[Birdie_567]

Out of curiosity, what is the most respectful way you've ever been rejected or "friendzoned." I always feel terrible and like to do it in the kindest way possible because I know how much it can sting. I tend to say something along the lines of, "I'm so flattered, thank you. But... insert xyz reason." Just curious if anyone has any tried-and-true ways to not make it awkward or hurtful.

[JonnyR]

Ooo this is a good one!

So many possibilities -- for me, I have to balance being what I call "conscientiously honest" with also making sure that the door is shut if I don't want to go there.

I don't like the term "brutally honest" -- who wants to be brutalized? Why can't we have compassionate or kind honesty? I also like the term "conscientious" because you're thinking about the other person, how they feel and how they might take it and adjusting accordingly.

The key though, is not to be ambiguous -- a statement like "right now, I'm just not in a place to date..." is terrible, because it makes it seem like otherwise, you WOULD be interested.

So I;'ve come with many different ways of doing this -- it depends on whether it was a first/second date type thing, or a medium-ish relationship/situationship that was just light, but getting more serious.

The 1st/2nd dates are usually with some combination of: "I really enjoyed our X together...and at the same time, I didn't feel a romantic connection. I'm really sorry about this, but I wanted to be honest with you and wish you the best of luck."

For the longer-term ones where it was more casual, I would phrase it as something like: "I'm having a really great time with you, but when I look at our lives and personalities and values, a long-term relationship probably isn't going to work out with us."

I then give them the option of whether they'd like to continue seeing each other knowing that, or end things and respect their decision -- I've had people decide both ways.

[Acesup]

I'll be honest as a guy I have a real pet peeve or sore spot that used to make me really angry about being friend zoned. Still does except I'm married not dating so I'm not getting friend zoned by multiple girls. And when my wife does something that makes me feel like she is friend zoning me it REALLY hurts and angers me.

It stems from this. I tried my hardest to be good to women, to treat them right and try to have real relationships. And for the longest time all it ever got me was either taken advantage of by women who would literally say things like "I need a man to put me in my place or I won't respect him and I'll just walk all over him" or else it got my friend zoned by women who would then complain to me as their best friend about all the bad boys and frat boys they were banging and how awful they were to them and how there were no good guys out there. The level of disrespectful insult was not lost on me. Good guy right here. Tried to be good to you. You rewarded being a good guy by friend zoning me and then rewarded the guy who treats you like crap by having sex with him and now you are complaining about hoe there are no good guys out there. You picked your lane now don't complain when you get what you paid for.

I literally had a girl crying to me that the frat boy she was screwing after saying she just didn't see me that way and wanted to just be friends, that he was always high on special K so they couldn't have sex. Like just her telling me about that and complaining to me about that was such an intense insult to me. I never spoke to her again after that. Like thats what you get live with it. You could have had so much better with me but you didn't think I was good enough. How's that bad boy complex working out for you now.

I know its more complicated than that but that is how getting friend zoned for treating women with respect and like equals while the men that treated them like pieces of met had the same women throwing themselves at them and then crying their eyes out when the bad boys turned out to actually be bad. That kinda screwed me up a little bit.

So after that happend to me in college and then after college and the woman I had a long term relationship with and helped put through college repaid me by cheating on me her last semester I snapped. I self medicated with girls. I went full sex addict full anti commitment and I intentionally played the stereotype of the type of the bad boy women wanted then complained about. I literally did it as a joke to show them, you want the bad guy Ok here is your bad guy. And sure enough the same women who were friend zoning me were now sleeping with me when I was literally intentionally being a jerk to them and making no effort to hide the fact that all I wanted was sex. Same guy and I wasn't even really a bad boy I was playing an act, and it kept working so I kept doing it and I got sucked into the lifestyle for almost a decade.

So I personally find being friend zoned very insulting. But that is just from personal experience and trauma. I am sure there are good ways to do it respectfully. But I will say this to women. If you go out with a guy who treats you good and you friend zone him, do not then complain to him about the guys you deemed worthy of having sex with and how there are no good guys out there. Intensely insulting and hurtful. You want good guys, give your attraction and affection to guys who treat you like that and they will be everywhere. You give that to bad boys to fulfill some stupid complex and guess what that is how guys will act. That is all you will find. men go with what works.