[stella5]

Let's talk in hypotheticals for a minute.

Suppose you've been seeing somebody for a bit over two months. You text a lot, have a great time when you go out, he seems to care about your general well-being, and the sex is amazing. You're a one-at-a-time kind of girl, meaning that although it is seemingly socially acceptable to date multiple people at once when you're just dating, that's not generally how you roll.

Now you come to find out that the guy you're seeing has had a few casual hook-ups during the time you've been dating. What would your reaction be on a pain/anger scale of 1-10, 1 being the responsiveness of a coma patient, 10 being in the mode of Tiger Woods' Wife?

Thanks!

[WildChild]

If you haven't talked and agreed to a monogamous relationship then my assumption would be that you are both free to see other people. If you have been having unprotected sex, you better get tested and discuss that. If you agree to have unprotected sex with each other but have not agreed to be exclusive then you both MUST use protection with ALL other partners at ALL times.

[LanaBear]

You can't assume regarding relationship status. YOU may be a one at a time girl/relationship, however, he may not be or at least may not be until the two of you have had 'the talk' and have agreed to be exclusive. Like WC said, until both of you have talked and agreed to a monogamous relationship, well, then both of you should be free to see other people.

Get tested and have the talk if you are wanting to be exclusive. If you don't talk about it and still continue, status quo, then you will just continue to be angry over it.

[Guest]

A man's perspective....

That depends....

Depends on what or was not discussed from the get go. Sounds like one hypothetical party assumed/wanted to be exclusive and the other didn't. BIG mistake.
Also sounds like a lack of communication between the two parties.

I don't really see where there is any room for any "reaction" other than surprise on your part....since nothing was discussed.

I would certainly approach things differently now then I did in the past, that's for sure.

Even in this "hypothetical" situation you've described, you have to LOOK OUT FOR NUMBER ONE....YOU and protect yourself from harm...period.

[caterpillar79]

If there was not agreement of exclusivity, I won't feel any pain, pity or anger of some sort. I'd re-evaluate how I do it myself and might consider going out with more people and see what's out there. Casual dating or better put, Circular Dating doesn't mean you have to sleep with the guy/s you go out with - it's simply the opposite. It's just going out and having wholesome fun in their company while getting to know them better. That way, you could really choose who suits you best.

One BIG mistake that we do as women is that we rely too much on how we feel about the guy, which blurs the voice of reason, and the eyes of truth, myself included.

I would say feel how you are feeling right now, ("hypothetically"), and let the emotion run its course. Do not pressure the guy unto anything, instead, focus on YOU. GO out on your own, enjoy your friends' company - male/female, join hobby classes - painting, photography, pottery - anything that would help you NOT focus unto him alone.

[Hopeless Dork]

No doubt it would sting a bit... but it wouldn't be justfied when you look at it logically. Its important to communicate... especially once you start having sex, you don't have to know if the other person see's you as a 'girlfriend' but its perfectly acceptable to ask if they are seeing/persuing anyone else at the moment. Especially if you plan on being intimate. A lot of women don't want to have sex with a guy while he's dating others so be sure to know up front going into the sexual aspect if he's keeping his options open or not.

[stella5]

follow up question

Thank you for your kind advice. As a follow-up, a few weeks into this..whatever it is...I may or may not have said in passing that I'm a one-at-a-time girl and I asked him if he was dating anybody else. He said no and asked me if that's how I wanted it to be. I said yes. Now, I realize that was really early to even bring this up, it sort of came up as part of a different conversation, so I'm not sure that it counts as "the talk" especially since neither one of us really specifically agreed to not see other people. But I feel like it was kind of implied, and maybe it's ok for me to be a little upset about this because he kind of knows where I stand on these things. Or am I just letting my feelings for him sort of interfere with a logical interpretation of the situation?

thanks!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It's funny, we're dating and we let the man know only after a few weeks that we are off the market, he has us exclusively yet, it's only dating, a relationship hasn't been formed yet, great chemistry and chats, possibly mostly, sexual... Automatically, on most accounts, the thrill of the chase is gone.. there is no need to ensure that your his.... It's not a card I would play in future personally until you know he himself is smitten and not just "great sex"....

If "he" told you he has had a few hookups, then the is letting you know that he is not going to enter into a committed relationship with you in my opinion, however, keep you as the "main" person he sees...

Is that what you want?

I'd be angry at myself for allowing myself to be exclusive without properly going through the courting stage and ensuring that this was boyfriend material...

And, the moment I found out there were others I'd stop sleeping with him.....

CW

[Hopeless Dork]

When a dating situation turns into a sexual situation between a couple of people getting to know each other its important to leave nothing to assumptions... "I assume she's on birth control" " I assume he's disease-free"... its your life, its your emotional health as well as physical.. so its important to get clear answers. Of course the person answering can lie... but thats a whole other barrel of monkeys.

Its not enough to ask are you seeing anyone else... because that answer only pertains to the present, if the answer is no, it would be important to ask if they are keeping themsleves open to dating others. If the answer is yes, you know you do not have someone that is looking for something monogomous. If the answer is no, while you are still maybe not in a serious relationship.. you at least know that while you guys are getting to kinow each other, you are going to not be seeing/sleeping with others.

A lot of people will only be as forthcoming as you as you ask. Are you seeing someone else? No (not tonight anyway) could be their answer the parenthesis is what might be on their mind, don't leave it up to guess work.. and assumptions, you never know how someone feels or thinks til you ask.

If its important to you that the man you are sleeping with be committed to you, its best to not sleep with them until you have that commitment, not just implied but directly said " I am not looking for anyone else" or " I am happy with you , I don't want to see other people" very specific responses... 'nah, I haven't been seeing anyone else' is not really specific about their intentions.

You are "entitled" to be as upset as you naturally feel. Those are your feelings... you can be upset with him, you can decide he's not the man for you.. or you can decide to move forward being more honest about what you want out of him and asking him to be more honest about what he wants too.

[annalove11]

If you haven't talked and agreed to a monogamous relationship then my assumption would be that you are both free to see other people. That depends...