[DrearyDrear]

Thanks in advance to all, I tend to read a lot here, but I post very little. I ought to change that a bit.

Some close to three years ago (2008) I asked my boyfriend out, knowing he was older than me (by 8 years, which isn't too much to me). This has never been an issue for me, I tend to mostly relate to older friends. I know he's got his own relationship history, ect ect. I have my own, though I tend to only date long term, so there wasn't as much to it. I seem to be only his second over one year relationship. Albeit, I facepalm every time he starts up with the "I'm old" "I have baggage" ordeal when he's barely in his thirties.

When I first started dating him, I looked up his name, variants of the name, and his known online aliases (in my experience, most people stick with a certain name for a long time). Unless you like technical jargon forums, the only things of interest where his poetry, a couple of gaming/social/journal websites, and his Literotica, for which I could care less what he favorites. Sort of a personal background check. Boring, didn't look into it much.
However, he's going for a T.S. security clearance at the moment, and although I mentioned it before, he finally understood what I meant by the fact he had to give them his personal email addresses, which happen to have these aliases as the default "names" that it sends from. Being a bit of a search engine master, he asked me to spot any of the immediate difficult ones and we fairly quickly got rid of his various old webstuff that while not ing, were a little too full of lovesick poems or favorited erotic fiction to have your potential serious gov't boss browsing through.

And here I hit a snag. One of the online journals mentions waiting for a fiance (probably meant two ee's, though he rarely misspells things) to get home at four AM, written about six years ago. Ok, fine, I know he had at least one long term relationship with a girlfriend end up very very badly, but he never mentioned that part to me. It's not something I've pushed for nor do I blame him for not talking about it, but it does bother me that I had to find out online. I did point it out to him, and his only response was "That was a long time ago". Ok, fine, I know he's not hiding a marriage or anything like my own parents seem to think he is, but that information could have been useful in getting them to drop that. They've been stuck on the idea for a while, had I had that sort of info, it would have saved me a lot of grief between my parents, myself, and my boyfriend, but instead after dealing with their nagging for two years. They could have understood the fact that we are not rushing anywhere because of a past hurt if that sort of information was available to me. It is really obvious I was never intended to find this information.

Privately, he's told me he thinks that marriage is a stupid institution set up to simply give people rules (but also complains how several of his previous girlfriends cheated and/or left him for his friends). Personally, the whole ceremonial thing is too much for me, but having the legal system security in place for financial needs and/or hospital rights, for the idea of partnership, and for being confident enough to state "this is my partner, rawr" are all things that I would be happy to participate in.

I would love to sit down with him and figure out what he expects from me and what I expect from him in this relationship, but at the moment, I am waiting for the post-graduation and just got a new job stresses to fade.

Anyways, TL;DR, Would anyone else be at least a bit hurt to have found out about their long term dating partner's previous engagement (even if it did not result in marriage) via the internet? Even if this isn't something that would affect your relationship if they just bothered to tell you and you wouldn't have pushed about after knowing anyways?

[jns]

I don't see it being a big deal for him, just something he wants to forget. His only talking about a time that was for him is good. His ex is solidly in the past. It is probably something he doesn't really want to talk about. Do you want him to relive the pain of finding out she was not the one? When was the journal piece written?

[DrearyDrear]

This was written about five or six years ago, while I have been dating him for three, and written in a rather public place. While I'm not interested in talking to him about it, he has commonly started talking about what his exes (tasted like/did in bed/ect) while we are busy in bed, which rather promptly turns my interest off much to his frustration, which makes it odd that it did not ever appear before. It's also the fact that in one of his ramblings (about my friends' wedding we went to this fall) he had told me he had never met anyone he wished to marry. He's had a few of these "I would never" and then at some point he slips or something that becomes "oh gee, there was that one time, but I don't think that counts because we broke up" that gets under my skin.

[jns]

This was written about five or six years ago, while I have been dating him for three, and written in a rather public place. While I'm not interested in talking to him about it, he has commonly started talking about what his exes (tasted like/did in bed/ect) while we are busy in bed, which rather promptly turns my interest off much to his frustration, which makes it odd that it did not ever appear before. It's also the fact that in one of his ramblings (about my friends' wedding we went to this fall) he had told me he had never met anyone he wished to marry. He's had a few of these "I would never" and then at some point he slips or something that becomes "oh gee, there was that one time, but I don't think that counts because we broke up" that gets under my skin.

