new to relationships needs when to leave advice
Okay first off, I am 26. So no teenager advice needed here. However, I am in my first relationship. I had never even kissed a guy or really been asked out by anyone I would consider going out with before this. So, that does limit my perspective a lot. And second, I apologize for the length of this, I didn't really know what else to edit out and yet give a full perspective.
I have been with my boyfriend for a year now. And I love him, and am completely able to see spending the rest of my life with him. In most ways. Here is my problem. The absolute only thing that is not okay with me, is that for the last 10 months he has been unemployed. He was laid off last March, and has not gotten work since then. Now, it is not because he couldn't find anything, it is because he hasn't done more than look in the abstract. No action of applying, interviewing or trying to really get a job of any kind temporary or his ideal.
I have worked my butt off since I was fourteen through a BFA and MFA, and I work in a field with little pay, and horrible hours. But I love it, and I understood that for the last ten plus years of my life I would have not much social life to be able to get where I am now. I was raised with a very strict work ethic, and I can barely stand having more than a couple of weeks between contracts without work, much less the thought of multiple months. So, the overly logical, unemotional side that I am used to using most of my life is going, forget him, move on, even if you have nobody it would be better than getting even more emotionally attached to a deadbeat, unmotivated loser.
However... on his side, this is not the usual for him. He is 34, had his last job for 9 years before he got laid off, and had other jobs before that as well. He is very smart, very intelligent, and physically able to get a job. He does have problems with ADD (time management, focus issues, anxiety problems) along with an unhealthy dose of self-depreciation and lack of self-pride and belief in his own abilities. Also, he got stuck in his last job of working in a cubicle (which I have no idea how he handled without going insane) yet because he was there so long, he doesn't really have training for doing something else he might like better.
So, at first I was supportive, but not pushy as I had just started dating him. Recently, I felt more comfortable we had a serious talk, where he mostly said he was having very serious anxiety problems(he over thinks and over analyzes and then freaks himself out), and he wondered if it were better for me to leave the relationship so he wouldn't hurt me as much as he was hurting himself with his situation. (to which I thought, too late) And we decided to keep giving it a chance with him attempting to be more open and communicative about where he was and how he was doing. I have offered anything and everything I can to help him work through this.
Now, I don't know how much longer I should be supportive and try to help him pull through this, or if I just need to leave and let go of my dreams of a real life with him. I don't think that my leaving would spur him on to be motivated, he would just accept it as another thing going wrong in his life and continue to wallow...maybe a cattle prod or something would get him moving...any thoughts or advice from those who have been through more relationship drama than I have? At this point I am thinking of telling him how much I love him, and that I could see this being a forever thing, but that if he reaches the point of not getting work for an entire year, I can't wait for him to straighten this out any longer. He either needs to fix it himself, or admit that he can't do it on his own and get help either from friends and family, or professionally, but he can't stay like this.
I have been with my boyfriend for a year now. And I love him, and am completely able to see spending the rest of my life with him. In most ways. Here is my problem. The absolute only thing that is not okay with me, is that for the last 10 months he has been unemployed. He was laid off last March, and has not gotten work since then. Now, it is not because he couldn't find anything, it is because he hasn't done more than look in the abstract. No action of applying, interviewing or trying to really get a job of any kind temporary or his ideal.
I have worked my butt off since I was fourteen through a BFA and MFA, and I work in a field with little pay, and horrible hours. But I love it, and I understood that for the last ten plus years of my life I would have not much social life to be able to get where I am now. I was raised with a very strict work ethic, and I can barely stand having more than a couple of weeks between contracts without work, much less the thought of multiple months. So, the overly logical, unemotional side that I am used to using most of my life is going, forget him, move on, even if you have nobody it would be better than getting even more emotionally attached to a deadbeat, unmotivated loser.
However... on his side, this is not the usual for him. He is 34, had his last job for 9 years before he got laid off, and had other jobs before that as well. He is very smart, very intelligent, and physically able to get a job. He does have problems with ADD (time management, focus issues, anxiety problems) along with an unhealthy dose of self-depreciation and lack of self-pride and belief in his own abilities. Also, he got stuck in his last job of working in a cubicle (which I have no idea how he handled without going insane) yet because he was there so long, he doesn't really have training for doing something else he might like better.
So, at first I was supportive, but not pushy as I had just started dating him. Recently, I felt more comfortable we had a serious talk, where he mostly said he was having very serious anxiety problems(he over thinks and over analyzes and then freaks himself out), and he wondered if it were better for me to leave the relationship so he wouldn't hurt me as much as he was hurting himself with his situation. (to which I thought, too late) And we decided to keep giving it a chance with him attempting to be more open and communicative about where he was and how he was doing. I have offered anything and everything I can to help him work through this.
Now, I don't know how much longer I should be supportive and try to help him pull through this, or if I just need to leave and let go of my dreams of a real life with him. I don't think that my leaving would spur him on to be motivated, he would just accept it as another thing going wrong in his life and continue to wallow...maybe a cattle prod or something would get him moving...any thoughts or advice from those who have been through more relationship drama than I have? At this point I am thinking of telling him how much I love him, and that I could see this being a forever thing, but that if he reaches the point of not getting work for an entire year, I can't wait for him to straighten this out any longer. He either needs to fix it himself, or admit that he can't do it on his own and get help either from friends and family, or professionally, but he can't stay like this.
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