[Rakastaja]

That's not the correct thought pattern If someone never had anything to offer you, this is not financial, this is in every capacity then you can not CHANGE someone, to suit what you want.. As, you can see, he doesn't have anything to offer now either.

Just because you have some financial independence, does not mean either that you give until you can't give anymore and then give up Nor, does it mean you go out with someone un-employed.

I think that you somehow for some reason, have all this heart to give, but have a fear yourself of relationships, and so you give and give, then one day, say, well what's coming back to me?
CW

More:
true: I do fear relationship...childhood issues and more in the level that I don't believe in them (I haven't seen more than 5% of long term couple truly happy, really successful in 12 different countries...that's a hard number!)
true too: in each of my past and obviously present relationship. I give until I am tired of it because I want 5% back of what I give...so, how do I stop the curse and finally become realistic?
note though: this man is an amzaing match to my brain...which makes the pain even higher...+I am older too, more experienced and getting tired, that doesn't help...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Pftttt age is but a number

Well, personally? I think it's when we come to a stage in our life, that we are comfortable with all that we are, who we are and in that, we know what we want.

Past is past. If you do not let that go, you can't enter the present and in that, there is no future.

The reasons why relationships often fail on such a high note, is that the two people together are there through their in-securities and in that they settle. They were never a complete match, they commenced perhaps from chemistry only and fell into that relationship.

There should be no "boxes to tick", no "check lists", or you set yourself up for being too demanding, but there should be core values, beliefs, of life itself and in that, communication. From that you can do anything together.

For instance, it's his "brain" is that intellectually? Or, character?

What you have to do is to work on yourself. Having "romance/ a good heart/ love" is one part of it... Loving yourself, and knowing who you are, what you want and that the past is history, is another part of it.

Then you can gain a person in your life that has the same dreams/goals, (not work wise necessarily or hobbies) but core values and beliefs. That's something you can work towards.

Let go of your past.
Forget the stats.. They are lost souls, searching only for love, not compatibility and values.
You want 50% back not 5.
Believe in yourself.
Love yourself.
And, don't change who you are as a person, rather love her.. Because in that someone will see the real you and love her as well

CW

[Rakastaja]

When our heart hurts, alcohol seems to help, that is until the next morning

Okay, so he may be suffering depression... If he hasn't had interviews since November, then surely that means that he lost it, didn't bother going and looking for work and now off course it's crunch time...

Losing your house, no income, is extremely scary for anyone... Regardless of the reasons and he's not a fighter, if he was, he would have fought to keep it, that being, constantly looking for work even if it was just a kitchen hand, something, anything...

He gave up..

So I'm not sure that this is about "romance" rather, different personalities. He charmed you for a year with his romance, yes.. And, in that you had "something" that you needed, wanted, but behind it all you really see alot of other things do you not? Things that are not you, such as giving up.... when you are not a quiter, you are a fighter.

Hense your comment about "un-employed" you are basically making excuses in my opinion ie) If I got all the romance back, I'd support him and wouldn't care that he was un-employed.. can't he see I don't care?

That's not what he's caring about. He's about to lose everything, it's pride, it's painful, he has children, you and romance are the furtherest from his mind at present.

You have to weight up.... out of 12 months, 6 of those months he went down hill... No job and no interviews...

You say he was sick, but did he lose his job in November for other reasons? Or was it, is it, has it been illness for the past 6 months?

Is he the sort of person that is just having a down and out? Or, is this his nature, lazy, didn't care and fate fell upon him?

What you don't do, is get him out of the pickle... financially... This is reserved for those whom try, those whom can jump hurdles and those whom don't give up, because if you do and his nature is "don't care", then it's money lost.

So, I guess you have to weight it up.... who was this man when I met him, why did he fall, is it he doesn't care about life? And, therefore, will remain in this sphere? Therefore, I had a great experience, for a while and I know I can have another....

Or, did he fall through no reasons of his own, illness.. And, I have been wanting my needs, instead of being there to try to pull him through mentally and help him mentally, so that he can jump the hurdle and there is definate love between us and has been all this time.

I don't think it's the later, but you can tell us

CW

woaw! I was just going to quote some... but there is nothing I can cut beside the fact that: he hasn't lost his job in November this year but before I even met him, sorry for the date: it was November 2008...6 month before I even met him... this is the end of his un-employment money.
He is a wonderful friend and i love his (I am foreign in this country and still in the look out for true friends in this place that I grew to love so much): he is one in his group, and they are great, he truly loves me but is most of the time (at least the past couple of month) completely oblivious of my issues with him...you are right: time for me to weight it out: the issues are not 6 months old but ever since we met...he just hid it so well and he was everything I ever dreamed of back then...now I know... just not ready to accept it yet, or maybe just insainly curious to see what he is going to become ...

