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How to tell someone you're not interested.....

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  • How to tell someone you're not interested.....

    Help! I'm really not good at this. Ok, this is kind of a long story so bare with me here.

    There is a guy (John) at the fitness club who is often there at the same time as me. He's pretty friendly with the guy who works the front desk who also happens to be A: a very good friend of mine, B: a team mate of mine in the boxing club C: someone I used to date. John knows all three of those things.

    Anyway, the three of us often chat when we all happen to be there at the same time. He used to kickbox, so we talk boxing most of the time. Well, this summer I went to Guatemala for a vacation and when I came back he kept saying "Oh sometime soon we need to go grab a beer, I want to hear all about Guate" He always said this in front of my friend/boyfriend/complictedness guy, so I assumed he just meant it as just a beer and to chat about my trip. So I always said, "Yeah sure, sounds cool." and left it at that.

    Well just before Christmas my friend left for two weeks so I was usually at the gym by myself. Same small talk etc but one day he came out to my car as I was leaving and totally put me on the spot and said, "Hey just give me your number and I'll call you so we can go get a beer" I HATE that. I hate being on the spot and I hate confrontation, so I gave it to him. He called, that night I think and left a message. It was right before Christmas so I ignored it and didn't call back. I ran into him at the store a week later with a friend of mine and he asked me out for a beer again right in front of her so I didn't feel like I could say no, not interested. I gave the usual, yeah after the holidays calm down I'll give you a call. Then he cornered us in the parking lot and asked again!

    Sorry, this is getting really long. Anyway, I didn't like that he was trying to make it seem like it was only friendly and not like a date. I never know what to say because I don't want to assume he's asking me on a date, turn him down and then have him use that and be defensive and turn it around. I've actually had that happen where I said I only was interested in being friends and the guy threw it in my face that he wasn't asking 'as in a date' when he clearly was.

    Sooo, sorry, this is long. Yesterday I went to the gym, (under the advice from my ex that John was out of town and it was safe to go there) I hop on the treadmill and put my headphones on and BAM! here he is out of no where leaning up against the treadmill! The room is very small mind you and there are several people there working out and he blurts out loudly "So do you want to go have a beer with me? Are you interested?" What the am I supposed to say to that?! In front of all those people. So I said, "well, I'm really busy (which is totally true) can you give me your email and when I get home I'll check when I have time this coming week."

    Well, I get a call from him today asking me to go snowboarding tomorrow!

    So do I just email him and say, "Look, I'm flattered but not interested in dating anyone at the moment" with the risk that he'll claim it's just a beer as friends. Or do I just do my usual passive-aggressive-coward route and avoid him until he goes away? haha. Which, he obviously won't because it's been two months and he's still at it.

    Help!

  • HAHA.

    Sourpuss.............Man,

    Well, you kept giving him the ok signs, and so he keeps pestering you..

    Now your in the poo....lol...

    Mmm what to do? You don't owe him anything and you certainly don't need to go to the gym walking on egg shells.

    So, email him tonight and say, goodness, with work and training and boxing, and my man, I don't have much room spare at the moment, well never mind, here it is, I'll email you how it all went

    ................
    ................
    ................

    etc, rada, rada, the....................end.


    Off course, he will approach you about "my man", but there you can say, " I beg your pardon?", that's a bit of a personal question?

    Act dumb.

    lol

    CW
    PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

    Comment


    • Yeah, it's partly my fault for sure. I just hate when I'm on the spot like that. I didn't feel like airing out my personal life and all the reasons that I can't/shouldn't be going out on a date at the moment when I'm in the middle of a work out in front of a bunch of people. Haha. But part of me suspects that he knew I couldn't really turn him down in that situation you know. Erg! Why can't normal, attractive, nice guys at the gym saunter up to the treadmill when I'm there. It's always got to be some weird-o.

      Comment


      • Um, cause you scared the good guys off? Seeing as your so good looking and in shape.......................

        He's a "stalker" really.... man, that many times in a week, etc, etc, I'd feel sick..

        Oh and for the record? I've done what you've done before haha.... We are just "too nice" don't know how to say nick offf..........
        PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

        Comment


        • Originally posted by CHANDLERS WISH View Post
          Um, cause you scared the good guys off? Seeing as your so good looking and in shape.......................
          HAHA! That MUST be it!

          Originally posted by CHANDLERS WISH View Post
          He's a "stalker" really.... man, that many times in a week, etc, etc, I'd feel sick..

          Oh and for the record? I've done what you've done before haha.... We are just "too nice" don't know how to say nick offf..........
          I know, I suppose I've sort of created this situation because I hate confrontation. In retrospect it would have been so much less confrontational to just say no the very first time.

