you're officially with someone already?

      but you're right, i should relax. in the end he chose me. it just worries me sometimes that he might do it again, (with me being the girlfriend this time.)

      Comment


      • I'm torn. If he was young and immature at the time he did those things then maybe he could have matured and realized how hurtful it was. Maybe he won't do it again. People do make mistakes when they're young. I know I did some cheating when I was in high school but now that I'm older I never would. I don't know how old you all are.

        Part of me also thinks that behaviour of that sort is unacceptable, especially when he did it twice, and any person with common sense should be able to see the wrong and not do it.

        I don't think anyone here can give you a solid answer. You'll have to make the determination yourself.
        Well some people say that you shouldn't tempt fate, and for them I can not disagree. But I never learned nothing from playing it safe; I say fate should not tempt me. I take my chances.

        Comment


        • Originally posted by someonereal_ View Post
          i've been wondering about this for quite some time now. can guys change? can they make mistakes and learn to never do them again or will they eventually, inevitably do them again?

          i've been with my boyfriend for two years. he's my first and i'm very much in love with him. he's made a number of mistakes regarding two-timing that i don't know if i want to remember or recount in detail very much, but that was before we became official.

          (but i suppose i won't be able to drive my point home unless i say a little bit about his mistakes). to keep it short, i'll just say that when we were dating, he turned out to have a girlfriend and i turned out to be the other girl without my knowing it.

          this has happened twice with him. both those times, whenever he'd finally tell me about his gf, he'd break up with her shortly after. (and no longer saw the girl after that, this i'm sure of.)

          the first time it happened, i really tried my hardest to stop seeing him when i learned about it, even when he broke up with the girl shortly after, but somehow i found my way back to him (i am obviously very smitten).

          during the second time, we were still just seeing each other and when he finally told me that he again had a gf (a different girl this time), he broke up with her that same night through the phone. he was really sincerely miserable about it, just as i was, and i'm pretty sure he no longer saw that second girl after that (because i look at her friendster.com profile all the time and she already has a bf not too long after they broke up) and anyone else for that matter.

          to cut the story short, despite those two experiences, he still, somehow became my boyfriend and we've been together for two years since.

          he knows that the thing with his other gfs hurt me very badly and from the time that we became an official couple i could see his effort and i could really feel his love. at the start of our relationship as a couple, it's been hard for him too because i become very jealous at times with his girl friends (which i think should be normal considering our history) even if there's really nothing going on, but he's been really patient with me about it. and whenever i ask him about a girl he knew he'd always tell me straight out who she was and how he knew her, so that i won't get jealous, or start doubting him. i can even probably say that he's paid his penance, cause i can be very difficult when i'm jealous.

          things settled down after a year or so, and i've learned to trust him more since he's been very open to me and has been trying his hardest to regain my trust.

          i know for a fact that he's been very faithful since that last incident years ago, and i'm very happy with him now. it's just that sometimes, i can't help getting uneasy because i don't know for sure if a guy can really change like that.

          some say if he's done it before, he'll do it again. i don't really want to believe that. i'd rather believe that people, guys in particular, can and do change...but i don't know.

          any thoughts on this?

          (i apologize if this turned out to be a kilometric entry, and i apologize too because i know other women have worse problems than this.)
          Believe me, every man is different. I'm a guy. It sounds like he loves you. He will try his best to change. I have never cheated on my first girlfriend and never will, and chances are, she will cheat on me before I will ever on her. However, this is not just me. Don't forget, he is also human, he will and has made mistakes. I'm sure you will and have as well. Recognize that he loves you. You are not holding a grudge and you are fine. It's okay to be jealous. I'm sure he's hurt that you're hurt. You need a set a limit for yourself. Warn him that if it ever happens again, there will be problems. Talk to him about it in person.

          Comment


          • Well can guys change or ppl in general? That depends if they want change to occur in their life. Maybe you guys are more suited for an open relationship if he can't sexually commit to you. If this is the case why should you not be able to have sex with other men. He just has to learn to be honest when he gets the itch for another girl.

            HOnesty and communication goes a long way in any relationship.

            Don't apologize for your concerns that is what this board is for.... for everyone and anyone to be heard.

            Comment


            • Guys can nevar learn!!!!1

              Comment


              • thanks for the insights. =) i appreciate the differing opinions. i'm particularly glad to hear that most of the people here think that there's nothing to worry about.

                i agree with joy, if he really wants to change then he probably will. i can see he's been trying and i guess that's what is important.

                silvertae, i would very much like to believe that he was just immature back then and is starting to grow up. i heard somewhere that guys mature later than girls do hehe.

                and peace of mind, thank you for the advice. it's refreshing to be able to get a guy's perspective on this as i usually only talk about this with my girl friends. you're right, i should talk to him and set a limit. communication is the key!

