Sorry this is a novel, but I could really use some help... especially from anybody who's been through trying to trust again. :/
My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months. From the beginning it was, for lack of a better phrase, too good to be true. He's smart, good-looking, funny, attentive, and romantic. The conversation is always interesting, and we have a great deal of fun together no matter what we're doing.
I came into our relationship with trust issues. About 2 months into our relationship a girl he'd been friends with for a few years began to text him every morning, every afternoon, every night. She would attempt to flirt, she would invite him over to her house. He never went and never reciprocated, and was always honest about it and how uncomfortable it made him feel. Long story short, I would get very upset whenever she'd contact him, and it led to him deleting her texts and lying to me about them. I cornered him, and he continued to lie but eventually confessed. I realized that I was unfair to him and forgave him under the promise that he was never to lie to me again.
Cut to a couple months later. While with him, he got a text from an ex. I asked him if he'd contacted her, he told me no. I knew he was lying, and things blew up. He finally told me (after continuing lying for close to half an hour) that he'd texted her that morning to see what she was doing the next day because he wanted to catch up "as friends" (I still don't know if I believe that). I was furious that he lied, but I knew how much I cared about him and didn't want to let it go. Again, those meaningless promises.
After that incident, things got tremendously better. I really worked on myself, and the trust aspect of our relationship improved. We were really happy. We talked about it a lot, and about how happy he was with the improvements I'd made and how hard I was trying to trust him.
I work at a movie theater, sometimes until 1:30 am. From about 11pm until then, I don't have much to do... so I decided to drive to his apartment (he gave me a key because he wanted me to be able to stop by whenever). I walk in the door, and the first thing I see is a purse on the floor. He comes out of his bedroom and just says hello to me like nothing's going on. Then out walks this woman. She was older than us (31) and married.
I was pretty shocked and confused, since he'd promised me that no girls would ever be in his apartment alone with him, and definitely not at all without my knowledge. So she went into the bathroom and I hissed at him that she needed to get out immediately. She left. And guess what? He starts to yell at me for being upset. He was mean and angry and a completely different person than the one I knew. So I walked out.
Later that night he drove to my theater to "try" to work it out. I was crushed, hurt, and broken... I told him I love him for the first time. He said he works with her, that they were just friends, and she was coming over so he could burn her a CD since she was undergoing surgery the next morning. I asked to see the texts in his phone, he told me he deleted them. I looked for her name in his contacts, it wasn't there. He then told me it was because she was in his phone as "Mike" so I wouldn't ask questions about it. I was naturally furious, and again he began to yell at me and insult me so I told him he needed to leave.
That next morning I stopped by his apartment to give him his key and pick up some of my things that were still in his apartment. We ended up talking and I gave him the opportunity to tell me the truth about everything, to give us another chance. He told me that he texted his ex that night. I asked him if he talked to the woman, he said no. We were sitting there talking and who texts him? The woman. Asking how he slept. He put his phone down and I asked him to respond to her, since that was a strange question to ask if they hadn't spoken since she left. She then said "I can't believe I sent those". I asked him what (even though I obviously knew already). He said he didn't know. I asked him if they were pictures, he said he couldn't remember. I then told him that if he was that confused he might as well ask her, and he came clean and said they were pictures of her breasts.
This was news. How does a "platonic" relationship escalate into nude pictures in the space of 3 hours? It doesn't. He wouldn't be honest so I left again, for about a week. He tried and tried to contact me, and finally in one phone conversation I lost it completely. I admit I was mean, I was condescending, and I was incredibly disrespectful. But it drove him to tell me the truth (at least as it stands now).
They'd met at work in a supervisor meeting about a month before. They started talking and ate lunch together at work a couple times. He told her he didn't have a girlfriend (possibly the most painful part of the entire situation for me... that he could pretend like I didn't exist). When he was with me and wouldn't text her back, he would tell her he was with his mom. He said she flirted a lot, but he never flirted back except when she texted him one morning saying she had a sex dream about him, and he said he did too. He said she'd come over once before to see his new apartment, that they sat in his bed and watched TV for about 15 minutes and then she left, that nothing happened. He said he knew there was a strong possibility she would come on to him the night that I found her there. He also says that he doesn't think he ever would have done anything, but he liked the thrill of the possibility. He admitted that the ex he'd texted came over the night I left and they'd had sex. As far as I know, this is everything. And let me tell you: that hurts like .
I didn't know what to do, I didn't talk to him for a few days. I contacted one of his best friends, a girl who puts her faith in God and love above all else,who's known him for 18 years, and who he respects and loves to death. I told her everything. I didn't know what to do, he wasn't even being himself. He acted like he didn't care what he'd done. She talked to him, and for the first time I saw the emotion in his eyes again. He said that the way our relationship was in the couple months before it got good (it was pretty rocky with my constant suspicion and accustions) had driven him into a place where he just detached emotionally. I do understand that, because it's something I do as well and I have to fight myself to stay out of there. But that's no excuse to do the things he did.
