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Should a woman be weary of her boyfriends friends who are women?

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  • Should a woman be weary of her boyfriends friends who are women?

    Hi, guys I am new to the program. My question is, should I be weary of my boyfriends friends? He seems to have a lot of friends who are women and that worries me. Just recently we went down memory lane and he was more open with me about his past relationships. Anyway, he has had a best friend whom he grew up with and stayed close with for years, but later on he and she decided to get intimate and ended up with a child. He said that they never really had a "committed" relationship. Once they began to become intimate, it was just based on whether or not they were in their own "boyfriend and girlfriend" relationship. For example, if they weren't seeing anybody, they would "hook" up. Well he said that she is similar to me in that she thinks too much; well he didn't really say that she was similar to me, but he said that she thinks too much and worries about things and I could tell by the looks in his eyes he wanted to say like "you" (plus he has told me that before) so I had like me right and he agreed. My question is, out of all the girlfriends he has had, she should be the one who is less likely to worry because she should know him. I mean they have grown up together, they're born on the same day, month, year and so I would think that she would know him best of all, so why would she worry unless she knows some bad things about him when it comes to relationships? Maybe I'm over thinking things. I think we, or I know "I" have some major trust issues with this guy. As a matter of fact, I am going to post another question as well for others to answer to. I just want to know if I am doing something wrong or if my intuitions are legitimate. I've been in a relationship where I was cheated on and lied to and I promised myself that I would keep my eyes and ears open in my next relationship and there is just something not right about the guy I'm seeing. I don't know. I have confronted him over the phone and face-to-face about whether or not he is seeing someone else or sleeping with someone else and he has told me NO twice. He even took it a step further and told me as a "friend" don't worry about what your man is doing and not doing, you worry about yourself and take care of yourself. Plus if a man is cheating on you that will eventually come out". Now if he is indeed cheating and was bold enough to look me in my eyes and say something like that, he is the Biggest player of all players!

  • Hi Nikita,

    While it is important to keep your ears and eyes open, that is where it really should stop when you are in a relationship. Whether or not a person is going to cheat wont be affected by how much you hound them about it and accuse, and question. A cheating person will do it anyway and a non cheating person will grow resentful of always feeling like they are being put on trial.

    Its hard with your last experience, to trust. But if he has not given you legitimate reasons to think he is not worthy of it...then you need to find it in yourself to be brave and give yourself over to trusting him.

    When something worries you, talk about it here or with a friend, all the little voices in your head that have minor things that you want to be addressed to feel more secure, try to get those addressed from other people that can talk to you down from feeling so insecure. Save the questioning and requests for reassurance for the big things that bother you that way you don't slowly drive him away from lack of trust.

    Worrying about what hes doing away from your presense only serves to stress you out. Realize that you have no control over what decisions he makes in regards to fidelity. And find freedom in that, know that pulling your hair out won't make him stay, but could make him leave. Try to enjoy the time you guys have together instead of wasting it grilling him on other women.

    Women friends, I wouldn't like it either... but I wouldn't tell my SO not to have them or make him feel bad about them. If he was hanging out with them more then me and I was feeling unhappy in the relationship that would be something worth bringing up. But him occasionally hanging out with a female friend in a setting that is pretty normal is not something to let yourself worry on.

    Let your past be a lesson to you, but don't let it ruin your relationship.
    Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.

    Comment


    • Hopeless Dork

      Hopeless Dork,
      Thanks so much for your response. It was so heartfelt and I really appreciate you responding to my posting. What you said was similar to what my boyfriend said when he was speaking to me as a friend. He told me that I needed to enjoy the time that we have and stop worrying so much. He also stated that if I continued on that path I wouldn't be able to enjoy what we do have and that I can Sabotage our relationship. I mean he gave me examples and everything. I understood it, but for some reason it was hard to accept it coming from him, but now to hear you saying the same thing, it is really making me think.
      As a matter of fact, a similar situation or statement was mentioned on "The Game". Tasha Mack told Melanie and Kelly that she was so hard on them because she has been there and done that, she has chased men, she has slept with men, and she has been cheated on and each man has left her. Melanie and Kelly were complaining about what was going on in their relationships. One chopped off her hair and the other one was making love trays or something. She told them not to give their men that kind of power over them. It kind of reminded me of something my boyfriend said. He said that he had a girlfriend who looked through his cell phone and called each person on the list and told each person his business. Well she got to two family members and she got cursed out, but one in particularly told her, that she went about that situation in the wrong way and that she should never allow a man to see her insecurities in that way. She told the woman that she should never allow a man to have that kind of power over her. I remember a few minutes after my boyfriend and I had this conversation, I came out and told him why, I fear that he is cheating and so forth and why I worry. I told him that I was once in a relationship where I didn't care what my man did or didn't do outside my presence but turns out he was being unfaithful when he wasn't returning my calls and text and so forth. He told me that I've got to let that go and know that it was his loss. It is just so hard to trust. I know that in the beginning of our relationship I just had this overwhelming intuition that something just wasn't right, so I like, his past girlfriend, also went through his phone but I didn't call anyone. I found several text messages going back and forth with females, two in particular seemed fishy. Anyway, I actually got caught and he told me that he thought I should go. He stated that he wasn't going to confirm nor deny the text messages, but I wish he had. I didn't press it because I knew that I was wrong for going through his personal belongings and at that time we hadn't been dating for very long. He actually took me back and continued to date me, now we have been together a year come April.

