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Don't know how to date :(

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  • Don't know how to date :(

    I'm a freshman in college who comes from a very conservative family. My parents are overprotective and I have never been allowed to date. Regardless, I have always been open to breaking this rule if I found the right person. I mean, as much as I love and respect my parents, they come from a different culture that merely does not accept romance before marriage. I, as an individual separate of my parents, value the physical and emotional connection that comes with being in a relationship and want to take in this experience. Quite frankly, I'm also just very lonely. I hate always being on the sideline in terms of romance.

    Through the years, my dating life has really just sucked. I've had guys approach me, but I have never been attracted to them back. Finally, this year, I let go of some of the shyness that has held me back from approaching guys romantically. There was this guy in one of my classes who I was attracted to (a senior). He added me as a friend on Facebook and and we started talking. I mustered up the courage to ask him if he wanted to hang out some time. We did hang out for like an hour and it was fun getting to know him. But it was the day before I had to leave for winter break so there wasn't much more we could do face-to-face. We kept in touch a little over break (some flirt texting, etc.) and on Christmas he told me he was attracted to me and that we would hang out some more after we both got back.

    It's been about a week since we came back and we've talked a little. Day before yesterday, we had a very intimate conversation on the phone and I told him my situation about having no experience. He was cool with this and we're on the same page in terms of what we want. He and I would both like to get to know each other and maybe work it up to being a relationship. We're both very physical people and wouldn't mind getting mildly touchy even before being in a relationship. We set boundaries and everything over the phone. And then we made a plan to meet up the next day (yesterday). He said he would call when he was done with his work.

    Well...HE HASN'T CALLED! I know nothing is serious yet and our attraction to each right now is mostly physical. But I want it to be so much more! I don't know how the dating scene works, as people always tell me I should be open to meeting more than one person at a time. But I can't stop thinking of him. He will be returning next year as a fifth year student so time is not an issue. I want to feel pursued by him, but I feel like he has no expectations for this to go further.

    Do most people take dating with a grain of salt? Is it really just such a big deal to me only because this is my first time? Should he have called?

    Arghh... so lost!

  • Guys do stuff like that. Drives you nuts, hurts your feelings, they just don't get it. There may be a good reason, he could be in a coma or something. More likely he just spaced it out. Some of them out grow it as they get older and some never do. If you love them, you over look it.

    John Grey's book, Mars and Venus on a Date, may help. Any rate reading it wouldn't hurt.

    Comment


    • I don't think you should set boundrys and discuss intimacy, before you have even been on a few dates together.

      What you have done is told him outright, what you want, what you are and what you are not and how it's going to be.. He has agreed, but the thing is you placed pressure for one onto him, as he knows the cards as they are falling and secondly, you've provided him with no "interest" will she or won't she go out with me, he knows it all.

      Nothing at all wrong with how your thinking, I am purely suggesting that you keep those cards to your chest, and discuss those things after you've been on a few dates with a guy you like that you want to form a relationship with.

      He's a guy whom has showed you interest and let you know that he wanted to see you after Christmas and your excited... But, telling him, all that will and won't happen, how and why, well... turn it around and see how you would be thinking.....

      Don't call, leave it for a week, maybe flirt then a bit on facebook.

      If you let a guy feel he has no competition, he doesn't have to whoo you how is he going to do so?

      CW
      PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

      Comment


      • Thank you for your replies. They are greatly appreciated. CW, I think it is very interesting that you mentioned "playing my cards" because I know I do this. In fact, many of my friends have told me this is a major drawback I have in terms of getting serious with another person. However, in this case, I tried firmly to hold back fomr letting him know everything. I simply told him my background and how this was all new to me. HE was the one who suggested we set boundaries, as he didn't want me to unintentionally get hurt if things got too far.

        I feel that a big flaw he possesses is idleness. He is not a go getter and would rather "just chill." He wants things to run their natural course. I agree with him that our relationship shouldn't be pushed in an unnatural direction for the sake of giving ourselves the title "boyfriend and girlfriend." But what to do when he says he wants to get to know me more, and doesn't invest the time to do so?


        I don't know. I simply feel that him and I are on seperate planes in terms of how fast we want this to go and how to go about establishing something. I'm not demanding. I understand we're in college and things like finances, time, and energy are limited. But I spend a large amount of time thinking about this. I don't feel he does the same.

