[hollyhocks]

Androd

This is what I hear when I read your posts

1) He watches porn
2) He went on a website that promotes cheating
3) He only wants sex when he wants it, not when you do


My response to it
1) Porn is no big deal and both men and women watch it. Some together, some separately and nothing is wrong with it

2) BIG BIG RED FLAG

3) He doesn't seem to respect you or maybe even like you....


If he is unwilling to really talk about your relationship and talk over trust issues and sex ect.... then my opinion is that the relationship is in BIG trouble. It sounds like your trying and no I am not saying snooping is right. But we all (men and women) do it when there is a lack of trust and there is a major lack of trust here. Relationships must have trust and communication to be successful.

[ocularone]

Androd
1) Porn is no big deal and both men and women watch it. Some together, some separately and nothing is wrong with it

I think that is a bit subjective. I personally believe it isn't right for someone to look at porn while in a committed relationship. She obviously is terribly hurt by it. I guess I'm just confused why so many people (especially women) are completely ok with it. I would hope I would be the center of my partner's sexual desires and I would be all she needs. The same goes for myself when it comes to my sexual needs. If I need something other than HER. I would feel like we have issues. Just my thoughts...

[rcoreyus]

There have been endless discussions of porn on this board. It is interesting to see how people view it completely differently, but I don't think anyone is going to convince anyone else of their opinions.

[stressed]

Before I reply to the OP, a thought for the rest: I know we have hundreds of threads on porn, masturbation and so on, but our new members don't know that, or have read them and want to post their story to vent. Telling them to "I've posted about this before, why don't you read more instead?" is not really helpful. If we are too bored over the same subject then we better not answer at all and let someone else take over.

Now, starting from the bottom to the top:

The fact that he turns you down when you hardly ever do is not a good sign. He must understand that it affects your self esteem and makes you feel unwanted. You need to be with a man who fulfills your needs, not someone who has sex only when 'he' wants to. Lying to you is unacceptable as well.

Dating sites usually come with the porn. If they watch porn while single then it's likely they'll create an account on a dating site and forget or neglect to delete it once in a relationship. Or it becomes a habit. However, his profile was suspicious.

Porn... you have to ask yourself why it bothers you. Is it because you feel that porn steals his energy for sex? Do you feel threatened by it? Do you think he prefers it to sex? Discuss this with him and listen to what he has to say. Ask him if there is something he is missing, if there are fantasies he wants to include you in. Explain that porn in addition to being turned down is hurtful. It's important to know why he behaves like he does.

[ffxiedyn]

Porn and my husband

The moment my husband decides to actively find another woman to arouse or please himself sexually is the moment I do not care what caused him to do this or why he thinks it is ok to do this.

He already knows how I feel if he were to do this.

And if he does this, I will not put up with him causing me to feel unwanted on purpose after he claims to care about me.

When we care about others, we do not go out of our way to cause them to feel unwanted or undesired, especially by desiring another to do something that you both agreed only each other would do for each other.

No, if he does this, I will leave and be happy alone, while seriously considering taking him to court for alimony, as he decided to go out of his way to degrade, disrespect and hurt me after vowing to not do this.

I do not need a man who desires other women to arouse him when I can arouse him.

I do not need a man who desires other women to sexually please him when I can sexually please him.

I do not need a husband that promised to love, cherish and honor me over all others if he wants another woman to arouse and sexually please him.

He may have those other women he is so eager to be aroused by and be sexually pleased by instead of me arousing him and sexually pleasing him.

He already decided he wanted me and no one else to arouse him and sexually please him the day we married one another.

I will not be waiting for him to decide he now wants me to arouse him and sexually please him after he is done with those other women.

I will be gone.

[rcoreyus]

Stressed has a point that new posters haven't seen the porn discussion.

On side (briefly). It is OK to watch porn when your SO is not available. it is not OK to watch porn rather then be intimate with your SO.