      I will do exactly what you say do, when I feel like something is going on. Its like its on my mind all the time and it does stress me out. One time I was so worried about what he was doing that I got physically ill. During basketball season (he's a high school basketball coach), I wasn't hearing from him as much, he wasn't returning my calls, he would say he was this place or that place when in fact he would be at home and I mean it was just getting kind of ridiculous! I do indeed not to stop worrying. I mean he is off doing his own thing, probably not worried about what I am doing or not doing. I need to stop letting him consume my mind and just believe in what he is saying.

      Comment


      • Hello. So, you are wondering if you should be weary of your boyfriend's female friends? Personally, I think it would depend on the manners of the situation and how often he spends time with them. For instance, is it in a group setting? Or alone? Have you met any of his female friends in person? Does he ever bring you with? Are you aware if he speaks to any that were a "fling", or in a past relationship with him?

        The fact that you mention he had gone back to the same girl on the off times that he wasn't in a "committed relationship" says that he is keeping contact with one of his previously intimate "friends". This is a bad sign. It says he is keeping his options open, despite being in a relationship with someone else. If not you, the other girls he has dated.
        "don't worry about what your man is doing and not doing, you worry about yourself and take care of yourself. Plus if a man is cheating on you that will eventually come out".
        This isn't a good sign. You have every right to know "what your man is doing and not doing". Why? Because in a healthy relationship people don't have any reason to hide anything from one another! They may be ashamed of past relationships or experiences, but that shouldn't interfere with the current one, unless there is a pattern. Thinking is ok. Dwelling on insecurities and worries won't help improve anything. I understand why you are insecure about getting hurt, it's the fact that it probably feels like you aren't getting to the bottom of it and you're ignoring what your gut is saying. From what it sounds like, his actions are not completely matching up with his words. Everyone is sometimes a little insecure about things, it's a part of life, but if it seems like there are warning signs, I would suggest taking a step back to take a hard look at things. I think you should trust your intuition, it's there for a reason.

        He shouldn't get nervous that you went through his phone, he should get upset that you are looking for something to confirm your doubts because of distrust. I do agree with Hopeless Dork, to realize that you have no control over his decisions, however, you also need to be aware of him and his intentions with others, so that you can prepare and make proper decisions towards dating him or not. When starting a relationship both people should trust the other on a certain level, and only until someone makes a hurtful mistake do people begin to doubt. You say that you had bad feelings towards him when you first started dating, and you still do. What happened to make you feel this way?

        "I found several text messages going back and forth with females, two in particular seemed fishy. Anyway, I actually got caught and he told me that he thought I should go. He stated that he wasn't going to confirm nor deny the text messages, but I wish he had. I didn't press it because I knew that I was wrong for going through his personal belongings and at that time we hadn't been dating for very long. He actually took me back and continued to date me, now we have been together a year come April."
        So you are saying he dumped you for looking through his phone? That's a red flag. People shouldn't just dump someone because they make a mistake. You have every right to question him and ask about things you did find, even if what you did was wrong. Ask him direct questions, find out who the people are and what kind of "friendships" they have and have had. It's ok to be politely assertive.

        Outside of a group setting a guy and a girl can't "just be friends". There is always at least one side that wants to go further than just friends(though they may not be consciously aware of it, or they know it and they would never tell anyone). It's naturally ingrained in us to be attracted to the opposite sex. For this very reason it would be unwise to think that he isn't, at least somewhat, attracted to any of his female "friends" whatsoever. The problem isn't the fact that he has female friends, it's the fact that YOU aren't with him when he is around them.