[Rakastaja]

First, i promise I will reread everything tomorrow, after work with a clear mind ...
for now: I am not insecure, at least not with my past, I just have accepted that some of it makes me who I am good or bad. I love my life, yes, I am one of those : I have an amazing job that I can talk about daily yet I do not need to work more than half time to make a living...lucky me!...my kids are gorgeous but they are growing up (both teen and pre-teen) don't need me as much as they used to and if I have any problem really at all personally, it is just to find a good hobby that helps me in my spare time...and I am starting to have a lot of that those days!...sorry for getting of track, btw!
I am very happy in my skin (rare thing I know ), and head, the problem right now is that, I am not sure that perfect intellectual match, the man I love, and person with the same future goals can just be enough...he is very far from having the same stability than I have, how far am I supposed to go to help him and stay with him! I can give more still...but I do want more too...
my 15years old daughter is back: time to go back to mom's land
thanks for all your help...needed that a lot today

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I got nothing to add, haha

Well, not true, it's good that you know who you are, have rid of your past, know your future.

Maybe, simply, your just a romantic who wants to believe in people so have trouble, when in your "heart" you know you can't believe, because "they" don't believe in themselves... 18 months is a long time to be un-employed, not bothering to get back on top, for someone whom knows what she is doing in life, where she is going in life.

So, no, you shouldn't give any more, he's not helping himself, so you shouldn't be helping him financially.

Nothing wrong with "liking him" or him being " a friend", but you can't change someone, nor help lost souls find their way if they don't want to look....

Have a great night, and see what others say, or think when you get back tomorrow to re-read

CW

[alterview]

Rakastaja-

Sorry to open an older thread but I was curious and wanted to chime in.

Ouch! I always hate to hear of a loving relationship being torn apart by the basics in life. I hope you were able able to figure this out. It is always sad to hear of love lost (sounds like you both really did/do? love each other). True love seems to be a pretty rare thing- I can only think of one in my life...

From a guys perspective: he probably is frustrated, anxious and prideful of his poor situation. As long as finances aren’t entwined (probably good that your’s weren’t), most guys would probably try to avoid dragging another person into them. He obviously needs to get his ____ together. Also, I know that sometimes I feel I am being romantic but it isn’t always perceived as being romantic; just a thought. Romance at times can be as simple as a look, a certain kiss, a special hug or even a thought.

CW as always has great insight to lend, as well as many others on this forum. A LTR complete with love but not living together is kind of unconventional and comes with its own personal complexities and nuances. Relationships always take a certain amount of work.

If the two of you are a special match then I hope it works out. Perhaps a bit of patience and a bit of distance is the best thing. I would bet he would like nothing more than to be back on track with a job and stable housing and to have a clear head to be able to fully focus on being that special person in your life.

Slainte!

[PandaPaws]

Its not wrong to want it and don't consider telling him your needs and him trying to meet them 'romance under duress'. Sometimes one partner has different needs than the other and so they can only see their side of things. He may feel lucky, he may feel REAL lucky to have you every single morning as he wakes up... he may not realize that you need to hear it sometimes too. Telling him you need those little reminders of how he feels about you shouldn't make you feel guilty but serve as a wake-up call to him to treat you the way you deserve.

A guy that can't be bothered to take the 2.5 seconds it takes to tell you your beautiful each day is leaving you wide open to appreciate the guy at the store that CAN manage that brief moment to stop and acknowledge you. Not saying, its cause for cheating... I'm saying... it lends itself to one seeking confirmation from outside sources that they still got it, which can start with innocent flirting but can teeter into more dangerous territory, especially where one partner is feeling terribly emotionally neglected.

When my bf tells me how pretty I look, even after all this time it puts a smile in my heart and a boost to my mood and helps me feel happy and good about myself all day and I take that positive vibe and throw it on him in ways that makes it worth it to him to make that little tiny effort.

Yeah, I totally agree. It's taken a lot of mentioning, and then finally something awful to happen, for my bf to get a little bit back on track with the romance. I could never get enough of it though, I LOVE romance. It is kind of misleading though isn't it? When a guy starts off the relationship one way, and then gets lazy, or content, whatever you want to call it. I think romance can keep a relationship alive.

[rhiannon34]

Be careful what you wish for, I love romance and compliments too. But that is all my bf seems to do, over and over. "you're so beautiful", "you're so hot", "you're so amazing", "you're the best ever". CONSTANTLY! I should consider myself lucky, but it's starting to drive me a little insane right now.

[pretzel]

Yeah, I totally agree. It's taken a lot of mentioning, and then finally something awful to happen, for my bf to get a little bit back on track with the romance. I could never get enough of it though, I LOVE romance. It is kind of misleading though isn't it? When a guy starts off the relationship one way, and then gets lazy, or content, whatever you want to call it. I think romance can keep a relationship alive.

Please explain this to my wife. It goes both ways.

[PandaPaws]

Be careful what you wish for, I love romance and compliments too. But that is all my bf seems to do, over and over. "you're so beautiful", "you're so hot", "you're so amazing", "you're the best ever". CONSTANTLY! I should consider myself lucky, but it's starting to drive me a little insane right now.

Yeah, I guess I can kind of see your point... but I think you should consider yourself very lucky. The guy clearly adores you, you don't have to constantly wonder, or feel like you're not enough for him. Hang on to that guy!