                Comment


                • I think Guys can be "trained" but changed? I have serious doubts and if so? Into what? Men are men unless you alter their hormones and do surgery ;-)

                  Thats why when you date them you must be very very selective and be willing to toss the duds back! After they put a ring on your finger its too late!
                  "Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got." ~ Janis Joplin

                  Comment


                  • I firmly believe guys can change. Yes, they have hormones and are driven by them (aren't we all? ) But one thing I have learned about men is that if they want something (or someone) they will fight for it any means possible. They can change.. they are human and can make mistakes and learn from them. In my opinion saying that thye cant is kind of like denying them humanity. But that is just my opinion based on a lot of things thta have happened in my life recently.
                    If you truly love him, trust him to have changed for you.. obviously sounds as if he loves you very much!
                    "Put on your big girl panties and deal with it!"

                    Comment


                    • barring a significant emotional event, people dont change much after the age of 25 or so.

                      Comment


                      • I think Guys can be "trained" but changed? I have serious doubts and if so? Into what?
                        hahaha. i suppose trained would be an appropriate term. i'm not sure though if i'm a good trainer.

                        crzyredhead21, i feel relieved that there is someone who believes so much in the ability of guys to change. i do love him very much, and you're right, i should work on my trust a little bit more. thank you for the advice.

                        people dont change much after the age of 25 or so.
                        which means i have three more years to train him! i'm glad the cut-off year wasn't 20 or something lower.

                        Comment


                        • Get a hold of Mama Gena's books, she is all about how to train men and have them love it.

                          Comment


                          • I dont mean to be the bearer of bad news but "training a guy" is such horse ******** and nothing but girl gossip. Just because you see it in romance novel's and soap opera's dont think it happens in real life!

                            All women want the ability of changing the bad boy into the loving husband. But once you do you get bored of your "Creation" and then move on to something alittle more adventurous. Why do you think women keep the loving husband but then cheat on them with the bad boy?

                            There are 2 reasons why women think this.

                            1. Psychological: It is a demonstration of your femininity and your power to be able to seduce a man to a point where he has no control over his emotions. Because women have no control over there emotions... thats

                            2. Evolutionary: It doesn't serve much benefit to you if your man is going around impregnating other women because that means he will have less time and resources for you and your children.

                            It's complete and utter fantasy and wishful thinking!

                            However, there are women out there that have successfully changed the bad boy into the nice guy but guess what those bad boy was never truly bad boys it was just a front. hense the reason why women say things like "I love you but im not in love with you" or "your not the man i fell in love with"

                            Why do you think you women test men? You test for congruence and authenticity you push and push until you get resistance even though it may upset you its also comforting.

                            YOU CAN'T CHANGE A PERSON THAT HAS A SOLID AND CORE UNDERSTANDING OF WHO THEY ARE!

                            As far as training them... Stick with the romance novels! Or spend your money on foolish books like the one suggested above.

                            ------------------------------------

                            You have 2 options op:

                            1. Accept the fact that his behavior drives you crazy, and makes you think about him more and more. Enjoy the passion, suspense, anger and all the other emotions that he is making you have

                            or

                            Option 2.

                            Dump him, find a boring guy that does nothing for you emotionally or physically, has no spine and does everything you ask of him, does the same boring things every day can never take authority, but "is there for you"

                            ------------------------------------------

                            As far as men changing.

                            YES THEY CAN! I did.

                            They can change at any age. I have countless examples of proof of this.

                            Everyone can change, if they want to.

                            But it has to be for themselves and no one else.

                            Live laugh and love
                            Nice guys don't finish last, weak guys finish last.

                            Comment


                            • Perhaps this is a matter of definition. In a sense every experience we have "trains" us. It's positive or negative reinforcement. If you hold the door for a woman and she smiles genuinely and says thank you, aren't you more likely to do it again? If she kicks you in the shin are you likely to have the same reaction?

                              Mama Gena talks about 'training' men but she is really talking about is women teaching themselves to interact with men in a different way. To quit making them wrong and find what is right about them and reinforce it. To learn to accept and embraces other's strong points can create a situation where they are more willing to work with you, to find common ground. She also encourages women to lighten up and have more fun with men.

                              Soo LLL dear, when I recommed this book, it's really about women learning some different attitudes and relationship skills. You need to calm down a bit, just because you've read some malecentric stuff about how to manipulate women (and that's what a lot of what you've described in the past sounds like) doesn't make you an expert any more than I am or anyone else on here. It's just different perspectives, what works for one, may not for another. Some of the things you've recommended would leave me cold, but that doesn't mean they wouldn't be acceptable or even attractive to another type of woman.

                              I agree with you and have said repeatedly, you can't change someone. Only they can change themselves. You can't make them feel anthing that they don't allow. I do take exception to your sexist remarks and stereotyping, women certainly can and do control their emotions. And men do not have to be in charge or in control of anyone but themselves. Many couples enjoy very equitable relationships, where they recognize and play to each others strengths.

                              Men can change, women can change, if they choose to. Relationships and how society views them has changed and continues to change. We are fortunate to live in time that offer more options than our grandparents had and hopefully will offer even more for our grandchildren.

                              Comment

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