        So is it just me being naive about how to get romantically involved with someone?

        Comment


        • I simply told him my background and how this was all new to me. HE was the one who suggested we set boundaries, as he didn't want me to unintentionally get hurt if things got too far.

          Well, if he can't be bothered contacting you, he is the one that set boundries, ( as not to hurt you), sounds like his interest may be more on a "sexual" basis, rather than "getting to know you".

          So, i don't think you are nieve, rather sensible in the way you are thinking.....

          I would ignore him then, see if he comes to you and definately, definately not "give" so to speak, and see where it goes.

          CW
          PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

          Comment


          • [b]Guys do stuff like that[/v].
            nothing like steriotyping. should have wrote everyone does stuff like that.

            OP, you mentioned about a difference from your parents views. thats all in good. its the generation difference anyway.
            RULE 1: is there is no rule of dating.
            take it as it goes. don't rush it will happen sooner or later. yo already started talking to him and met once. you can try to more and dont give up yet.

            you asked, Do most people take dating with a grain of salt? alot of people do. but their are the ones who don't. for those who do it works for them and they are possibly dating regularly with different people. who knows exactly?
            your also young and seeing you hadnt alot of expirience from what i gather, it will come to you. and when your older you might change your thoughts one day on a few things of how you r thinking today.
            give it time, relax a bit. its new, let it develope.

            Comment


            • [QUOTE=JWB_pof;72577][b]Guys do stuff like that[/v].
              nothing like steriotyping. should have wrote everyone does stuff like that.

              QUOTE]

              You are right. I come from a generation where men took the initiative, at least at the start of the relationship. I understand it is more equitable now and yes girls will fail to call or return calls and all the rest. Cutting someone off without explaination, regardless of the relationship or gender is rude.

              Comment


              • CW
                What you have done is told him outright what you are and what you are not
                rkm2008

                I simply told him my background and how this was all new to me. HE was the one who suggested we set boundaries
                ,

                You tell a guy, that you are not easy... You are saying I am insecure so I am telling you and in addition, "I am after a relationship"not a one night stand...

                And , so, he has set, boundries..... "you can't get hurt", he has "told it" how it's going to be... "whoa.... i don't want a relationship, I don't even know you?"

                See how that is?

                Where as a Woman whom knows what she is after, makes her decision on lots of reasons, not just "lust", has "confidence" and doesn't "need" to tell a guy " how you are", "what you are not"..

                You don't create a challenge.

                You scare them off.

                You make them think you may cling.

                etc. etc.

                Can you see that?

                Not your intentions but can you see that in your mind?

                CW
                PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                Comment


                • Man that sounded harsh, not at all, was thinking deeply...

                  Be proud of who you are.

                  I guess I am saying you can "show" that, without words, so don't tell first...They are your believes, your reality, you.... You don't have to show who you are verbally, you can do that physically, make them curious and see they can't instead of telling them.. Is what I am trying to say.


                  CW
                  PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                  Comment


                  • I want to once again thank all of you for your responses. Update on this situation:

                    So basically, he has called/texted/Facebooked on and off this past month. We have not hung out at all since that first night, although we may randomly see each other around campus and exchange hellos. My friends and I have officially labeled this a "he's just not that into you" situation. I still do like him a lot and I think he may still be attracted to me, but I suppose being with a girl is not a priority to him at this point in his life. And every time we come in contact, I feel like I have nothing to say to him as I have not gotten to know him as I wished I would. Maybe someday!

                    This situation has taught me a lot, and it's funny how much one can grow in a month. I guess I did go a little irrationally FEMALE on him that night on the phone (a guy friend of mine puts it that way). But regardless of my tendency to be honest about myself, I have come to except that this is who I am, take it or leave it. Hopefully someone out there doesn't find this to be as offsetting a trait as say, bad breath

                    This leads me to another issue I encountered. I have been lucky this first year in college to have found a wonderful set of friends. And among them, many of the guys have been very insightful in the advice they have given me. However, one thing always bothers me that they say. I ask, "What kind of a girl does the average guy look for?" Their responses are always so far-fetched to me! They always respond with things like "A girl who doesn't freak out", "A girl who will talk to me about things that are bothering her rather than her girl friends", "A girl who stays chill and doesn't let little things bother her", etc.

