Women's Health Interactive Forums

  • If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ by clicking the link above. You may have to register before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below.

Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Girlfriends past devistating me, she's slept with guy that raped by ex-fiance+33more

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
Collapse
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Girlfriends past devistating me, she's slept with guy that raped by ex-fiance+33more

    Okay so to start out this is a rather involved messed up story and I've been trying to cope with and get my head right and forget about things for years. I'm to the point where I have to do something about my situation because I'm so physically and mentally stressed I'm making myself sick about it. I have a life decision to make soon and don't want to make the wrong decision and be miserable the rest of my life.

    So I began dating my first real girlfriend as a sophmore in High School, I'm 24 now so this was quite some time ago. We dated all through high school, and after 3 years moved in together. She was my first love as I was hers, I was also the only person she'd ever been with sexually(two years after we started dating). We dated a total of five and a half years and were fully intended on getting married, and If you could go back in time and change only one thing we probably would be. We got engaged after around four and a half years and then things took an unexpected devistation! Well about a year or just a little longer before we finally ended things for good something really horrible happened (the reason for the end of the relationship too). I was out of town visiting a friend one weekend and my girl went out to a party with her friends. She was a hardcore lightweight when it came to drinking, and they all got rather drunk and she couldn't handle it well. What turned this situation out bad is that her friends left her at this party and went off to a bar. Well she knew nobody at the party and was so drunk she needed to go home, just so happens one of my closest guy friends was at the party and he offered her a ride. She was stumbling almost passed out drunk and decided that was a great idea to get outta there. Well being young and niave she didn't think about anything remotely bad possible. Dip**** however took her to his house instead of giving her a ride home and suggested she stay on his couch so he could take care of her if anything happened. I was on the phone with her and furious that she was there and she was bilegerant and made no sense and the phone call ended. I come home the next day and she came home to talk and was devistated crushed and crying to me. She told me that she woke up and he was having sex with her and she pushed him away and was bawling, and yet he refused to give her a ride home till morning and told her not to tell me. The police did nothing because she was so hurt and scared she didn't go to them for almost a month and by then they didn't even bother to investigate the rape.
    My girl was very hurt and messed up from then on, it also did the same to our relationship. Over the course of the next year we fought more and she got very religious and went off to bible college to be a missionary. When she found god and became extreme religious in my opinion as a way of helping with the emotional damage; she broke up with me because of her bible college's policy and beleifs. It damaged me and I didn't date for 3 years.

    Well all that behind there's more, sorry but this is the part that is really damaging more. I have forever hated my ex guy friend more than any person/thing/idea possible. I resent him and wish upon him the worst fate and karma imaginable. I have spent years trying to get the image and replayed scene out of my head but think about it every day. I'm still in love with my ex but i'm sure she'll never date me again.
    I have since started dating someone again and it will soon be a year that we've been together. We are doing very well and I thought I would never love again but somehow we just got to the point where I realized I do love her and she's felt that way for some time. She is 24 as well and was a virgin up until she moved to the city we met at college. In the three years she's been here she has been with 34 people. I have been with a fraction as many people because sex to me isn't something needing to be done as casually as having a beer with a buddy. That bugs me to no end, I get images and thoughts all day long sometimes, and have to constantly try to keep my mind busy and on other things to not think about it. My first girl was a virgin and I view sex as something very special and to be done only where love is involved. There is no way however she fell in love with 34 people in 3 years, many to most were one night stands or short term drunk buddies.
    The big WHAMMIE in this story is that we started having sex as sex buddies two years before actually dating. During that two years I started to slowly fall for her and that's how it ended up happening. But we weren't dating those two years and she slept with lots of other people. The worst part of this story is that one of the one night stands was the guy who was my once one of my best friends that RAPED my ex girlfriend who i'd be married to if not for him. So not only now do I have movies and mental images of him raping my ex, but movies and images of my current girl having enjoyable consentful sex with him.
    This devistates me and I have fallen more and more in love with her and have no reason to doubt her faithfullness to me now. Past is past but it's ed up in this case. I don't know what to do.

    Another question I have and an issue that is bothersome. She has an excel spreadsheet of a calender starting when she became sexually active. It has the names and dates of every guy she's ever slept with. Including the exact date of EVERY occurence. It makes me sick to know about it. Is this normal or should I have every reason to be disgusted about it. I understand while she was sexually active with more than one person it's okay for the reason of if getting pregnant. But she still has it and has recently opened it at my house to look at things. I've never looked but it bothers me and I want it gone.

