[kira]

I would ignore the financial stuff but I would not ignore the situation he's in. If this guy was responsible and truly interested in dating and starting a life with someone else he would have cut ties and gotten around to that divorce. He seems rather lazy and unmotivated to me. Sure odds are you will mostly find guys who have been married and divorced and many will have kids but most aren't in a situation like this. They have good jobs or at least a job, aren't still married to someone they no longer have a relationship with, and have their life together so they are ready to start a new relationship. This situation is what I'd expect from some guy in his 20s that married early and not from an older guy (I'm only 25) who should have a life. I really dislike what this all shows about his personality and future and I'd be running the other way.

Plus you sound like you are ready to just give up and settle for whatever you can get when you really don't need to do that. I knew I absolutely never wanted kids and I was ready to resign myself to finding a guy who had already had kids and divorced so that he wouldn't want more. I knew I'd hate being the stepmother and having to deal with them but I didn't think I'd have any luck otherwise. I was wrong. Patience and persistence found me someone who thought the same way as me. We married a few months after meeting and he had a vasectomy shortly after that. There's no reason to settle no matter how old you are.

[Amber]

I guess the way I'm going to look at it is this. He was ok with what I emailed. I guess now that I think about it, what guy wouldn't be. To be able to spend time with a woman and have no commitments. Well, not all guys but a lot. So I may go out with him and have some fun but there will be no strings attached. Meanwhile I will be dating other guys also, looking for my Mr. Right. I know from an experience I had with a guy about a month or two ago, that I will have to learn how to guard my heart. But a little fun won't hurt.

I didn't mention sex to him but that will be a definite no no for him. I don't do friends with benefit. Do I need to really spell that out to him? I would think that would be getting way too far ahead of myself but with guys, I don't really know.

[stressed]

To keep dating him with a negative attitude just to have some fun with him can lead to worse problems, even if you date other guys. It can lead to sex, to emotional connection, to you liking him a lot as a person despite his marriage (because he is still married), he might want to involve you with his children, so it might be even more difficult to end this and start another relationship. You have nothing to gain from this. And, yes, you do have to spell it out to him.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Remember that word "settle". I know that your dying to get out, date, find a partner, but we all get that "intuition", "gut, feeling, warning signs", if we ignore them, we fall into a "relationship" of sorts what ever sorts that is and then it's hard to get out, as we justify the reason why we are there.

Whilst there are no emotions, think very seriously, clearly and to your "gut feeling".

I would suggest that he is being open, telling "every" female he "will" date, about his situation, so it's very clear from the start, however, it is also a person "talking", himself also needing a "relationship" of sorts and settling.

If you had said you had been dating for a few months, fallen in love and all these things came out however at the beginning he stated " I do have some baggage, but I'm dealing with it" it to me would mean that it's you he likes and wants to start a relationship with to see where it goes, he has feelings and he is "ok" with his baggage, dealing with it and through conversation you find ways to make this process work for you both.

However, to tell you pretty much straight out? Then, this he will do to the next girl as well, there are no emotions attached yet.

Yes, off course, he would be happy to date and have no commitment and as far as I am concerned I agree with the others you will end up with feelings and you will end up in bed and then you will have to decide what you are doing, so do you really want to go there?

[Amber]

CW, I do see where you are coming from. I told myself that I can go in without emotional feeling and keep it at that but can I really do that. If I'm really honest with myself, probably not. Maybe I am kidding myself here.

I was just going out with a guy as friends about a month or two ago. We would go out together to the movies on the weekend. Found myself starting to fall for him a little, even though I told myself we needed to be just friends. He told me he just wasn't ready for a relationship yet, not that he wasn't interested. Found out that he was lying through something that he posted online and I think it was more that he just didn't want a relationship with me. It hurt but it also woke me up to what a real looser he is.

So what I am I doing here, if I just go out with him? Probably setting myself up for hurt again, if I am honest with myself. I may not give into the sex part because you know my issues with sex. Not just anyone can get me into bed. But even if he didn't get me into bed, he would at least get me emotionally involved. Then I will be stuck in a mess. That would be just my luck.

Ok, maybe I need to send this guy another email before he has his say in this. I'll be back.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Like I say, just follow that gut feeling and to me, it's oozing with "nooooo" settling.... it will happen, I will get attached, and your no orphan so remember that, it happens all the time.

Think like this. You've dated two guys, neither are suitable for you, but, you've dated two guys, so now it's onto the next one, until that one comes along that looks at you, for you and you both smile and start to get to know each other.

No point settling, I understand lonliness ( 3 years) before I found David, after separation, that's a loooooong time, but worth it...

Not saying it will be 3 years longer for you, rather, don't do it out of lonliness.... rather because you both like each other, no point setting yourself up for more pain hun.

CW

[Amber]

Cw, I know what you are saying is right. It was bound for heartache. I really liked this guy but he is not available and won't be for a long time. And in that time, I'm bound to loose my heart to him, and it will be only my fault. Especially if we agree to only hang out with no commitment.

So I told him as much in an email and said that I would like to be friends with him at single events. I don't see why there should be any hard feelings, considering we only went on one date. But let see what he says.

Doesn't really matter what he says, though. I'm not going out with him anyone. Another guy bites the dust!! At least this time it happened before any real feelings started to develop.

[pretzel]

Just weighing in with my two cents,

I think you're making a good decision not to continue to see him at this point. I'm not saying that things may not stay that way. If you like him and he likes you this may well be an impetus for him to stop feeling sorry for himself. That's part of the issue if not the biggest issue. He's stuck and won't pick himself up. Face it, his life is a mess right now whether it's of his own doing or not, that's where he is. No job, no wife, no marriage. He needs to take care of those things first.

