[holetoledo]

My boyfriend is a one-day-at-a-time kind of guy who is also open to possibilities, but for some reason whenever he talks about the future, he doesn't say "if we got married" or "if we had kids"; rather, he'd start a conversation with "if my wife..." or "when I have kids..." (ex: he was talking about how he would hate to invite his family to his wedding and have them "meet my wife" because "they'll all be drunk"). I understand that he's young and he probably doesn't want to think so far ahead, and he's very practical and isn't into daydreaming about certain things like having a family (with me). He also mentions places where he'd like to live in the future, but I think he means by himself or sometimes he mentions something like "if I ever wanted to raise a family, I think I'd move to Canada to do that." But he does say things like "I think we'll last a pretty long time." I'm just trying to make some sense out of how he thinks.

I want to have a family some day, too, but to be honest I always daydream about it being with him.

Perhaps the way we think about the future, individually, is a clue as to how long this relationship will last? I don't know. I guess I'm just a pessimist?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

he's very practical

"if I ever wanted to raise a family, I think I'd move to Canada to do that."

We are humans think differently, one can think pratical, the other non-pratical.. Then there's women verses men, all women dream, see the picket fence when young and tend to see their partner as "it", "the one"...

The fact that he states " I think I'd move to Canada" mean in my opinion, it's in his thought pattern, if you last the distance together (pratical), he's also sharing that's what he wants, so he's checking also if that dream can be shared.

Pratical thinking is, youth, a relationship, we get on really well, we should last the distance, but you know, not everyone does, as they grow every 4 - 5 years, people change, their goals, their dreams and themselves, in that, anything can happen.

I never forgot my first love and I don't think people do.. I definately found better But, my second love was for 4 years and I did love him, until I turned 21.. I changed, matured and he didn't. I didn't like the way he lived anymore, I had dreams, visions, aspirations, goals, he didn't... We grew apart therefore and I moved on.

So I think your boyfriend is just being "pratical", he thinks with logic but he's not for one minite, "being with you thinking of a different wife to be"... He's causious in the knowledge that anything can happen and at least sharing what his dream location would be, testing you if you will, on if that suits you as well, if you two do make it to that level, one day in the future...

Remember, a woman is automatically in love, comfortable, sees the picket fense... That's also why often women settle, and get it wrong and leave a marriage later down the track...

Just always be sure when that day comes that he is everything that you want. In the meantime, enjoy your relationship and don't put obsitcles up such as fear, because we all find pretty much what we are looking for in life, if we go with the flow of whom we have chosen with our eyes open and in the knowing of what we want out of life, and who we are..

CW

[holetoledo]

thank you, cw. another reason why i want to know how he thinks is because of what you mentioned, that a woman is automatically in love. he does things so cautiously and even when we first started the relationship he told me to slow down because i was moving too fast. and i was a little upset that he would say that to me but then after taking his advice i found that it was very comfortable to slow down, to not think about the future too much, but it's as though the things that society and culture has imprinted on me for 22 years is always waging a war inside my head. i'm at the point in my life where a lot of my friends are getting engaged, married, having kids. i'm nowhere near that point but when i look at them i find myself struggling with this sense of longing... and i find myself chiding myself because i feel i'm not at that stage. it's just nice to look at, though, and imagine.

[holetoledo]

especially since we've only been dating for a year heh. i definitely don't want to think about marrying anyone after dating someone for just a year. maybe ten lol.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

lol's.

Now see, that's the whole reason for the thread.... Your friends are, so your now worried.

Your correct 1 year is not enough time, to know for sure that you both are growing in the same direction, have the same dreams and goals and an amazing bond. It is enough, to get the jist of it, to see possibilities, to feel comfortable, to be a good way there though...

Do you know (as an old woman ) how many of my friends married young and are divorced? Because they just simply married the first person, pressure, it's expected, age.....

And, alot of them, gave up any goals, dreams, with careers and had children immediately and then when it all fell apart, couldn't even get part time jobs, had nothing but kids, and a bit of welfare.

Be smart, and consider everything, be happy and in love and just grow sweet.

PS 10 years is TOO LONG .... Hope your at least living with him by then

CW

[holetoledo]

lol!! At least if it's ten years I'd be sure, I'd know I'm set.

I talked to him a little about this and of course his answer was very practical: "Women have biological clocks okay? Men can impregnate someone their entire lives. Women are limited."

Even though that can explain a lot, I can't just settle for that one answer...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well, that's logical

But, that's saying " women's aim is marriage/children not to miss out"... " men can take their time to find their partner for life"

So men are looking for a partner for life.
Women are looking for a father to their child.

Tell him, your not looking for a father for your child but also a partner for life and you can also take your time, at least 15 more years, so that's not logical

[holetoledo]

Thank you, CW, you've been such a big help This issue has been bothering me for so long!

[prawnprincess]

On the other hand, if a guy doesn't want to talk about the future after a year, IMO not much is going to change down the road. If he doesn't know that he wants you in his future yet (or at least doesn't say it), then do you want to wait around for him to decide that he wants you in his future? I was in the same position and it took 2 1/2 years for me to get the message. I know your situation may be different, but this is just food for thought.

[holetoledo]

Thanks. Even though it hurts to think about, I will also take that into account.