    We will both graduate college soon and have talked alot about moving away and living together in a bigger city. I love her very much and she's been an AMAZING girlfriend. We have been dating for almost a year, but have the two year past of having sex before that, which was always amazing and she does tell me it's the best she's ever had with me. I have never loved another girl as much since getting my heart torn to shreds with my last experience of life unfolding the way you'd never planned. She's helped me through some very hard times and problems and has kept me together in many ways, but her past haunts me. When we have sex and she's orgasming I think to myself, How many other people have seen this face, been inside her, gotten sucked off. It has gotten to me more and more over time and I'm about to have a mental breakdown. What makes it worse yet is that we worked together at a resturant for 3 years and i personally know many of the people she's hooked up with, some of which were friends but I now can't be around them because I think of them and my girl. I need to decide weather I can bury away these thoughts and images and spend my life with her, or if It's always going to bug and haunt me just as much or worse. That wouldn't be fair to either of us and I will stress myself to death. Any ideas on ways of coping or forgetting about it, or a better way to deal with this issue would be greatly appreciated.

  • I suppose the male mind baffles me in cases like this, you aren't first guy to post something along these lines. Why or how, if you have such a problem with her sexual history are you in love with her? How can you be? You can't accept who she is really. I guess I don't get the sex buddies, lots of partners thing either. What's the point of having an 'arrangement' if you are getting it all over the place?

    Agree the keeping track might make sense if pregnancy was a concern but keeping it now and continuing to check it seems a little odd. The issue with the former friend who raped your ex is understandable but your gf presumably knew nothing of it? you may not get past this, why subject yourself to it? Did any of this bother you while you were being 'sex buddies'? Was it OK if she slept with half the campus as long as you were getting some and weren't committed? I'm just trying to understand where your thinking is coming from. Kind of seems like you changed the rules in midstream. You have to either take her as she is or not at all.

    Comment


    • I think I know where you're coming from. I'm a rape victim too and I think you've never dealt with or had revenge for the rape of your girlfriend, in fact, it was never officially validated that it was a rape. The anger must drive you mad. The poor girl dealt with it as she found best and I hope she through her faith has found some way of dealing with the emotional turmoil, but it is clear, you haven't. This man deprived you of your life as it would have been. I don't blame you for your anger.

      Your current gf is a different situation, and despite the fact that she had consentual sex with the rapist, it seems to me she went a little wild when she got her hands on some personal freedom. If she had of been a guy you probably wouldn't have been so judgmental.

      If you're serious about making a future with this girl, I reckon the best thing you can both do is have a change of environment. At the moment you're bumping into her buddies all over the place, but if you removed yourself from the every day evidence of her colourful past, I think you would find yourself much more content. A clean slate.

      I would also suggest that you seek some counselling/therapy to deal with the anger you feel over your ex girlfriends rape.

      Comment


      • move on, this whole situation will torment you forever. take it from someone who's been there.

        Comment


        • I agree with the previous posters that since this bothers you so much, you may need to move on.

          But - Please don't put the blame on your current girl friend. At least in my opinion, if she wants to date / sleep with lots of men, that is her choice. It may even be good for people to have a bit of a wild life before they settle down - that way they would feel they've missed something later in life.

          Her keeping records isn't too strange. I knew one woman who did that. Partly because of pregnancy and / or disease issues. But maybe also just to remember. (I do hope she showed you the spreadsheet, and you didn't peek without permission).

          I've very sorry about your former girlfriends rape. But your current girl friend couldn't have known, so she is blameless.

          As an aside: PLEASE DON'T GET SMASHED AT PARTIES. It is certainly not your fault if someone takes advantage of you - but why put yourself at risk?

          Comment


          • I think that when people fall in love, it is "should be" for that person, past is past, present is present, future is future.

            I do agree however, that an excel spread of "past" should not be in the present however, at that time, she probably found it all amusing, a conquest of sorts, humans are humans, it is not just guys that like to play the field, rather people.

            She may not have looked at the spread sheet for the past 12 months, it may simply be in her computer but it is her life and she has a right to keep it, but respect you as well. Perhaps you should just mention to her that you appreciate that is part of whom she was, her life but would be great if she didn't look at it, whilst in a relationship with you, rather leave it as "memories".

