[veronica2009]

Hi, this is my first time posting.
I have been in a relationship with my sons father for 7 years. Well at least I thought I was. Well Just recently he tells me that we were never in a relationship, that we are just friends with benefits. Last week, I ask him if he was talking to someone else. Although he says that we are just friends, he was having sex with me every chance he got. So today, I went over to his house to drop off my son. At first, he did not answer the door. Then his daughter came and let me in. Ok, I knock on his room door and he wont answer it. The first thing that came to mind is that he has another woman in there, but i didnt want to jump to conclusions. Ok, so he finally comes out and i ask who is inside the room, he acts dumbfounded. He tells me that i said that we are not together, but I never told him anything like this. I feel so hurt, used, and dumb. I kept allowing him to hurt me even though i had my doubts about him. I gave this man my all. i never thought he would hurt me like this. right now i hate to even look him. It hurts so badly because just on Christmas Eve, he told me tht he wanted me and my son to stay over his house for christmas. And we even made love on that night, i feel so stupid right now. i know i deserve better than this.

i really need some advice. please

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi Veronica.

7 years is a long time to still be around your baby's Father, but not live with him...

I am sorry that you have gone through this, but you may have thought that things were ok, but not really seen that you two aren't living together, so therefore, it's a bit more casual perhaps than you anticipated, or believed.

I am going to say, you are young, deserve to find a "real" partner to have in your life and that of your Sons and to quit giving any sex to this man, let alone be involved.

He is your baby's father and that's it... There is no respect there and chances are he has been in many forms of relationships over those 7 years, you haven't been living together to know...

You deserve better... Time to let go sweet.

CW

[veronica2009]

Thanks for your advice, Chandler. Well actually we were priviously living together.We began living together in 2003. But as of august, i decided to move out because we werent getting along. When i made plans to move out, he act liked he lost his best friend. Then a few days before i moved out, we said that we would get back together. My name is still on the lease for his apartment. i am thinking about taking it off. but im afraid to mess up my credit like that.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Mmmm.

Maybe then he is just hurt that you moved out and is messing with your mind, by saying "friends with benefits"... do you think?

Maybe there was no one in his room, rather he was trying to make you think so, same for the comment.... do you think?

CW

[veronica2009]

Well i hope he was only messing with my mind. But he nevers sleeps in his room. He came out of his room, and when i went back to the room, the door was locked. If no one was in his room, why would he lock the door behind him. He is so dirty. He calls me today trying to make small talk. I dont have time for his games. I ask him if he was calling to ask abt his son or talk to him. he thinks this is all a joke.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

If he thinks this is all a joke, I am betting that he saw you coming, and has nothing to hide and that he is in fact messing...

Hard to say, seeing as he won't tell you, but just on the way you've described it all.

CW

[sourpuss]

How Could He Treat me this way????.

The short answer to this question is...Because you allow him to.

Imagine if your best girlfriend was in your position right now. I know if you were a close friend of mine, I'd be telling you to cut every tie possible. If after 7 years and one child someone can say all you ever were was sex buddies....um, you have a problem. As long as you give in and have sex with him why should he do anything different. If he says you aren't together and it's just sex, it's just that. He's justified in his mind that he doesn't have to be faithful or respect you, so don't expect him to. You haven't given yourself any boundaries on how you want to be treated and so he's determined what those boundaries are.

If it was me, I'd draw the line at the fact that he is your child's father and nothing more. The damage is already done, you've basically (in not so many words) told him that he can be single, be with whomever he chooses and still have you waiting for him on any given day that he wants a piece.

If you think there's a chance of working it out then I would lay out for him exactly what you want in the situation and be ready to stick to your guns. If you want to be his girlfriend exclusively, etc...you need to be prepared to stand up and walk out if he can't make that sacrifice.

In the mean time, you should really get your name off the lease! As long as your name is on that paper you are responsible for anything that happens there. He could stop paying rent or damage the place. Besides, he made the choice to be a single guy, single guys don't get to have the mother of their kid waiting in the wings when they want sex or helping them with their housing situation. He's got to take the good with the bad, and at this point you're enabling him to just have the good with the good at your expense.

[Guest]

the first part of the story i would had said that there may have been someone involved.

then your second part says you moved out. so i sort of agree with saying friends with benefits to a point.

you left, and yes he did lose his best friend.
if you live with someone and arent married, you are pretty much best frineds, especially dating them.
reason for not letting you in his room, well its his room now, not both of yours.
you thought he might had someone there, does it matter, you left him, remember?

he calls you and you accuse him of games. hello, he tried to contact you and we dont know the conversation but he tried. so why is it a game to you. maybe your playing the game in his eyes?

from the first time you posted i would had agreed with you for alot of reasons, but the more you write, i am on his side as of right now because you reviel more and more of things that are on his side. if you left him why are you so worried and asking why he treats you like this.
chances are you arent all that innocent either.

first thing you have to do is talk to him. talk about it all. and figure if your going to get back with him or not.
second thing is your going to have to remain in contact with him about the child you have together. whatever you do is your choice as well as his, but be their for the child and be civil for the child. this i know you know, so the child comes from first for the most part.

look its either going to work for you both or not. you had reasons to leave. and you didnt say what it was. so yes i bet he feel jaded and doesnt know how to act/talk around you anymore. you already said you thought he had someone over, why think that in the first place, and did you argue about it? where their problems of cheating at one point, and if so by who?

alot of times when someone leaves their partner, its usually b/c they met someone else. now i am not saying you did that but not many leave just to leave. there is always a reason, so what was yours?

so far you asking a question that isnt valid yet. all you really said in short was you dated a guy for 7 yrs, had a child, slept over his house before christmas, and now you cant stand him.
you never mentioned why you split up, just said he was playing a game trying to call you.
you have to inform us more to get a real answer.

[veronica2009]

Thanks for the replies...But i am a little upset by reading the last post. Just to let u know, Back in July, my ex and I were going through more problems than a little. I dont know if it was because I wanted more from the relationship and he just couldnt commit to me after all these years. But we were simply just not getting along. So I got fed up and told him I was moving out, me and my son. i began looking for another apartment and I felt that he didnt take me serious until i actually put down the deposit. well he has a way with words. and i always fall for it. but he said he didnt want me to leave, and that he dont want to lose me. So we got back together, even though we were living in seperated households. He stayed over all the time for the first couple of months, then he just stopped coming over. But we were still a couple, at least i thought I was. Yes I might of moved out, but he told me then that we will get past this, and we got back together. I think the part that hurts me the most is that since that Christmas, he has not try to come see his son or ask me how is his child is doing. I dont think I want to get back with him. There is going to have to be a whole lot of trying on his part. I never thought this man would ever cheated on me. and also about when he called yesterday, it wasnt to talk to me. the only thing he said to me was if i had a new phone???? then he says congrats and starts laughing. thats why i think he is just playing games. then he calls back 2 hours later and hangs up when I answer the phone. i think that is so high school.