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Why not say No?

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  • Why not say No?

    Really just venting lol

    My boyfriend is not a typical 21 year old guy. He doesn't like nightclubs, doesn't like going to bars, and says he doesn't like the taste of alcohol. Now when he told me this for the first time I was like oh my god wow I found a guy who is perfect because I want to avoid the party animal type guys.

    Background: I am also not outgoing, and I really do not like to drink. With this I knew that finding a boyfriend at my age (20) would be extremely difficult. I have no girlfriends to even go out with, and even if I did I would want to find an excuse not to go to a bar or club for example because I feel so socially awkward being the quiet one who contributes barely anything to discussion...so yeah I figured I'm not going to find anyone to date unless I meet them in University.

    Side note: My boyfriend who is also a very long time school friend, asked me on a random day to hang out (even though we hadn't really talked since 11th grade) and two months later of hanging out he asked to make our relationship 'official'.

    Anyway, recently he told me he has a problem with saying "no" when he is out with his buddies. I am thinking, okay no problem he just means he wants to goof around with them right? No, not exactly. He says that he doesn't want to be the "party pooper" in the group because he is "a boring guy"-his exact words. I understand that, and I told him that. But one night he told me about a night he went to the club because his friends said they were going, remember he doesn't want to tell them that he hates going. So he said he was there and chick came up to him and asked him to dance, he said no thanks I have a girlfriend...or so he says, but she took him by the hand forced him to dance. My first thought was, well why didn't you continue to say no you have a girlfriend? He said he couldn't do something like that in front of his buddies who don't give a rats behind about commitment (all are single) when a hot chick is presenting herself. I was mad that he gave into it, but after second thought I put myself in his shoes and thought...okay a hotter chick, wearing almost nothing (cause its a nightclub) is wanting to bump and grind, of course he won't say no with his buddies nagging him on. So I ignored that tidbit, but it still does bother me.

    Second incident, his buddies tell him to buy a flat of beer for just himself because they were going to have some fun later. I found he was doing that when he asked "how many beers are in a flat?"...we laughed cause we don't drink so we really didn't know. But I asked him why he was going to do that if a) he tells me he doesn't like to drink (and especially hates the taste of beer), and b) why not just a pack of Smirnoff instead of an entire flat of beer for just himself?....his answer was "you don't understand, its about pride" And I was like "what? You have always told me you hated to drink, and don't like being drunk". His reply to that was "the booze loosens me up so I can become less boring even though I still do not like being drunk"....I agreed with that because even if I do drink I open up more. But why would he still do it even though he tells me he is the type of guy that hates doing it?

    I don't understand it, and I tell him that but he is beginning to get angry when we talk about this stuff. I asked him why he can't just say no if he is uncomfortable with the situations he is put in, and his only reply again was "its about pride". Because of the little arguments about him not being able to say no he has recently begun to go out more and more to "drink a little" with his buddies. Okay fine, but now he says he has a tolerance for alcohol and doesn't want me to come along with him on his outings even if his friends ask me to come along.

    I'm sure I am just overreacting because this is my first relationship, but it still bothers me to think that the guy I thought he was is now slowly turning into the type of guy I wanted to avoid.
    There are those who believe that dictionaries should not merely reflect the times but also protect English from the mindless assaults of the trendy.

  • I dont think you are overreacting at all. He can go to the clubs with his friends have fun and be fun without alcohol. Ask him if he can try to drink less because you worry. If its pride ask him how his pride is going to be when he is on disability becuase he is an alcoholic with medical problems. Or in a comma? This is what happened to my dad 2 years ago. He died. And for the girl...thats not cool...he shouldve said here take my buddy. And that he is happy with you. Make sure he's careful with alcohol...I know your probably wondering what does a 14 year old know right? My dad died and I know all the bad that comes after partying...its seriiously not worth it please tell him that...i dont want anyone being victimized to alcohol. It starts out with a little and impressing your friends trust me...good luck...
    Peace out trout:rolleyes:

    Comment


    • Oh I forgot to add another thing.