My own feeling (maybe speaking from his perspective) is that someone other than his therapist was finally listening to him and what he's been going through. Unfortunately for you (but at the same time it speaks volumes about you) was that he thought he finally found someone who saw him and not his problems. But to bring his problems to the forefront on the first date was just a tad shortsighted on his part. He may be an honest and sincere person who doesn't like having things being kept inside. That I don't know.

[Amber]

I sent him an email telling him in so many words that I'm looking for my Mr. Right. He is not free to commit. I'm not about to risk developing feelings for him when he is legally attached to his wife for a few years to become. I told him that I did like him but it just can't happen. I'm going to try to sumerize what he said so I don't have to post his email online. I don't know how to answer to this. I just want to scream!!

He tells me that I as his first date since last fall and his second date since he was seperated. He told me the other date didn't work because he found himself not ready to date. He said he fancied about me when he first saw me at that first single's meetup. That is why he posted hello on my single's profile. The baseball ticket he has from Saturday game, he will keep that. What he will remember as from our first date. He is very glad he got the courage up to ask me on that date. He says he is attracted to me as I said I was in that goodbye email I wrote last night. He would like to go out with me again but there are a few things to consider beforehand.

He wrote this in the email. Not my exact words but sort of.

If I may be so bold to summarize what you wrote below: "should I spend time pursuing a potential mr. right that has such an obvious impediment to a commitment with me?" The question is not about me. Its about you. I can't answer your question for you. If I answered the question for you, though, it would be "give it a chance, it will be worth it, the impediment is on paper, not in the heart."

He says that he views life one day at a time. A little advance planning, but not too far out. He says he may not even find his Mrs Right. He is not concerned with that. He is just concerned with living each day to the fullest now, meeting new people, exploring new things. Along the way there will be love and lost. He is ready for that.

He wrote more that I don't have the time nor energy to rephrase, so here it is. I just want to scream right now. I don't even know how to answer this but something inside me is saying no, it is just not right!!

You say below that you are looking for Mr. Right. I might be your Mr. Right. You don't know for sure either way. You don't yet know me well enough to say. You are judging based on a just a few facts you have gathered. Who is to say that these apparent impediments are not challenges meant to be overcome, and by overcoming make a budding relationship stronger. Mr. (and Mrs.) Right can not be found neatly wrapped under your Christmas Tree. Finding Mr. Right is work. It is commitment. It is trust. To use an apt cliche, "anything worth having is worth fighting for." And, on top of it all, we don't yet know if there is gold or coal inside that present. I don't mean to get ahead of things too much, but to mirror what you say below, I too, could find myself opening my heart to you. The legal document that binds me to my wife is a financial document, it no longer binds my heart. If it did, I wouldn't have asked you out; if it did I wouldn't have written on your profile.

We all have our lists to determine if a date is in order with a potential. I realize that my children, employment status, marriage status, and last name can all be a mark against me even before "hello." At times these criteria are clearly warranted. A woman who doesn't want, who has never wanted, children, does not want to be involved with me. I get that. You were wisely counseled to give me a chance despite at least one of these unfavorable marks, and it wasn't the children, employment status, or last name. And what did you find? Part of your answer is below. And I'm flattered. He says he wants another date with me, many more. He is interesting in learning about me. He doesn't expect anymore than having some fun

I will state it clearly. I would like a second date, and probably a third and fourth. I am interested in learning more about you. I would like to enjoy some time together with you, having fun. I am not expecting anything more, but would gladly accept what we might find. We might find ourselves greater friends, we might find ourselves ... more. We might find something we are not looking for. We might find the sum of all our fears. I don't presume to know. If we have a good time together, then we have both been made better by the companionship. Neither of us knows what will happen. I will not let my fears, presumptions, or thoughts of self-preservation (of my heart) stop me from enjoying life - too often these things inhibit the enjoyment of life.

If you would like to go out, just hang out, go to the movies, go shopping (did I just say that?), grab a sandwich, fly a kite, fly in a helicopter, shoot an arrow, shoot a handgun, shoot water in a clown's mouth and win a stuffed animal, enjoy stuffed lobster, hit the beach and bake like a lobster, see the B52's sing rock lobster, see a collection of rocks at the museum, go to the museum and interpret Mandrian.....then say yes. It will be fun. We can see where that fun will take us. One day at a time

[KMonte85]

If only he would put so much effort he's put into guilt-inducing emails into his own life to better his situation. I'm not buying it. Excuse the cynicism, but...

He says in one sentence, I only live for today, I'm only looking for fun, to learn new things. Then he goes on about how he could see you two as being more in the future? Cmonnnnnnnn. Perhaps in the future he can forsee getting a job, being done with therapy to get over his wife and heartbreak, and actually DIVORCING HIS WIFE (that piddly "financial document" is much MUCH more than that, sorry). That message just seems so desperate... like he's looking for someone, ANYONE, to distract him from his life right now. From what I can tell, you're not looking to be a distraction.

And, sure, Mr or Mrs Right is not wrapped up neatly and placed under the Christmas tree, but they sure don't have the baggage that he does! And suffice it to say, that his baggage isn't permanent, but he's got it and has made it clear that things are not likely to get better any time soon.

Ultimately it is up to you what you do with this guy... but you have to factor in what you're looking for in a significant other, and how long you're willing to wait for someone to be in the right state of mind and the right LEGAL status to be completely available and open to a relationship. If you already know you want more than what he is willing or able to give right now, why spend time focusing on him?