        Lets say you guys stay together and get married in a few years. Do you think it would be alright if you hung out with other men alone without your husband? Most people would understand the natural tendencies of people and say no. If your with someone in a committed relationship why should it be any different?


        Anakko
        Anakko

        Comment


        • My BFs best friend for years was a female though I am now. But aside from me she still is. Anyone watching or listening to them is instantly aware they are just "buddies." Blunt, open, give each other , there in bad times, and the other things tried and true friends are. He moved some distance, they yak every couple weeks on the phone for an hour. She has a boyfriend. She is a nice lady and not intrusive. But I also know there is zero physical chemistry as she is very overweight, and my guy totally worships my body that is near opposite. Guess if a guy has a hottie friend (you know what he likes) and spends constant time with her, it's a "be aware" thing. But my guy never had a problem with me associating with other men (group of work people after work for early dinner, etc). But I have no male friends I hang out with, just associates. I'd rather hang with my guy.

          Comment


          • Responding to Anakko Questions

            For instance,
            is it in a group setting?
            No, I don’t think so.

            Or alone?
            I don’t know. I know that recently we were in a room together and he was asking someone on the phone when is their lunch and if they were going to bring it or were they going out and I think it was a woman he was talking to. He didn’t hide the conversation from me, so, I don’t think I should think much of it, but it still has me wondering. When he finally opens up to me about things, I have realized that he mentions women friends a lot.
            Have you met any of his female friends in person?
            I haven’t met any female friends, as a matter of fact, I haven’t met anyone of any importance to him; his children, his sister, nor his mother and father when they are in town. I even mentioned meeting his mom and dad and he said, “You know they were just here but now they are gone, I hadn’t even thought too much about you meeting them, not to be mean” He use to mention me meeting his daughter but he hasn’t anymore. When I celebrated my son’s birthday, we went to the McWane Center and I informed him that if he wanted to bring any of his children along he could. He only mentioned bringing one and said that he would check with her mother and see what they were doing. When the time came, he said that he and his daughter were going out of town. Well… the story behind that was that he was going to be going out of town with the coach later on that day to hang out with two other friends. He had said that he had thought of taking me but because of the people he was meeting were married or of age or something he decided not to, (I can’t remember) but even at that time I didn’t understand what he was saying. What was really stupid was some time later he said that he was bringing his daughter with him which made no sense. If he didn’t want me to go due to some crazy issue, why would he want a five year old to go with him. As a matter of fact, I am always trying to schedule something for us to do, but he is never available to do it. Something pops up or he’s too busy, you know its ridiculous. We have been together a year and the only places we have gone is to a few stores to find a turtle neck for him to wear for a football game he was going to be coaching at, a place he was taking a test back to, and one other place.

            Does he ever bring you with? Are you aware if he speaks to any that were a "fling", or in a past relationship with him?
            YES. Just recently, he opened up to me about some past relationships and so forth. Basically what I wrote previously when he told me that I shouldn’t worry about what my man is doing and not doing? Anyway, he told me that he had a girlfriend who went through his cell phone and called every contact he had and told them his business. He said that two people were relatives and they cursed her out. Anyway, he did say that she had called him recently. The woman whom I told you about that was his best friend, whom he grew up with and their birthdays are on the same day and they are the same age, well….they have a child together so he has to keep in touch with her. He stated that his x-wife calls him up from time to time.

            My thing is, after he was honest with me about his past relationships, I realize that his past relationships scare me. Here he has this best friend whom he has been best friends with all of his life and they become what seems to me “sex buddies”, you have another woman whom he use to “go with” and they decide to separate and some time later they meet up for lunch and things are taken to the next level (keep in mind they broke up and not only that, she was suppose to be seeing someone else, it just though happens her “man” was out of town). He has to keep up with her because they also have a child together (after that incident that is). The women whom he speaks with, I have no idea who they are. The reason I chose to check his phone is because his phone is constantly ringing and he constantly receives text messages after text messages. I remember when I looked through his phone for the first time and I saw all these text messages being sent back and forth and I decided to call one of the numbers using his phone. No one answered, but she did call back and I answered, she said, I must have a wrong number so she hung up. I started to say you have the right number, but I panicked. Anyway, she must have told him because he sent me a text or called me or something, I can’t remember, asking me if I had answered his phone. In the beginning I said no, and later I think he said that I know you answered my phone and then I confessed. He said that it was okay that I answered his phone, just don’t lie. Anyway, I decided to ask him who are all the people who are calling him and he said what are you getting at, if you have something to ask me go ahead and ask me. So I asked him who Kim was and he said, “spsh”, that’s just a friend, we’ve been friends for a while. He then went on to say, see, you got to realize that I am a father, a son, a preacher, a coach, and a friend. Anyway… I had the opportunity to look through the phone again and saw where Kim had text him, “Who the was that answering your phone, you know that I wouldn’t let you answer my phone if you were at my house, and you are my man. I think she placed a smiley face next to that, I don’t remember. Now not that long ago he mentioned a woman named Kim and how she was having problems with her X and issues with child support. Now whether or not these are the same Kim’s I don’t know. The fact of the matter is, when I first looked though his phone the text messages going back and forth aren’t messages dealing with him being a preacher, son, nor coach. All I saw were mostly text messages coming from females.