We gave it a little time and I decided that I was strong enough to try again. I don't do well with "what if?"s. So while I felt slightly idiotic for giving him yet another chance, I knew that if it happened again, I could recover, could move on with my life. But living forever with wondering if he really would change? That would hurt more.
Since then, he's done everything in his power to reassure me that he's being faithful. There have been several times that he's crossed paths with her at work, and he immediately calls me. There were a few times right off the bat that she texted him, ****ed that she didn't get her CD, and he immediately thrust his phone into my hand and asked me what I wanted him to do. He told her he never wants to see or speak to her again, that she means nothing to him. He lets me know whenever he's working with a girl and has made an effort to bring me to get-togethers and introduces me to them, tells them how happy he is with me.
I needed to know what was different. He said that before this happened, he knew he loved me but he thought I didn't care (I'm not quite as open emotionally as he is) and tried to step back. He said that he didn't really think I cared if I had him in my life or not. He said he didn't take us seriously, because he always thought I'd leave. When we had our week or two of not really talking I had some things that I needed to ask and drove to his work. The way the office is, I can hear them long before they can see me. One of his coworkers was confessing that while his wife was away in India, he'd been having an affair. My boyfriend was incredibly upset, and was telling this guy that he needed to end the affair, and be honest with his wife. He went on to talk about what happened with us, saying it was the biggest mistake he'd ever made in his life just because he was too afraid to see that I was the only thing he'd ever want, that honestly and loyalty are the most important things.
It's been about 2 months since all of this happened, and I still don't trust him. Some days I'm so disgusted by it that I can't even hold his hand, I just have to leave. But the rest of the time, it's the same as before... we're happy when we're together. We understand each other and I can always count on him to help me figure out tough things in my life, to be a sounding board and a support system. But I go in and out of trusting him. Some days I feel like he's just a jerk, trying to play me. That I'll end up years down the road finding out that none of this was real, that there were always girls on the side. I see the difference in him, and it helps being able to say openly that we love each other. But I don't trust it.
I don't want to just abandon it and run away out of fear. But am I being an idiot? Is it worth even sticking around to find out?
My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months. From the beginning it was, for lack of a better phrase, too good to be true. He's smart, good-looking, funny, attentive, and romantic. The conversation is always interesting, and we have a great deal of fun together no matter what we're doing.
I came into our relationship with trust issues. About 2 months into our relationship a girl he'd been friends with for a few years began to text him every morning, every afternoon, every night. She would attempt to flirt, she would invite him over to her house. He never went and never reciprocated, and was always honest about it and how uncomfortable it made him feel. Long story short, I would get very upset whenever she'd contact him, and it led to him deleting her texts and lying to me about them. I cornered him, and he continued to lie but eventually confessed. I realized that I was unfair to him and forgave him under the promise that he was never to lie to me again.
Cut to a couple months later. While with him, he got a text from an ex. I asked him if he'd contacted her, he told me no. I knew he was lying, and things blew up. He finally told me (after continuing lying for close to half an hour) that he'd texted her that morning to see what she was doing the next day because he wanted to catch up "as friends" (I still don't know if I believe that). I was furious that he lied, but I knew how much I cared about him and didn't want to let it go. Again, those meaningless promises.
After that incident, things got tremendously better. I really worked on myself, and the trust aspect of our relationship improved. We were really happy. We talked about it a lot, and about how happy he was with the improvements I'd made and how hard I was trying to trust him.
I work at a movie theater, sometimes until 1:30 am. From about 11pm until then, I don't have much to do... so I decided to drive to his apartment (he gave me a key because he wanted me to be able to stop by whenever). I walk in the door, and the first thing I see is a purse on the floor. He comes out of his bedroom and just says hello to me like nothing's going on. Then out walks this woman. She was older than us (31) and married.
I was pretty shocked and confused, since he'd promised me that no girls would ever be in his apartment alone with him, and definitely not at all without my knowledge. So she went into the bathroom and I hissed at him that she needed to get out immediately. She left. And guess what? He starts to yell at me for being upset. He was mean and angry and a completely different person than the one I knew. So I walked out.
Later that night he drove to my theater to "try" to work it out. I was crushed, hurt, and broken... I told him I love him for the first time. He said he works with her, that they were just friends, and she was coming over so he could burn her a CD since she was undergoing surgery the next morning. I asked to see the texts in his phone, he told me he deleted them. I looked for her name in his contacts, it wasn't there. He then told me it was because she was in his phone as "Mike" so I wouldn't ask questions about it. I was naturally furious, and again he began to yell at me and insult me so I told him he needed to leave.
