[Ashlee T.]

You're so new to each other, as you've said - this might be a bit of a learning curve, both getting to know each other's nuances, so he still needs to learn when you need a bit more, and he can let you know when he's honestly too busy to connect meaningfully so you can mentally prepare for those days without feeling like WTH????

Yep. After his night out last week and what happened, he told me the next day when he was apologizing, that " I'm not always going to do things the way you think is right.....I will make mistakes and I'll learn from them". And like CW said, this time, him texting me he probably considered that to be the right thing to do. And it's not that it wasn't, it's just the content of what he was saying was so short and seemed so distant.

I've made the mistake in the past of not seeing red flags, of giving someone TOO much benefit of the doubt, and later finding out they truly weren't worth it. When stuff like this happens, I not only feel insecure about the relationship (how does he REALLY feel about me?) but also about my own feelings (Am I overreacting? OR Am I putting blinders on and missing red flags?) These are the types of things I don't want to call venting to my friends about, because I don't want them to get a negative view of him if it is indeed something I am overreacting about. That's why I love you guys so much!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

If only, we went about all early relationships being assertive

It covers everything.... Your strong, secure, and your attitude is, if he's the one, great, if not, it's cool.. And, it keeps them on their toes as well, always wondering whilst feeling the love and commitment and in addition, no one is stressed as they get to know each other.

The first weeks, it's passion in the groin and belly as you are sexed up and start to gain feelings, then fear sets in huh....

That fear, creates in-securities which creates, missing those flags, or seeing ones that don't exist......

Yet, knowing what your after in life and going with the flow, allows you to see, more clearly...Assertiveness...

CW

[Ashlee T.]

Tell me about it CW. I've been so cool in this relationship until the past couple weeks. It's like a lightswitch went off and suddenly I'm scare of being fooled, of being hurt...........even though I know it wouldn't be the end of the world if that happened. And then comes the big part, which is exactly what you said....am I missing important flags or creating ones that don't exist? That's the part I struggle with the most....is being able to tell the difference.

[Texinator]

I can seem quiet and withdrawn when I'm under a lot of stress and I might want more time to myself then. Actually, I'll go through a little phase every now and then when I need more "me" time. It's just my way of recharging, if you will.

Nevertheless, I'd also let you know what's going on, reassure you that everything is alright, and note that I'm not trying to push you away. Communication is extremely important, and I know I don't like it when someone has a drastic change in behavior without explaining themselves.

I do appreciate it when someone respects my need for a little space some time and it actually makes me more eager then to talk or spend time.

[Texinator]

You know, sometimes it helps to read again what you wrote but to detach yourself for a moment and pretend that someone else had written all that. If it were someone else in that situation, what would be your advice to them?

[lizzardb63]

I went through what you're going through a few weeks ago. My boyfriend went away for 10 days on a hunting trip. It took him 5 days to even call me and he texted me VERY briefly. I had the same gut feelings and paranoia, even though I knew they were probably rediclulous. The only advice I would have for you is to keep yourself busy, go out with friends to keep your mind of it and just let him have his space until he gets back. There is nothing wrong with sending a good morning text, but if he seems that busy then that's all I'd do. It sounds he tries to get ahold of you when he can. Once he gets back and you still feel weird about it, maybe you'll have to sit down and talk about where your relationship is and where you think it will be heading. I was once told that it is healthy for a couple to sit down every 6 months to talk about where the relationship is/going and how they each feel about it. It's a great way to get your feelings out there, because HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY.

[Ashlee T.]

Thanks lizzard. I actually thought of you during this because I remember your recent post...and the advice I tried to give you.

Tex.... I did what you said. What I tell most people is to try to think with an open mind, not to think only the worst........but to ultimately listen to your gut instinct. And also to know that your happiness does not ride on your SO. My gut instinct wasn't that he was doing anything bad/wrong.....it was just that what he was doing was harboring insecurity in me whether warranted or not. I've got to figure out how to let myself have feelings for someone, and not also be scared to death of them at the same time.

[kygirl]

Tell me about it CW. I've been so cool in this relationship until the past couple weeks. It's like a lightswitch went off and suddenly I'm scare of being fooled, of being hurt...........even though I know it wouldn't be the end of the world if that happened. And then comes the big part, which is exactly what you said....am I missing important flags or creating ones that don't exist? That's the part I struggle with the most....is being able to tell the difference.

I think that is always the hard part BD. THere is always a learning curve. As someone who is still occassionally going out on dates without any real success, I understand the dating frustration. I truly hate the way I feel all the time wondering what is going on and stressing myself out. It's like even if you are a smart girl who knows better, you still do it to yourself. I also think that sometimes it gets hard after people say things and don't mean them like "let's do it again" or "things are great" etc to start to get a bit anxious.

As the eternal optimist, I think you just have to trust people until they prove you wrong. It's hard and at times it makes you want to scream and throw in the towel, but I think in time, it really does make more sense to be that way. From what I've read, this guy does seem to care and has not done anything majorly stupid yet So if you like him and he likes you, then give him the benefit. If you don't have trust, you don't have much.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

am I missing important flags or creating ones that don't exist? That's the part I struggle with the most....is being able to tell the difference.

You know, sometimes it helps to read again what you wrote but to detach yourself for a moment and pretend that someone else had written all that. If it were someone else in that situation, what would be your advice to them?

So if you like him and he likes you, then give him the benefit. If you don't have trust, you don't have much.

And, in that, whilst your worrying about if there is a red flag, or are you creating one, thereby "non trust", in addition, your so caught up in the red flag moment, that you CAN'T trust...

So, think about it....Where is that going to leave you?

CW

[Ashlee T.]

So, think about it....Where is that going to leave you?

Nowhere good or productive...I do know that. Negativity of this nature is never good and won't manifest good things. And it certainly won't change fate. It won't change the road....but it will make the road very unpleasant to travel. I'm really working today to overcome these feelings........as I know they haven't truly been warranted by him. This is still a very new relationship....I just need to give it time and promise myself that I will remain aware of the happenings around me, that I will remain in touch with how I am feeling and will not hesitate to end things if I find myself unfulfilled. In the meantime, I need to try let the relationship go in whatever direction it should go, without any forcing it on my part.