            The fact that you mention he had gone back to the same girl on the off times that he wasn't in a "committed relationship" says that he is keeping contact with one of his previously intimate "friends". This is a bad sign. It says he is keeping his options open, despite being in a relationship with someone else. If not you, the other girls he has dated.
            Responding to this, this incident happened waaaaaay before he met me, well…at least two years ago. From what I understand, he and his best friend decided that if they were NOT in a relationship with someone they would get together and go out, it was later that they decided to get intimate, but it was never a very committed relationship is what he said. He states that she didn’t want to be in a committed relationship with him because of his kids and because of what her family would think.

            "don't worry about what your man is doing and not doing, you worry about yourself and take care of yourself. Plus if a man is cheating on you that will eventually come out".
            This isn't a good sign. You have every right to know "what your man is doing and not doing".
            I agree with you. I was about to tell him that but somehow I got cut off, but my reason for knowing what he is doing is for safety reasons. If he is having sex with someone else he could be endangering my life and that’s why you should worry more so than anything else. I did find it strange for him to say such a thing especially coming from your man (even though he was speaking to me as a friend). All of it was still strange. The thing is, if he is indeed cheating and he had the nerve to tell me something like that “point blank” in my face, you are talking about a “player of all players”.

            What happened to make you feel as if something was wrong?
            Nothing really happened. I guess maybe our time together may have changed. I know that this incident or this feeling may have begun once school started. I know that this took place two weeks or so before his birthday which is in August. We really didn’t break-up break-up. He said, that he hated that it had to come to this. I asked him if he was going to say anything about the text and he said something, I don’t remember now, but somehow we still stayed together. I can’t remember what happened exactly. It was implied that it was a break-up but he didn’t come out and say that we were threw. I think that we kind of stepped back and at some point, I think a few days before his birthday, we met, he hugged me, and said that he didn’t hate me, he still loved me and we went from there.
            As for why I have felt this way. In the beginning of the relationship, I didn’t feel this way, we were cool, everything was great, but I think when school started I began having these feelings that something wasn’t right. Here’s the thing, in my previous relationship, I trusted and believed in everything my man did or said, and I never worried about what he was doing or not doing when he was not in my presence. There was a time in our relationship when he stopped calling, stopped answering my calls, and we weren’t seeing each other often. Come to find out, that time when, those things were happening, he was cheating on me. Well… going back to my current boyfriend, when August got here, of course, we were not able to spend much time together and things kind of changed and I think that may be when my intuition heightened. I just always felt like something just wasn’t right, and I could never put my finger on it. Even today now that things are somewhat going back to normal things still don’t seem right. I know that during basketball season he would completely ignore my calls and I know that for a fact, because what I would do was to call him using my number and then turn around and call him using an alternate number. He wouldn’t answer my number but he would answer the alternate number. I confronted him on that and he said that he doesn’t try to do that intentionally (I thought that was bogus because he caller ID). They’re other things that have happened recently that make me wonder. He says that he is suppose to be this place or that place when he is in fact at home. I have called him during the times he is at home and he doesn’t answer the phone nor text. He seems to have an excuse for everything. I mean, something just isn’t quite right. Why haven’t I met any family members who are located here? Why doesn’t he feel that to be important. Why do we go so many days without talking nor seeing each other. Why can’t he talk to me on the phone like he does others. I meant we only talk on the phone for a couple of minutes and then I feel rushed off. I’ve seen him talk to other people longer than he does me.

