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Why doesn't he bring up the "marriage" subject?

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  • Why doesn't he bring up the "marriage" subject?

    HI, girls, I'm new here... and I'm dealing with a probably similar problem... Me and my boyfriend, are living together foar almosta year now, we're in a relationship for 4 years already... and I made a huge decision on living my home country to live with him here, in Germany. Well... everything works great! His family here is fabulous and I'm thrilled to have the opportunity to just get perfectly along with everybody... we love each other and our relationship works great. For 3 years we were on the road all the time.... just to spend time together and nurture our relationship. It was really painful but it lead us to this point and I'm happy. I've learned the language and I'm trying to get a job. But... as nothing could be just perfect.... he has never... but NEVER talked me about getting married. I tried to bring this subject up.... just as a hint... and really diplomatic... not to regret it later... but he stumbled into words and he made his way out from that conversation... saying something that really made me thinking back then... like... "I don't know what you mean.... as I should talk about these things..." and then he made the statement that he doesn't want me to misunderstand him by any chance. He has never talked about something similat with me every since. And yesterday I was in a gathering with his mother, who by the way is a sweetheart and some other girls from the family at a cup of cofee and stuff and both his mother and the others asked me about our plans for the future.. as everybody expects us to get married soon. You know what?? I told them the truth: "As a matter of fact, he has NEVER mentioned marriage to me" ´Not even a cityhall gathering.... not mentioning a wedding... I know a wedding would be expensive.. but at least a Cityhall thing.... I mean an officialisation and later on a wedding.... So they were really surprised. Hey, I received a "friendship" ring from him 2 years ago. And I was really sad not really getting the point.. a "friendship" ring? And I asked him back then what's that? He said that couples do that regularly... but that didn't mean an engagement of any sort. Ok.... Is there anyone who'd had the time and willingness to give me a piece of advice? I have hoone to talk to.. I can't talk to friends.. as they tend to criticise me... I can't talk to my mother as she would rapidly panic... and so on... Help! and thaks, by the way for this chance to get this rock off my chest.
    Lady_K

  • Well you can't force it, but having talked to the women of his family they may start putting some pressure on him. Are you in any risk of being made to leave the country if you aren't married? Many people just don't want marriage or at least not until they have reached certain goals or a certain age. Have you talked of having a family? Is that something he wants? How old are the two of you? Have you completed your educations? If you can you should get employed and be in a position to support yourself, it will be better for both of you emotionally and for you financially.

    Comment


    • gute morgen frauline!

      Deutsch männer sind anders als amerikaner.

      a friend of mine from high school moved to germany about 30 years ago and fell in love with someone there. they have been off and on a number of times, and she still isnt married and doesnt have children. I've asked her many times if she's happy, and she has never answered the question.

      My cousin who lives in baden-baden has been divorced for 20+ years and with the same man for about the last 15 of them, and she too is unmarried. But when I ask her if she's happy, she says she is.

      now i'm not saying that will happen to you, but the mindset of german men (and women too) is a little different from here in the states.

      I guess what I am trying to say is that it's gonna depend on you coming right out and asking the question, and whether or not you can be happy with what the answer is.

      remember, you can have a marriage without being married - and married without having a marriage. neither are a preferred choice, but one is definitely better than the other.

      tschüss

      Comment


      • Originally posted by WildChild View Post
        Well you can't force it, but having talked to the women of his family they may start putting some pressure on him. Are you in any risk of being made to leave the country if you aren't married? Many people just don't want marriage or at least not until they have reached certain goals or a certain age. Have you talked of having a family? Is that something he wants? How old are the two of you? Have you completed your educations? If you can you should get employed and be in a position to support yourself, it will be better for both of you emotionally and for you financially.
        Thank you for answering this fast! No, I'm not threatened of leaving the country unless he marries me.You're right! This is true.. I couldn't write from the very begining every aspect about me... So... I'm 25... I'm not from the USA... but from Europe also... Both me and my boyfriend are originary from the same country... the only difference is that he has a second nationality... the german one.. and he moved to Germany with his family in his teenage years... there is an age difference between us... as he's just turned 39. This doesn't troubles me at all... as we share many things which kept us close together during these past 4 years. I just finished the University back home and in February I am going to get my "Diplom"... my License. My priority... beside clarifying my status is getting a job. I have always earned my living but thing got a bit tougher over here at first. So wish me luck getting a job and getting back on track earning money and my independence. I appreciate your feed-back and hope to hear from you soon.
        Lady_K

        Comment


        • Originally posted by N01 View Post
          gute morgen frauline!

          Deutsch männer sind anders als amerikaner.

          a friend of mine from high school moved to germany about 30 years ago and fell in love with someone there. they have been off and on a number of times, and she still isnt married and doesnt have children. I've asked her many times if she's happy, and she has never answered the question.