                    Now, I am a firm believer in the strength of femininity but I know sooooo many girls who freak out and talk to their friends about everything and let the little things get to them. Many of these girls play it off in front of a guy as though they are cool, and relaxed about everything, and couldn't have a care in the world. But then they come back to their close friends and rant about how insecure they feel in their relationship.

                    My approach is to be honest and be who I am. I do freak out, and talk to my girlfriends, and let little things get to me. But you know what? I'm not stupid. I try my best not to be irrational and try to sort out in my mind why I feel the way I do. I try to shut down feelings that I know shouldn't be in my head and try not to overwhelm a guy with everything on my mind. Why can't most guys just accept that? Why does everything have to be a game?

                    Comment


                    • CW, you make a strong point in saying basically that guys enjoy the chasing and don't like to rush into things and that it's better for them to discover who you are by the way you act than by what you say. And for the future, I will definitely SHOW a guy I'm not easy rather than tell him.

                      Thank you for that bit of advice :-)

                      Comment


                      • hunny,

                        why do you want to get into somethign "serious" so quickly? I mean, reading your relative lack of experience - shouldn't you be enjoying your youth, "playing the field" etc?

                        Now i know this isn't how you were brought up, and social conditioning is a big deal. But really, most college age guys wanna have lots of sex, and no girlfriends.


                        Anyway, how about dating several guys? Or just enjoying the thrill of the physical stuff alone without the demands of commitment?

                        Of course, such things are always difficult to sustain over a long period and at some point you're gonna want the whole "love thang", but until u get to that point, why not explore and experiment with guys without the baggage?

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by rkm2008 View Post

                          My approach is to be honest and be who I am. I do freak out, and talk to my girlfriends, and let little things get to me. But you know what? I'm not stupid. I try my best not to be irrational and try to sort out in my mind why I feel the way I do. I try to shut down feelings that I know shouldn't be in my head and try not to overwhelm a guy with everything on my mind. Why can't most guys just accept that? Why does everything have to be a game?

                          Awww, don't listen to your nerd friends, the emotional volatility is what i love about girls. U know, being the archetypal Brandoesque male that i am its the feminine polarity that's sooo attractive.

                          Don't second guess your emotions, their valid and real and you have the right to address them. I know you're young and inexperienced, but i think a lot of your issues could be dealt with if you had more faith in yourself.

                          Comment


                          • I have considered this before Wildflower. And to some extent I do want what you're saying. Yes, I believe deep down, most people want to find the person that truly completes them, but in the mean time why not have fun?

                            A lot of my girlfriends who are in similar boats as me have contemplated the same thing. Let's just all go out, get drunk, hook-up with someone (not for sex, but harmless fun), keep each other safe, come back, and have a good laugh trying to remember the guy's face.

                            I'm down. Maybe it'll happen and it'll add some physical experience to my empty record. But then what? You do it again and again... and then? This cycle might be something that cuts it for some people but I don't think that's the lifestyle I'm shooting for. A couple of nights of harmless fun just messing around, I know from observation, is not a means to satisfaction in the long run.

                            With this guy that I was (maybe still am) talking to, I'm not looking for anything so completely serious and committed that he would have been my soul-mate and we would have gotten married and lived happily ever after. Ew!

                            I like to take things as they come, be lighthearted, and have good time. But I am a very meaningful person. I care, and I'd like to have someone to care for and who may just care back. This doesn't mean find the person who I will get "serious" with. Just have an especially close, wonderful friend.

                            I know that most guys in college are just out to get laid. That's cool, whatever makes you happy. But to say that EVERYONE is just in it for the orgie is a bit of an overstatement. Because I do see people who find themselves in meaningful situations. And, okay, woe is me, I don't have that... I don't want to be (and am not!) just another single girl moping around watching soppy love films eating tubs of ice cream. I want to and am willing to put myself out there, meet new people, push away the shy me, be fun but dignified, and be who I am.

                            But how do you take it to the next level without these effing games!?

                            Comes down to luck, I feel.

                            Comment


                            • Originally posted by rkm2008 View Post
                              I have considered this before Wildflower. And to some extent I do want what you're saying. Yes, I believe deep down, most people want to find the person that truly completes them, but in the mean time why not have fun?

                              A lot of my girlfriends who are in similar boats as me have contemplated the same thing. Let's just all go out, get drunk, hook-up with someone (not for sex, but harmless fun), keep each other safe, come back, and have a good laugh trying to remember the guy's face.