      The topic of strippers came up, so I jokingly asked him if he has ever gone. He said yes, one time. That's cool I thought, he did what every guy should do at least once in their life. I also let him know that I have no problem with him going to a strip joint but I do not want him getting a lap dance because I consider it cheating since he will be getting an erection. But I was curious and asked when he went, he said about a month ago....and I was taken by surprise because he told me he didn't do anything different that weekend he left (I think going to a strip club is something different and should me mentioned lol)...but I thought nothing of it. I asked him jokingly if he got a lapdance when he was there, I figured he would say no because that is something that really isn't his style. He said yes he did because his cousin told him it was his first time going so he must get a lapdance. Whoa what? He must get one? He said he wasn't even going to tell me about the strip club unless I ever asked him because it would have hurt my feelings....uh buddy, lieing won't help either. I still stand that him going to the strip club is okay, as long as he is not getting any backroom lapdances, but now with him and his never saying no thing I don't know if should believe that he declines a lapdance from now on, if he ever goes back to one.
      There are those who believe that dictionaries should not merely reflect the times but also protect English from the mindless assaults of the trendy.

      Comment


      • Originally posted by ItsASecret View Post
        That's cool I thought, he did what every guy should do at least once in their life.

        I asked him jokingly if he got a lapdance when he was there, I figured he would say no because that is something that really isn't his style. He said yes he did because his cousin told him it was his first time going so he must get a lapdance. Whoa what? He must get one?
        Why is it something every guy "should" do? You both seem to share this thinking. I'm baffled. What sexual things are there that every woman "should" do, that as a society we turn a blind eye to? I can't think of any. What's this double standard? Who does this serve?

        He doesn't sound like he has much back bone. He tells you he doesn't like certain things but does them anyway. Does he really think and feel what he says or is he one of those people who say and do what he thinks you want to hear? Being flexible in your thinking is one thing, being pulled this way and that by everyone who somes along is another.

        Be careful. You might do well to consider this one a learning experience and not get too emotionally tied up. To slightly rephrase something I heard recently: Every idiot you date is one less idiot you marry.

        Comment


        • Why is it something every guy "should" do?
          To me going to the strip club one single time is something they can just put on their checklist type thing. They don't have to go again, or like it for that matter but if the opportunity to do it that one time comes up in life then he should go for it.

          He doesn't sound like he has much back bone. He tells you he doesn't like certain things but does them anyway. Does he really think and feel what he says or is he one of those people who say and do what he thinks you want to hear? Being flexible in your thinking is one thing, being pulled this way and that by everyone who somes along is another.
          That is exactly how I feel, I mean sure we all can be put into situations we are uncomfortable with and still may say things to please the other person but we don't need to do it every single time. For example I tell him that drinking with his buddies is okay, but why drink to get drunk? If the booze loosens him up why not just have a few to get the tiny buzz?

          This is the same guy I have previously mentioned that absolutely love and adores me, does everything a guy should do to please his woman. I love that, and I love him. So I know he means what he says if any other topics other than these come up.

          Even if this relationship ends, which I truly hope never does, I won't be looking for any new relationship. Not because of the broken heart that would come, but because of the fact that I am not going to go out to the bar, club, parties, or any other common social gathering to even try to find a man. I am not outgoing, and feel extremely uncomfortable 'changing who I am' to please other people when I do go out. If I found another guy it would be because of random dumb luck.
          There are those who believe that dictionaries should not merely reflect the times but also protect English from the mindless assaults of the trendy.

          Comment


          • What he has to be careful of is that his "mates" will not really be his mates, rather get him to buy the beer, teeze him into always dancing with girls, etc, etc, just to get their jollies...

            It is "pride" but it is "non-independance", what he means by pride is he doesn't want to come across as a dork so he does things that will please others so he doesn't look that way.

            One day he won't give a shirt I am hoping and just be himself instead, he's young who knows. He's following the croud so to speak...