That next morning I stopped by his apartment to give him his key and pick up some of my things that were still in his apartment. We ended up talking and I gave him the opportunity to tell me the truth about everything, to give us another chance. He told me that he texted his ex that night. I asked him if he talked to the woman, he said no. We were sitting there talking and who texts him? The woman. Asking how he slept. He put his phone down and I asked him to respond to her, since that was a strange question to ask if they hadn't spoken since she left. She then said "I can't believe I sent those". I asked him what (even though I obviously knew already). He said he didn't know. I asked him if they were pictures, he said he couldn't remember. I then told him that if he was that confused he might as well ask her, and he came clean and said they were pictures of her breasts.
This was news. How does a "platonic" relationship escalate into nude pictures in the space of 3 hours? It doesn't. He wouldn't be honest so I left again, for about a week. He tried and tried to contact me, and finally in one phone conversation I lost it completely. I admit I was mean, I was condescending, and I was incredibly disrespectful. But it drove him to tell me the truth (at least as it stands now).
They'd met at work in a supervisor meeting about a month before. They started talking and ate lunch together at work a couple times. He told her he didn't have a girlfriend (possibly the most painful part of the entire situation for me... that he could pretend like I didn't exist). When he was with me and wouldn't text her back, he would tell her he was with his mom. He said she flirted a lot, but he never flirted back except when she texted him one morning saying she had a sex dream about him, and he said he did too. He said she'd come over once before to see his new apartment, that they sat in his bed and watched TV for about 15 minutes and then she left, that nothing happened. He said he knew there was a strong possibility she would come on to him the night that I found her there. He also says that he doesn't think he ever would have done anything, but he liked the thrill of the possibility. He admitted that the ex he'd texted came over the night I left and they'd had sex. As far as I know, this is everything. And let me tell you: that hurts like .
I didn't know what to do, I didn't talk to him for a few days. I contacted one of his best friends, a girl who puts her faith in God and love above all else,who's known him for 18 years, and who he respects and loves to death. I told her everything. I didn't know what to do, he wasn't even being himself. He acted like he didn't care what he'd done. She talked to him, and for the first time I saw the emotion in his eyes again. He said that the way our relationship was in the couple months before it got good (it was pretty rocky with my constant suspicion and accustions) had driven him into a place where he just detached emotionally. I do understand that, because it's something I do as well and I have to fight myself to stay out of there. But that's no excuse to do the things he did.
We gave it a little time and I decided that I was strong enough to try again. I don't do well with "what if?"s. So while I felt slightly idiotic for giving him yet another chance, I knew that if it happened again, I could recover, could move on with my life. But living forever with wondering if he really would change? That would hurt more.
Since then, he's done everything in his power to reassure me that he's being faithful. There have been several times that he's crossed paths with her at work, and he immediately calls me. There were a few times right off the bat that she texted him, ****ed that she didn't get her CD, and he immediately thrust his phone into my hand and asked me what I wanted him to do. He told her he never wants to see or speak to her again, that she means nothing to him. He lets me know whenever he's working with a girl and has made an effort to bring me to get-togethers and introduces me to them, tells them how happy he is with me.
I needed to know what was different. He said that before this happened, he knew he loved me but he thought I didn't care (I'm not quite as open emotionally as he is) and tried to step back. He said that he didn't really think I cared if I had him in my life or not. He said he didn't take us seriously, because he always thought I'd leave. When we had our week or two of not really talking I had some things that I needed to ask and drove to his work. The way the office is, I can hear them long before they can see me. One of his coworkers was confessing that while his wife was away in India, he'd been having an affair. My boyfriend was incredibly upset, and was telling this guy that he needed to end the affair, and be honest with his wife. He went on to talk about what happened with us, saying it was the biggest mistake he'd ever made in his life just because he was too afraid to see that I was the only thing he'd ever want, that honestly and loyalty are the most important things.
It's been about 2 months since all of this happened, and I still don't trust him. Some days I'm so disgusted by it that I can't even hold his hand, I just have to leave. But the rest of the time, it's the same as before... we're happy when we're together. We understand each other and I can always count on him to help me figure out tough things in my life, to be a sounding board and a support system. But I go in and out of trusting him. Some days I feel like he's just a jerk, trying to play me. That I'll end up years down the road finding out that none of this was real, that there were always girls on the side. I see the difference in him, and it helps being able to say openly that we love each other. But I don't trust it.
I don't want to just abandon it and run away out of fear. But am I being an idiot? Is it worth even sticking around to find out?
. LOTS of hard work from both partners is needed, and patience. Hang in there.
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