            So you are saying he dumped you for looking through his phone?
            We.ll… I can’t remember the entire conversation but it was implied that we shouldn’t talk to each other again. He was angry and upset and was kind of overthrown by what had happened, as if he could not believe his eyes. He told me that “I think you should go” and so I left. I got in the car and got ready to pull off, but then he came out to the telling me that he couldn’t believe that it had to come to this, and he asked me if I had any other numbers with me (I wrote down the numbers an names). After leaving, he called me and said that if he was any other man, he would have slapped me for doing something like that. He went on to say other things….
            We did actually break up one other time and this was not long after the incident with the phone happened. Well… I felt that he treated me preety badly after that went down and so I wasn’t really too much into him anymore and I figured that he really wasn’t into to much with me. Anyway, he text me one day about coming over r something and I said that he had some nerve (or something like that) and so he decided to call me. He wanted me to come right then, but my son and I weren’t dress so I told him that I would come as soon as we ate and got dressed. He said to call him, but that he would be at the apartment studying. Anyway, I went ahead and got up and got myself and my son fed and clothed. I called him but he didn’t anwer, but I still thought that it would be okay for me to stop by because he wanted me to come by anyway, plus he said that he would be studying anyway. So I thought that when I got there he would be happy to see me. (YEAH RIGHT!). I got there and my son walked right on in pass him and I think If I didn’t have my son with me, my boyfriend may have tried to keep me from coming inside the apartment. Anyway, I walk in right behind my son. I never saw my boyfriend look towards the back I don’t think, but he was acting funny. He kept saying that he was busy and that he had some place to go or something. He said how about, I meet you at your place. All this time he kept his door open. I didn’t even get a chance to sit down. Own my way out of the door, he tried to grab my hand or something and I kind of snatched away from him, because I was TICKED OFF! And I walked on out. He hollered out that I looked nice, but I ignored him, got my son in the car and left. A few minutes later, he calls saying that he thought we should break up that I was causing him too much stress and that we could just be friends. I told him that I hadn’t done anything wrong that HE called me to come over, yeah I was a few hours later coming but he was suppose to be at home studying, so why wouldn’t he mind me stopping by. Whatever the case, within that hour or so I ended up coming back to his place and we made up.
            I would like to also say that the above brings up another factor that I have with him. He is very defensive about his place and I mean very defensive. He does not and I mean DOES NOT WANT ME STOPPING BY HIS HOUSE UNEXPECTEDLY! He is very clear about that and I mean one time he chewed me out about it and the only reason I was at his place was because I was hoping that he could come back to the clinic with me. He had said that he could and then the next time I mentioned it he said that he wouldn’t know until Monday and then after that I never heard back from him, so I just stopped by his place. What was funny that day, he had finally called me, and strangely enough he called on the day I’m supposed to go to the clinic. When talking to him, he acted like he didn’t remember the fact that I had to go to the clinic that day so you kind of wonder why he called out of the blue. Anyway, he asked me where I was and I told him that I was outside his apartment and seems like all broke loose after that. He started going off on the fact that he never said that he would go with me to the clinic and that I should never stopped by his apartment without his permission. I told him, “you act like you at home” he said no that he was out paying bills. I began to think, and I don’t know if I had mentioned it at that time but that maybe someone else was there and when I knocked on the door they called him and informed him that I was outside his door (and they described me to him). So in order to verify whether or not I was indeed at his door, he decided to call me. I told him, I said you act like you got something to hide. He said, no, but just don’t stop by my house unexpectedly like that again. To this day I have always found that quite strange. Now see, if I were living on my own, he could come to my place anytime he wanted even without calling first (It would be nice to have a surprise). My thing is, you just wonder why he is so defensive about that.
            The problem isn't the fact that he has female friends, it's the fact that YOU aren't with him when he is around them.
            I have always felt the way you do. I definitely do not think that a man and a woman can be friends especially best of friends because like you said one or the other is going to be attracted to the other person. I have even been in a situation like that. Look at my boyfriend, he messed around with his best friend and whose to say that he won’t do that with any of his other friends. I remember when he was telling me about his pat relationships, he told me that I didn’t have to worry about any of them because, I got him, “You got me” he said.

            Lets say you guys stay together and get married in a few years. Do you think it would be alright if you hung out with other men alone without your husband? Most people would understand the natural tendencies of people and say no. If your with someone in a committed relationship why should it be any different?
            You’re right.

            Comment


            • Thanks. Its good to know that there are some men and women out there that an have a good friendship that doesn't go past just that, a "good friendship".

              Comment

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