[GoodEgg]

It's probably going to sound a little odd to hear, pretzel, but he told me a long time ago that he made a promise that he would never marry until he turned 30. Any co-ownership of anything large such as a car or house and domestic partnerships are just extensions of marriage in his head, so the only chance of getting out of this house are once his roommate is ready to buy out my bf's half. I know it sounds like an excuse, but I respect the fact that he's sticking to the promise he made to himself as part of his vision of how he wanted his life to be.

[pretzel]

It's probably going to sound a little odd to hear, pretzel, but he told me a long time ago that he made a promise that he would never marry until he turned 30. Any co-ownership of anything large such as a car or house and domestic partnerships are just extensions of marriage in his head, so the only chance of getting out of this house are once his roommate is ready to buy out my bf's half. I know it sounds like an excuse, but I respect the fact that he's sticking to the promise he made to himself as part of his vision of how he wanted his life to be.

Not odd at all. I know many people who felt the same way.

So now he's 28(?) and that threshhold is fast approaching.

So what happens on his 30th birthday? If you decide to stick it out, there better be something big in it for you.

Or maybe he may decide that he isn't quite financially stable enough so it might be better to wait til he's 35.

Maybe you two might make that commitment when he turns 30. Is there another timetable for children?

I'm not trying to be argumentative. I just happen to know too many successful people who lost years of enjoyment out of their lives because they were so darn bent on timetables.

[GoodEgg]

It's good to hear that there are others who have planned that far ahead. I know I haven't. Marriage just seems like too huge a life change to know for sure until you get there. He turned 28 last November, yes. He doesn't have any set plan for his 30th birthday. He'd like to get married and he'd like to move into a place where it's just us. But he said he knows now that he can't do that as long as these roommates need his help to make ends meet (both friends he's known for nearly 10 years each and neither are in the best financial state). He feels crowded in and playing the middle man is a huge burden on him because confrontation is high on his list of things to run far far away from. Which, on a side note, is funny because while he's big on planning long term, he is impulsive in the short term and he didn't foresee any problems with having four different people living in the same house Oh, his other long term plan is to no longer have roommates when he turns 30.

I love this guy and would wait however long he feels he needs to make any decisions regarding marriage or changing his living situation. Probably because I don't have any strong feelings about marriage or children. I believe if they happen, cool. If not, oh well. He feels the same about children. He'd like one someday, but if not, it's not a big deal.

I enjoy challenges to my opinions, however, pretzel, so don't feel like you have to hang back.

[pretzel]

Thanks, just giving my own opinions based on my life and many of my friends.

I'm not going to quote your response cause it's somewhat redundant so I'll comment in the best order possible.

To start, if everyone knows what would happen in a marriage when they enter it, the divorce rate would be practically zero. I happen to believe very strongly in marriage (or more aptly total commitment) as part of a process by which 2 people grow together. Yeah it's a huge change in life, but one should look forward to the joys (and heartaches) that this brings. I see it as maturing.

He says he wants to live in a house that's just the 2 of you. But he's made the decision that helping his friends are more important. That unfortunately is what that sounds like to me. It may be very noble of him but if it's at your expense then isn't it being just a tad selfish?

It sounds like he doesn't want his life to begin until he's 30. On his 30th birthday some magical light is going to turn on and he's going to become some new and improved him. At 30, out go the roommates, in comes the girlfriend. At 30, out goes the house that he currently half owns, in comes a new house with you in it. Life begins again at 30.

I know you said that you love him and would wait for that day. Everything I've just said is purely just my opinion. You're comfortable with waiting. That's fine.

(please don't take any sarcasm, for some reason no smilies when I'm not using the quote function so whatever the smilie is for smiling and happy, they would be there)

Rich

[KMonte85]

If his life plans are not set to kick in until he's 30, then you can never move forward until that time (at the very earliest)...

really whether you are living with him or not living with him is just a lateral move until his big 3-0 comes along as that is is timeline for change...

If you don't mind waiting, then wait, but this seems like a lot of emphasis put on a certain age, and I worry that because the both of you are so aware that "30" is when things are going to happen that it might be a big letdown, at least on his part!

In any case, it seems that your moving out is a good idea for both of you...

[GoodEgg]

I've read you responses and had to re-read and then read them again. I guess I am facing a lot of decisions affecting me that are based on selfishness as much as I hate to admit it. It's funny how hard it is to see bad in the actions of people you've loved for even as little as a few years. But I'm sitting here after working at home today and after doing some soul searching, I'm finding what I feel now is resentment and anger despite the reassurances that things are still fine. However, "fine" means I'm the one being told to move out and I'm the one who has to adapt to a new place all on my own. There are a lot of reasons, I now see, why it would be better to move out if only to feel like I'm someone worth something more than a piece of garbage to be tossed out when I'm not convenient anymore. Sorry for the ranting...

[happy ending]

yes goodegg, i find it hard that you have to move out because his friends need him, i dont think you're ranting at all. i dont think he appreciates all you do for him and i dont blame you for feeling angry and resentful. i hope your new place is lovely.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Now that you've refreshed us a bit more, it seems he's siding, over his "friends" and their needs over a relationship and "their needs".

I think he has a fear of future. I think he's stuck in the present and maybe, won't actually look at the future for longer than you think.

It seems, he likes sharing with the "lads", helping them but feeling that he wants that freedom, and this is maybe an easy way out for him, as you will have your own place.

I hope that he comes to the party, stays over, has dinner dates with you, treats you well and it's only that he's still in batchelor mode pertaining to living arrangements that is his problem.

CW

[GlitterAndStuds]

I'm not sure how relevant this will be to the original post, but this reminded me of a conversation I was just having with a friend of mine. While I was saying that I'll be staying in bed with the lights off all day when I turn 30... haha... He said that it's different for guys. He's excited for it (he's also 28 now) because all of the adolescent BS will be over with and he'll finally be respected as a full-grown adult, and it gives him a starting point for throttling life. At that point, he'll have spent 30 years building his life, and it'll be time to utilize it. Although he says the words "settling down" still scare the crp out of him, lol.

That being said, it's hard for me to say whether this will turn out to be a good thing or a bad thing. What everyone says DOES make sense that having your own space might benefit you both, at least in the sense where everything isn't so overwhelming all the time.

As for the waiting until he's 30 thing, it could very possibly be that he just wants to take these last 2 years of being in his 20's and have the excuse of "being young". Not in the acting like a bachelor sense, but more living with/helping his buddies. But hopefully he knows that he life doesn't have to end at 30. He can still have fun with you (and in general) without thinking he's "too old" or something. That is nowhere near an old age

I hope things work out for you and that your apartment is awesome! At least you can decorate it any way you want and have your own space to escape to when needed.

[GoodEgg]

Just wanted to add an update to this whole dramatic chapter of this post, probably more for my own peace of mind. I had another talk with him today, and you probably hit it on the head in the last part of your last post, CW. I asked him a series of questions for answers that I needed. For me. What he misses is the ability to just goof off with his friends and just be a guy which is impossible when I'm here in this house of men. He misses the ability to come home to his own room and his own space and not have the additional thought in his head when I am sitting in that room whether or not I'm happy or whether or not I'm entertained. Of course, this isn't a scenario where I want to play judge and call that right or wrong. It just is how it is and where he is in life right now. We decided not to put off my moving after all and I will sign a lease this weekend rather than later. (He initially said not to rush into because he didn't want to make me feel like I was being forced out.) I'm not sure what is going to happen from here, but at least I'll be in my own place on my own terms as well. Please keep your fingers crossed for me and thanks for all you've thoughtfully posted, everyone!