            Jealousy is a silly word. Very wrong attitude will get you bad in the end, "stress" you to the hilt and ruin relationships.

            Seems you did the unbelievable, that being that you were one of those 34 guys however, you were "the one".. After all, she chose you and has been with you for 12 months.

            You say you both are thinking of moving in together, and moving, well by doing this it is a fresh start, you will not see those guys hey.

            When she orgasms, she is orgasming with "you", there is a completely different feeling of intimacy with a partner, than there is with chemistry alone and nothing more than chemistry.

            You need to view her sexual side as more intense with you, because here there are emotions involved, not just chemistry.

            Seems that you have a woman whom has chosen you, loves you, and you have fallen for her...

            Forget the past is my suggestion, totally, including the ex, the ex is still very much on your mind, probably because she was a Virgin and you feel jipped. Not at all, we can't change what happens in life but we can change the way we view it.

            CW
            PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

            Comment


            • I dont have a prob with the spreadsheet or the # thing, but with her ex-bf raping your ex-gf this is the one time I have to completely disagree with CW.

              Living with something similar myself, I can guarantee you that it will be next to impossible to ever put this well enough behind you to make it work.

              Comment


              • It is important to agree and disagree... to then solve. All good. Actually, i am not saying what happened was right, it was wrong for so many reasons, and i feel for the ex-girlfriend as she obviously turned to religion to get past what happened. I am not "non-understanding" in that it is almost impossible to forget, if not impossible to forget what that guy did in destroying a human being, two human beings.

                What I am saying, is that the threader appears to "love" this new lady and the only way he can be happy now is to "live" in the now with this new lady... If he continues to view the past and ex, how can he truly give 100% to this new person in his life, or the next one if this one doesn't work out...

                CW
                PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                Comment


                • To add........ The "rapist" is a low life jerk that took advantage on that occasion, destroying and in this situation took with consent.

                  Your heading as No1 clearly has noted, is the main key to your thread...If this is the core of your pain, this man, then I will have to change my thinking and state as a couple of others have said, move on...

                  If it is not the core of your pain, rather the "other" men in general then i will stick to what i previous wrote.

                  It can be difficult to answer totally sometimes, if you don't know the "core" of the feelings that you are "feeling" going through.

                  CW
                  PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                  Comment


                  • 30+ guys in 3 years. thats one a month. and she keeps a spreadsheet of all with dates and stuff. bro, its all numbers to her.
                    going to be blunt, she is like butter and spreads easy. are this months bread?
                    i cant say anything good about her. sorry but i see trouble for you in the future with her. i see failure if you got married, i see cheating if you stay with her. she may love you but i see trouble down the road.

                    now the ex friend. screw him. i will bet you he is a decent looking guy and knows it. and he takes advantage of women and take all options to sleep with anything with a heartbeat and is warm blooded. he is that type just from what i gather. and why do i say this, b/c i had a great friend who will do the same. i dont know about the rape part but he would sleep with anyones g/f, mother, sister, aunt, who and whatever else there is. and we dont talk anymore. i ended our 15+ yrs of friendship years ago when he chased after my then g/f. this was over 12 yrs ago and i hadnt spoken one word to him since.

                    as for your ex who said she got raped. i cant honestly say she did get raped. i have heard time and time again the got so drunk and passed out story it isnt funny. it could be true but i think it was. only you can believe it was or not. only those 2 know the true story. sorry to say but so many women say they got raped and it was to make themselves feel better or have an excuse of cheating. i have seen it with so many.
                    its the balckout story and i didnt know what happened routine. while growing up, so many used that story and i was told by over half the women i ever met. or should i say half the girls b/c they werent women yet. i do however feel sorry for the true victims and i have no mercy on the guy that does it to them. but i am sorry i do not think your ex was truely done this way. i feel that the police also agree with me and found something to the affect of what i said to be a huge factor. i dont want to be coming down on you hard but brother, i am telling you my opinion and being honest with you.
                    her gong to that convent thing or whatever you said it was, i think she did that as a get away. some women can play a pretty good game and i think you got the crummy end of it.

                    as for you being in love with this new girl, i think with your morals, standard, and believes you are like me. a sucker for love. you got hurt, dissed, and torn, and you want to be ok but you hadnt gotten over the ex, the love of your life. get over her before you can move forward and have the real thing. its ok to still love them once they are gone, but you have to put those in your past in a different place than where you hold them now.
                    and CW............................... i know you are going to tell me something on that last part so i know..........