                              I'm down. Maybe it'll happen and it'll add some physical experience to my empty record. But then what? You do it again and again... and then? This cycle might be something that cuts it for some people but I don't think that's the lifestyle I'm shooting for. A couple of nights of harmless fun just messing around, I know from observation, is not a means to satisfaction in the long run.

                              With this guy that I was (maybe still am) talking to, I'm not looking for anything so completely serious and committed that he would have been my soul-mate and we would have gotten married and lived happily ever after. Ew!

                              I like to take things as they come, be lighthearted, and have good time. But I am a very meaningful person. I care, and I'd like to have someone to care for and who may just care back. This doesn't mean find the person who I will get "serious" with. Just have an especially close, wonderful friend.

                              I know that most guys in college are just out to get laid. That's cool, whatever makes you happy. But to say that EVERYONE is just in it for the orgie is a bit of an overstatement. Because I do see people who find themselves in meaningful situations. And, okay, woe is me, I don't have that... I don't want to be (and am not!) just another single girl moping around watching soppy love films eating tubs of ice cream. I want to and am willing to put myself out there, meet new people, push away the shy me, be fun but dignified, and be who I am.

                              But how do you take it to the next level without these effing games!?

                              Comes down to luck, I feel.
                              I really identify with you. I didn't date much at all in high school, aside from a 3 month stint in senior year that was admittedly pretty pleasant even though it didn't really go anywhere. It wasn't because of conservative parents, they were ecstatic in fact when I did finally start dating that guy, but because I was painfully shy. Besides that, I went to a tiny school, so most of the guys there felt like family, and honestly weren't particularly attractive physically or personality-wise.

                              College didn't improve matters, as I went to an all-women's school. Didn't really bother me at the time. I very briefly dated a guy during my first year, but he turned out to be a bit of a jerk and it died almost before it began. Then there was nothing more than occasional flirtations until last May, more than four years after my last attempt at dating. I ended up having what I thought was a one-night stand at my sister's wedding. (Yeah, classy, I know.) He was 9 years older than me and a friend of both my sister and her husband. But after I got back from the wedding (it was in Texas, and I was living in Tennessee at the time), he called me and we talked on the phone for hours. He lived about 4 hours away, and we ended up having a long-distance summer fling, seeing each other every few weeks. I think I was actually incredibly lucky. He was intelligent, passionate, extremely sexy, and incredibly honest. We knew from the get-go that our relationship was not a long-term thing. I was moving much further away in the fall, and he was actually moving to China about the same time. I think it was the perfect thing to get me into the swing of dating. No commitments, honest commmunication, a gorgeous sweet guy, and we saw each other enough to form a connection, but not so much that it broke me heart when we had to say good-bye. That is a one-night stand I definitely don't regret, even though I never thought I had it in me to have a one-night stand. It was exhilarating to throw caution to the wind, and I ended up getting an awesome mini relationship out of the bargain.

                              Roll around to the fall, I had moved out west to start grad school, and decided I wanted a way to get to know people outside of my classmates. Not being a bar-hopping type, and being at somewhat of a loss for better ideas, I put a profile on a dating website. I met a handful of guys, nothing special, briefly got caught up with one who had a lot going for him, but was similar to your situation in that he was never really clear on what he wanted, it felt like he was indeed just playing games.

                              I quickly extricated myself from that mess when I met my current partner (yes, met through the dating website). We have been dating for about 3 and a half months now, and I am happier than I ever have been. I think it is because he is so very good at expressing what he wants and feels, and makes me completely comfortable in doing the same. I agree, the games are awful and nerve-racking. If you can find someone who doesn't play them, who is straight-forward and compassionate and loving, then that is the best thing. Then again, I think my man is a rare breed, there aren't a lot of guys out there as amazing as he is.

                              When we first started dating, I told him that I had not dated much at all in my life, and that he should tell me if there was anything I should know about the ropes of dating. He just smiled and said I was doing a million times better than anyone he had ever dated before, and he has been in a fair number of relationships. So don't let lack of experience hold you back. Listen to your feelings and instincts, and I'm sure you'll find "dating" to be not so hard at all, especially of you find the right guy.

                              PS. Sorry for the long-winded reply, I might've gotten a little carried away, LOL.

                              Comment

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