          I'd love to sign this post with 'lesson learned' but chances are that I haven't. Haha. Stubborn me.

          Comment


          • I actually think a polite rejection can be OK. "I'm sorry, you're a a really nice guy but my life is too messed up at the moment to get involved with anyone".

            Or "I'm sorry, I'm already involved with someone".

            Or "I'm sorry, but I'm gay".

            I think anything is OK as long as it is polite, and doesn't make it the fault of the person who asked. Basically try to get across that you think he is an ok person and that under other circumstances you might consider it (true or not), but definitely not now.

            Comment


            • Rcoreyus is right keep it light and polite. A simple "I'm sorry, I have so much going on right now, I really can't".
              You really haven't said why you aren't willing to simply have a drink with this guy, He's persistant, nothing wrong with that, you do know something of him having been around him casually for a while. What's wrong with a friendly chat and a drink? It would be in a public place and no need for it to go any further. Maybe get a couple other people to come along - make it a group?

              Comment


              • Yeah I would have to agree - why not make it a group thing? Go with the complicated guy or something and spend more time paying attention to the others that are there instead of him. Hopefully that would send the message that you're not interested - but he seems kind of oblivious to have not gotten the numerous hints by now, lol.

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                • Another idea: in the midst of your next conversation with him, you could look for an attractive guy in the room and suddenly blurt out, "dang that guy is so hot! Sorry, what were you saying?" Or talk about how you have a hot date tonight, or whatever - more hints that you're not interested and unavailable.

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by WildChild View Post
                    Rcoreyus is right keep it light and polite. A simple "I'm sorry, I have so much going on right now, I really can't".
                    You really haven't said why you aren't willing to simply have a drink with this guy, He's persistant, nothing wrong with that, you do know something of him having been around him casually for a while. What's wrong with a friendly chat and a drink? It would be in a public place and no need for it to go any further. Maybe get a couple other people to come along - make it a group?
                    I actually considered this at first. When he was going on about how he wanted to hear about Guatemala, I thought I'd go out with him and my friend I went to Guatemala with, because I really did think that he meant it just casually. But after a few more times of asking me I got the picture that he meant as like a date and then the pushiness turned me off.

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                    • Ahh..been there done that. It's SOOO hard to reject people like that..especially when they're being vague with their intentions. It's like, you KNOW he's not just wanting to be your friend. How many people do you just approach in the gym and ask them to go out because you want to be their friend? Ehhh....not many for me. My thoughts...sometimes when guys are being vague in order to get what they want, you need to be respectfully blunt. Don't shoot him back with some vague answer "I've just got so much going on right now..."....because then he keeps hope...and he may very well approach you again in a month and say "can we go out now?" or perhaps see you out with friends "oh, I thought you were too busy to go out with friends" type thing.

                      I'd be honest...teach this man to be honest by giving him honesty (i.e. you're smarter than to think he continously approaches you in this way JUST to be your friend...) so tell him... "I'm really just not interested in doing this.." if he questions you, answer.....be honest. If he says "I just wanted to grab a beer as friends"....reply "None of my friends have ever approached me like this....and this situation lends itself to something I truly don't want from you." U don't have to say it exactly like that.....but shoot, don't be afraid to speak for what you want and for what you don't want. You can do it in a nice respectful way.....and then maybe you two can casually speak without being on eggshells at the gym!! :-)
                      "Be what you're looking for."

                      Comment


                      • BD, you are a wise woman. I shall try this, even though it scares the bejeezees out of me to be confrontational like that.

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                        • i've had to do this a few times so after the first i have learned to say "i'm sorry, but i am not interested in going to get a beer with you." and if he presses the issue, tell him that you don't have to give him a reason. try to be honest the first time with telling him your not interested. even if he corners you in public. honestly, if he corners you in public just say no and then he would be the one making the scene and not you.

                          Comment


                          • Its a terrible feeling to have to hurt someone elses feelings simply because "ur just not that into them"... Which makes us lie about what we are doing when and why... I am the same way... to blow someone off is hard, but it ultimately has to be done, exspecially when they are so darn flippin persistant. What makes it so hard to say you are not interested? Fear of what? They may not like me anymore? Im mean or a bad person? We as humans dont like it when someone doesnt like us, so we cant be honest with our words in fear of the other person offended.... means your a good person.
                            Bubbles

                            Comment


                            • I emailed him and apologized for giving the impression that I may have been interested and added that he put me on the spot and didn't feel comfortable discussing it at the gym in front of people. He was cool about it...but added that he was 'safe' which leads me to think that he's been told before that he's too pushy.

                              But I feel 1000x better now that I have that off my chest.

                              Comment

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