                    Comment


                    • i feel ur pain

                      Hey man,

                      i feel ur pain and i even got teary reading this and i'm at work.

                      guess wat mate, i'm number 34 for my girlfriend so number wise we're in same boat,

                      My girlfriend however has been raped over half a dozen times by diff people at diff times in her life. i don't include this number in the people she's slept with.

                      me and my girl are both fully into eachother and in love,

                      about 2 months into the relationship i was at ur point of Physically getting sick from the stress, breaking out in rashing and throwing up just from playing the movies in my head,
                      and the thing with the orgasm man did that up my mojo while having sex lol.

                      and even right now.. i still have issues with my girlfriend's past and i have read everything online regarding this issue.

                      and there is tons and tons of advice out there and most of it good, but none will take away the emptiness inside and the heavyness on your chest.


                      I have taken Hypnosis and learned some techniques in getting rid of emotions and putting w/e you like there.

                      may i suggest googling emo-free and put a .com at end since we can't link in this forum. this is EFT Techniques which are very effective and helped me alot.

                      and i also have a technique which will get rid of the movies in your head but it's something i'd have to speak directly to you about.

                      add my msn: stylerock818hotmail.com and we'll talk more.

                      Now that is a little bit of my story and ways to get through it but it is hard.


                      If i knew any of the guys who raped my girl, lord help him cuz he would not walk the next day. that's if i'm feeling generous.

                      and man for you to not do that, makes you a stronger man then myself so i know you can work through this is you really want to.


                      Also can i ask you a couple questions..

                      Is your girlfriends sex drive still high?

                      and have you noticed yourself being very jealous about her and interactions with any other guy?

                      but yeah hit me up on msn and shoot us a reply with answers on this thread,

                      -Daniel
                      Last edited by CHANDLERS WISH; 12-12-2008, 03:41 AM.

                      Comment


                      • Or, don't worry about the MSN bit, cause you seem to have vanished and just come back and tell us what your thoughts are so we can provide more answers.

                        CW
                        PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                        Comment


                        • u never b able to trust er know how she can b wat about sti

                          Comment


                          • All the feelings you have are normal, its normal to think about the person you love's pas and get uncomfortable thinking about the other people they we were with, etc.. esepcially if one of them is a person you despise.

                            But if you love her, if shes a great person despite her sexual past, you can learn to change the way you feel about everything. The mind is so powerful, you can choose to make yourself miserable over the biggest and littlest things or you can choose to enjoy the person she is today, how she treats and how she makes you feel.

                            As far as mister 'shes butter and spreads easy' is concerned - GROW UP.. ffs. If shes faithful now it would be more proper to keep the sexist, judgemental and childish phrases to a more accurate "she use to be butter and spreaD easy".
                            Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.

                            Comment


                            • I second that the sexist, judgmental comments were inappropriate... one a month? That's pretty good for a lot of college girls I know who are hooking up every weekend at the clubs! But even if someone were having sex with different people even as much as once week, or even every day - who are you to make a value judgment? This is a lifestyle choice that they've made. We shouldn't judge them negatively for that or force our morals onto them. We should concern ourselves with living as best as we can according to our own morals, and let others decide for themselves what path they will follow.

                              Besides, I would agree with the other poster who stated that if she were a guy the perception surrounding her sexual activity would be completely different - she'd be given high fives and seen as a smooth, experienced player.

                              I think one issue the poster is struggling with is that his gf may see sex as something purely physical, while the poster sees sex more synonymous with love (although he was having casual, no-strings-attached sex too so he's just as guilty of it). A person's view on this issue can definitely make or break relationships if the partners don't agree on it. If you start to see her physical acts with others as 'just sex' and realize that she actually loves you (and sex is just ONE way to show your love by pleasuring them physically), all the stress and negative emotions may begin to simmer down and become more balanced.

                              Comment

                              or

                              Womens Health orange logoGet The Newsletter

                              Receive our passionately crafted, medically reviewed articles and insights — the stuff nobody else talks about but you want to know — delivered right to your inbox.

                              Latest Activity On Our Forums

                              Collapse

                              Latest Topics On Our Forums

                              Collapse

                              Working...
                              X