            As for "once of at a strip club"... Yes, I see your mentality of it's something of a once off, but really it's not.... Same rule applies, he should be whom he wants to be and no one else....

            If he goes every now and then he's not cheating by getting an erection? Guys get an erection just thinking about sex, nothing to do with a woman in front of them.. It's natural..

            CW
            PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

            Comment


            • As far as I know he hasn't gone back to a strip club, but if he does I will just let him know each time that lap dances are off limits. I understand that guys get an erection just thinking about sex, but him getting up because of thinking about it is vastly different from him getting an erection because a naked dancer is grinding herself against his body. That is the part that I regard as cheating.

              I'm afraid he will begin doing things out of spite because he doesn't like to talk about this stuff anymore. I guess the only thing I can do is just let it happen as it is meant to happen and work from there.
              There are those who believe that dictionaries should not merely reflect the times but also protect English from the mindless assaults of the trendy.

              Comment


              • Don't be so emotionally invested in a relationship if the other party is not strong enough to support it like you do. Don't waste your time and energy thinking about things that it, because he is not.

                Bottomline is, he is not matured enough to be himself, to assert himself, and to take into consideration YOU and your needs/feelings.

                You'd be better off without him, I'm so sorry to tell you. I am blunt, but just want to be honest about it.

                Comment


                • I won't leave him unless he cheats. Its difficult not to be emotionally invested in a relationship when he does everything else perfectly. He tells me I am beautiful, buys me gifts, flowers, makes dinner, devotes entire days to the things I like doing even if he doesn't necessarily like them, he does everything and anything he can to satisfy me in the bedroom (see my previous posts to get a feel for the exceptional way he treats me)....it is just when he is out with his buddies that the problem of saying "no" comes up. All I can think of as an explanation is that he just acts differently around his buddies than he does around me, which makes sense because its hard for a guy to be emotional, and sensitive around male friends without being the target of jokes.
                  There are those who believe that dictionaries should not merely reflect the times but also protect English from the mindless assaults of the trendy.

                  Comment


                  • Sweetie, I know you are still young, so maybe, relative to your age (pardon me), this issue is OK. If it really is OK, then why keep bothering yourself with this thought? In the first place why the thread (I'm just sarcastic! Pardon me again!).

                    You are not looking unto the possibility of having a "future" with this guy, do you? Because if you do, he must have the backbone to say "NO" to his peers no matter how they would react, no matter what they'd call him. YOU must be more important than what others say. If you want a future with him, this issue that is surfacing right now is a red flag for me. That is just me...I am a "strong woman"...I can come across as manipulative towards a whimp. That is why I want a man with a backbone.

                    What guy do you prefer?

                    Comment


                    • Amongst all this he has told me that recently he has been willing to not go out at all if I told him not to. He tells me that he wouldn't be the happiest but he would tell them "not tonight" if I said no. I have never said "no you cannot go" though, I don't want to be keeping him on a leash. Its hard to explain. So maybe I am just overreacting, I will still give it time...as long as he tells me what he is doing I react better. If he does something and doesn't tell me and I end up finding out through his friends (I am actually good friends with one of them), I will be mad. That has not happened, and I hope never will.

                      The guy I prefer is the honest one, if he came to me tomorrow and said "hun I think I prefer the party scene now" I would at least be happy that he was being honest.
                      There are those who believe that dictionaries should not merely reflect the times but also protect English from the mindless assaults of the trendy.

                      Comment


                      • You are still both young (especially you). Him, he's old (age-wise), but lacks the maturity, as most men do (biased as I am...my apologies, dear sirs!).

                        Let him enjoy his time alone. You are right about not putting him on leash, he'll resent it later, believe me. He's a bachelor, though he has you as his GF, he still has a life, and so do YOU. Get a life, too. Don't rely on him solely for your happiness.

                        Sit him down, and talk. Draw boundaries and rules that both will abide in the playing field. Tell him how you feel, and ask him about his feelings/ opinion in relation to yours. Lay things out: focus in building a relationship based in love and trust. Open communication is the way to go.

                        Comment

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