          My cousin who lives in baden-baden has been divorced for 20+ years and with the same man for about the last 15 of them, and she too is unmarried. But when I ask her if she's happy, she says she is.

          now i'm not saying that will happen to you, but the mindset of german men (and women too) is a little different from here in the states.

          I guess what I am trying to say is that it's gonna depend on you coming right out and asking the question, and whether or not you can be happy with what the answer is.

          remember, you can have a marriage without being married - and married without having a marriage. neither are a preferred choice, but one is definitely better than the other.

          tschüss
          Hallo!! Und vielen Dank für die Antwort! Du hast Recht! Aber ich habe nicht alles über mich geschrieben...

          I didn't get the chance to mention everything about me.... so.. Both me and my boyfriend, are originary from the same european country.... The only difference is that he has a second nationality.. as a german and he moved to Germany with his family as he was a teenager.

          You're perfectly right! "you can have a marriage without being married - and married without having a marriage" and I really appreciate your answer. I don't know what I'm going to do ... but for sure, while I'm going to have my final exam at the University back home... his mother is going to nag him... I'm not happy about that but it sure will help. Everybody, including myself... is waiting for an officialisation...

          It's only natural to be afraid putting the wrong question in order to clarify my dillema as I would'n like later on to feel the only responsible for getting married. But I feel somewhat insecure about his intentions and it turns out that everybody from this family is. I would have enjoyed it better when he'd at least mentioned that to me.

          Ich freue mich sehr dass du mich beantwortet hast. Bis bald!
          Lady_K

          Comment


          • Haben Sie zwei andere gespräche, die sich unwohl?

            one of the biggest problems couples (married and unmarried) have is not having real communications. Yeah they "talk", but not much is really discussed because either people don't want to hurt each others feelings - so a lot goes unsaid, or they are too busy trying to get their point across that they aren't listening to the other person.

            I guess what I am trying to say is that if you and your boyfriend can't have a "hard" conversation now about something as important as where your relationship is going, how sure can you be that you'll be able to about things like finances, where to live, disciplining children, etc., later if/when you get married?

            Lassen sie sich nicht von seiner familie druck ihn! er möchte, dass dü entweder für den rechten grund, oder ...

            Comment


            • Hallo, wieder!

              You're perfectly right! Allow me to say a sinceer "thank you" for talking to me and for listening to a strangers' issues. I love him like I never thought I'd be able to love a man. He loves me also, as he makes me feel this way.... and yes, we've got "unconfortable" dealing with sensitive topics in our discussions.. as our relationship was several times put to the test but somehow.... we managed our way through. I like to say that this is because we interacted very well. And we really did. There is nothing I couldn't discuss with him, except this marriage topic. I want to get married to him as he's the love of my life... and I even told him there's something on my chest but unfortunately he doesn't help me confess. He was a bit disappointed that I feel this way... unable to open up...

              And at this point I couldn't say anything more about that, as tomorrow I'm flying back home as in a couple of weeks I'm having my final exam at the University. So I wouldn't be able to leave it in thin air... and then just leave. So I intend having that awkward discussion with him... and tomorrow morning his mother will drop by and I'm going to sincerely ask her not to bring this topic up to him... as I really don't want him to take any "under pressure" decisions.. as you also suggested....

              And... I wouldn't feel any satisfaction in bringing this topic up and then he'd marry me just because I asked him what's he waiting for?? I'm in a dillema as I wish I had the patience to wait and see when is he going to say anything. A three week break might do the trick, who knows? I could find the proper words to open up.... so that I woudn't regret it later... and he would have that chance to miss me . I probably sound childish and confused. I hope for the beat....

              Thank you very much for your feed-backs. It turns that you're the only one whom I can talk to and it's something incredible when I think about that... Keep in touch,
              Lady_K

              Comment


              • fragst, was er sieht Ihre beziehung in drei Jahren? sieht er es ändern?

                does he see it staying the same as it is or moving forward?

                Viel Glück auf deine prüfungen! Ich weiß, du tün gut.

                Comment


                • Ich werde ihn das fragen. Das ist eine gute Idee. Und jetzt, bin ich darauf gespannt.

                  Hopefully, he does see us the same I see us.... You know? I'm not that type who only wants to get married and have children... I might seem somewhat idealistic, but I enjoy that life in two as a great start .. I want to revive my career.... And for that I should be more patient... which I'm not, unfortunatelly. Afterwards I'd consider children and the other things which come along.

                  Danke und pass auf dich auf! We'll stay in touch as I'm truly enjoying this.
                  Lady_K

                  Comment


                  • tschüss mein schatz.

                    Comment


                    • Hallo,

                      Erinnerst du dich an mich? Ich habe die Abschluss Prüfung mit Note 1- bestanden und ich freue mich sehr darüber.

                      Now I can chill and enjoy my time with my parents before my trip back to Germany. How are you? How have you been lately?

                      Have a great day!! Tschüss!!!
                      Lady_K

                      Comment

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