As far as cheating: I think the goal is to have the sort of relationship where neither person has any desire to cheat because their SO is everything they want. There should be no need to promise: I don't need to promise not to eat at McDonalds if I can eat at my favorite restaurant whenever I want.

[stressed]

The moment my husband decides to actively find another woman to arouse or please himself sexually is the moment I do not care what caused him to do this or why he thinks it is ok to do this.

He already knows how I feel if he were to do this.

And if he does this, I will not put up with him causing me to feel unwanted on purpose after he claims to care about me.

When we care about others, we do not go out of our way to cause them to feel unwanted or undesired, especially by desiring another to do something that you both agreed only each other would do for each other.

No, if he does this, I will leave and be happy alone, while seriously considering taking him to court for alimony, as he decided to go out of his way to degrade, disrespect and hurt me after vowing to not do this.

I do not need a man who desires other women to arouse him when I can arouse him.

I do not need a man who desires other women to sexually please him when I can sexually please him.

I do not need a husband that promised to love, cherish and honor me over all others if he wants another woman to arouse and sexually please him.

He may have those other women he is so eager to be aroused by and be sexually pleased by instead of me arousing him and sexually pleasing him.

He already decided he wanted me and no one else to arouse him and sexually please him the day we married one another.

I will not be waiting for him to decide he now wants me to arouse him and sexually please him after he is done with those other women.

I will be gone.

A very strong-willed post, but I do wonder if you would react like that and leave him on the spot over porn. It's always one thing to speculate how we would feel about what our SO would do and another to experience it.

Many people say "if my SO would cheat on me I'd leave" but it's not always as easy as that. There's hurt, pain, regret, anger... but we don't know how we would react for sure once those feelings have eased.

I'm not sure if it works for or against to "threaten" our SO that "if you cheat then I'm out of here". Some times it happens without a reason, we read about it almost every day here. Both my fiance and I have accidentally said once during our time together "I love you so much that I wouldn't leave you even if you would cheat on me, I'd try to deal with it" and we both had to explain afterwards that we didn't mean to encourage cheating by saying this. I think that was an approach closer to the truth than the "threat" of "I'll leave you no matter the reason and you better not forget that".

Anyway, just a thought.

[ffxiedyn]

It was not a threat.

It was an answer on how I feel about my husband seeking out other women to arouse him, be it in pictures, movies, or real life.

It was also a fact on how I will deal with the situation if it occurs.

I do not threaten my husband every day.

When we married, we clearly laid out the terms of our relationship.

I do not need to remind him everyday that I would not like him to desire other women to arouse him.

When we married, he promised me to never go out of his way to hurt, degrade or disrespect me, and he understands fully this behavior would be breaking this promise and causing our relationship great harm.

What I stated was my feelings towards this behavior in response to the OP.

What I stated was how I will deal with the situation if it occurs in my marriage.

I already know how I feel about chasing after other women to derive sexual pleasure from them in any form.

I do not need to be in that situation with my husband to already know I would not like it if he were to do this.

[rcoreyus]

It is of course up to you how you would react. For me it would need to be a pattern, not a single offense to give up a lifelong relationship. A lot of people stray - I'm not saying that it is ok, but it is fairly common. I think that forgiving mistakes is an important part of love. That doesn't mean putting up with everything, or repeated offenses, but understanding that occasionally people screw up- sometimes badly

[ffxiedyn]

Intentionally sitting down at your computer to search out women to arouse you is not a "screw up" or a "mistake".

It was a thought out desire.

Intentionally driving to the local titti bar to be aroused by the women there is not a "screw up" or a "mistake".

It was a thought out desire.

Having sexual relations with a woman other then your wife is not a "screw up" or a "mistake".

It was a thought out desire.

And if my husband does any of these things, he does these things quite on purpose.

He has disregarded my feelings and in turn has hurt, degraded and disrespected the marriage vows we pledged to each other.

He has no excuse whatsoever for me to even consider him as worthy of my side of the relationship any longer.