Sounds like he needs a lot of polishing, he is still in an unfinished state. Does he now realize not to compare you to exes? And to not "forget" that completely about the past?

[DrearyDrear]

He probably is, but I stand that one can only give a little push but not force a change on someone.
I'm not always sure that he realizes he is making comparisons or that it's not exactly up on the politeness scale. It's just random matter of factness that comes out at usually the worse times. Doesn't mean I appriciate it in the slightest, but I don't think it's on purpose either. He tends to not filter his thoughts as to what someone else might not want to hear. Neither does his mom, having met her I learned way more about her private life than I would ever want to, but that's another story.
I get the idea that the "forgetting" tends to be selective, and his answer to my pointing these slips and behaviors up is that he wants to "protect me" from any ugly past he may have. Unfortunately for him, his memory tends to be rather unreliable as to what he has already said and such, so he tends to just muck up things. This would be cute if it was restricted to his common ability to not remember certain things that have been requested (save the date, please be here early, don't forget your dice) It's not so cute when he puts a black and white statement that I suppose is to be reflecting his current views in hindsight, but words it in a way that encompasses his past and future...and then something comes up that contradicts that directly.


He is very typically very kind and incredibly intellegent, but tends to not have a lot of emotional empathy for anything outside of happiness. If someone is sad, he will simply become frustrated that they are sad if he can't find a purely logical reason for it. So his attempts at "protecting" someone from emotional harm tend to do a lot more harm than protection.

Anyways, I think I have a much clearer thought on it, so this thread can go ahead and fade.

[Ashlee T.]

Hmmm......wonder how he would feel if while having sex you started talking about your ex's junk, its size, how it felt, how he used it, etc. ? I have a sneaking suspicion it might be a bit of a turnoff for him.

I think there is a difference between not dwelling on your past, and being blatantly secretive about it. Only you can tell the difference where this guy is concerned. Do you feel he is hiding things from you purposely, or just trying to avoid dwelling on the past? And what has he done to give your parents such a bad idea of him? People from the outside that love us....usually see things a bit clearer than we do when we're in the situation.

[WildChild]

You are with him now, not then. Unless he has a criminal background, children with an ex, or you have plans to combine your finances and he has bad credit - none of this is your business really. Its the past. Exs are exs for a reason. Now if he brings them up at random times that can be inappropriate. My recent ltr ex would just randomly throw out remarks about what a b---h this or that ex was, that kind of thing needs to be addressed.

He has no obligation to give you chapter and verse on his life. Its part of what made him the man you love but it isn't something you need all the details on. He is not responsible for what your parents think. The fact that he asked you to help him search up all this tells you that it registers so low on his scale of importance that he doesn't even remember that it is out there.

[DrearyDrear]

Beautiful, that would be hilarious and I have considered it in retaliation, but my previous sex experiences are not really worth sharing.


To be really short, I have no interest in any information on his exes.
Longer, I wish he kept most of it to himself other than the fact they exist, but for a long while, he really didn't and it was purely his own doing to talk about. I've heard a load about how pretty much every one of his exes either cheated or "got stolen" by a friend of his. I personally did hear one of his friends did make a quiet joke about having to have someone entice me away.

The parents thing is they have to find something to hate about who I date. They've done this with past relationships of mine, though for different reasons. If you can't shut them up immediately, they think they are correct and push and push until they can wreck the relationship. Unfortunately, in other aspects, my parents tend to be fine and I love them, so I can't just decide not to talk to them. I have told them to drop the subject, but it comes up about once every other month with renewed vigor.
The primary argument they have with me is that I've only ever met his mom (once, but I do have her number and address even if she is a few hundred miles away). He moved in with some of his family shortly after we started dating for convenience with grad school, but according to him and confirmed by his close friends, the rest of the family is nuts and cruel toward any of the children's (his generation) friends or dates. So I've never been to where he lives or met anyone besides his mom, whom I do really like, but having it cleared up as reasoning, I respect it and am fine. He should be moving out in a few weeks when the new job feels solid anyways. My parents would rather I got into a fight over religion (which would happen) and just dealt with the cruel family members, because apparently that's what I'm supposed to do.

However, it is the flat "this is a fact about how I feel" remarks that he puts in a way that encompasses past, present, and future, and then at some point slips and goes "oh yeah. I guess I did do that at least once" or randomly changes his stance. Those are the major headache. Bad memory or not, some of that should not have been on the things he forgot about list.

I suppose in the end, it's less about the finding of the existence of the ex, but more these all-encompassing "facts" which he carries on about, commonly viewpoints that either I feel very strongly about one way or if only because they affect what I think of our general partnership, and then turn out to be false. Riding back from a friend's wedding, which while chaotic and unorganized, was sweet, and somewhat talking about what I thought was nice. Having that met with "well, I think marriage is a stupid institution that goes against biology, and I have never dated or met anyone I had any interest in forming such a relationship with. And if you have any thoughts of it with me, you can forget it because it won't happen". Alright, I felt a little insulted, especially as I felt I had expressed that I would eventually like to have a strong partnership with such a legal backing, even if not right now. To find out about the ex-fiancee then left me feeling rather crushed in comparison to this statement.
I apologize if I sound like a grammar/wording stickler, but there's a major difference between stating that one feels they aren't interested in the idea, which leaves room for having once been, and stating they have never been. Had he stated he had thought about it before but decided otherwise, I wouldn't have an issue at all. But he's made the same statement more than once since the first time around, commonly out of the blue.

That took me way too long to type. XD

[Hopeless Dork]

Men can be funky talking about past relationships... I never ask my boyfriend of 3 years about his past... I just don't care to know and I know my past relationships are pretty irrelevent to me so I expect the same line of thinking from him. He had mentioned before to me one time that I was his first serious relationship and that made me feel pretty good as he is also my first serious relationship as an adult. Inadvertantly we have crossed pasts with one of his exes and i found out he was with her longer than he has been with me.... i was pretty floored since I didn't expect that, given that he had said I was his first serious relationship.

Upon probing he explained to me that his feelings for her weren't like they are for me, and thats what he meant. Bleah, who knows why they omit things like that. Probably for the same reason some women only count the number of sex partners they've had from RELATIONSHIPs.. and some how forget to add up one night stands , etc lol.

I think the bottom line is men and women will often genuinly forget about someone from their past if they weren't signficant to them, or if they were... but they fought hard to forget their exsistence. They will often leave out or deny talking about people or events that don't shine them in the best light... either to protect you from something that might hurt your feelings or to protect themself from feeling 'judged' by any decision they may have made prior to meeting you.

If i were you I wouldn't sweat this. Had he journaled about his ex while you guys were still together it would concern me.. but it sounds like this is a case of a past ghost popping up that he'd rather have forgotten about. Just move on. Its like him finding some love note you wrote about some guy in 9th grade and feeling betrayed that you never told him of this boyfriend or this note, or way you felt. He may have called her a fiance because they were serious at the time, and maybe he had hopes to marry.. and then when they came crashing down for whatever reason perhaps he decided to wipe that part of history from his mind, therefore making it irrelevent to share with you.

[bloodsexandbooze]

This was written about five or six years ago, while I have been dating him for three, and written in a rather public place. While I'm not interested in talking to him about it, he has commonly started talking about what his exes (tasted like/did in bed/ect) while we are busy in bed, which rather promptly turns my interest off much to his frustration, which makes it odd that it did not ever appear before. It's also the fact that in one of his ramblings (about my friends' wedding we went to this fall) he had told me he had never met anyone he wished to marry. He's had a few of these "I would never" and then at some point he slips or something that becomes "oh gee, there was that one time, but I don't think that counts because we broke up" that gets under my skin.

Him not mentioning being engaged... I'd be a little disappointed about finding it online and that he wasn't just open and upfront about that, but then some people just don't feel it relevent or important to bring up. So it's understandable, I guess.

However, talking about his exes in that way is just weird. My boyfriend and I are really open with each other (we talk about everything) but we'd never talk about how our exes tasted/what they did because, well, you don't wanna think about your partner doing those things with someone else, whether it was in the past or not :| it's just odd.