[LadyPinky]

I posted this a couple months ago but a few things have changed and I still need advice.

Ok so my boyfriend and I have bin together for a year and a half. We are both 24 (ill be 25 this month) living at home. I work two jobs one full time and one part time he works nights and goes to school full time. I just applied to grad school online so I can keep working both jobs and get my masters. We see each other a couple of times a week. Mainly when I go over to see him at his dads house were he lives. Mainly cause we can have more alone time there, both my parents are retired and are home full time were as his dad works. We ive about 45 mintues apart from each other, which driving there and back in one day is starting to wear on me with the two jobs and all.


The main issue Im having in I want to take our realtionship to the next level and move in together. I make enough that I can make it work on my own, and when I told him of my plans to move out of the rents, he basicly paniced and told me to wait for him. After ranting and raveing about how I should move closer to him, and I replied with well maybe we should move in together now and solve the problem and he clammed up. So I gave him some space until he wanted to talk about more.


Now talking about it more we have plans to get engaged this summer but then when I asked and we would move in together he said well not until the summer after maybe. I dont wanna be enagaged to him but still living with my parents. I think we are ready and can do it together but he still seems iffy. I know he wants to be with me and live with me. But I think basicly he is comfty were he is not paying rent and spending all his money his car while Im saveing for us to buy a house some day or whatever. He knows how I feel about him spending all his money on the car.


He is the one Im meant to be with I know it in my heart. I lay awake a night alone thinking how we could be together and see each other every day instead of a couple times a week. Advice andy would be great please.

[KMonte85]

I think it is odd that he would agree to get engaged this summer, but still on the fence about moving in together (unless he's morally against co-habitation before marriage, that is).

So he seems comfortable staying at his dad's place and spending his money on his car. You've told him you wanted to move out of your parents' home, he paniced and told you to wait for him. You've asked him to move in with you and he clams up and gets 'weird' about it. So must you sit at mommy and daddy's house until your boyfriend finally feels ready for the responsibility of living independantly?

Go get your own place! You know you can afford it, you want to, so DO IT! Don't stay in a living situation you're not happy with because your boyfriend doesn't want you to live alone without him, but also doesn't want to commit to moving in together. If anything, by moving out on your own, you're going to be proving to yourself AND HIM that you're ready to enter the wonderful world of adulthood, so maybe he'll take the leap too.

[pretzel]

Km, don't usually disagree with you (except when it comes to football) but here I think I do. Personally, just because you can afford to move out doesn't necessarily mean she should. Putting the added pressures of running a house (or apartment) on top of her work schedule and school schedule could easily run her down to a point where one or the other suffers. Sometimes we have to compromise on things we may want in order to keep one's sanity.

On the matter of the OP's bf not wanting to move in together but is willing to get engaged is something I'm not thrilled about, but at the same time, not too upset either. For the reasons I just stated, he may feel best to live with his dad to take away that added pressure. If I were the OP, I'd tell her bf that his spending his money on his car needs to be re-thought and that it's time to start saving for their future. If this were one of my kids, this would probably be my advice.

[KMonte85]

LOL that's okay pretz, no problem with agreeing to disagree!

It seems the OP thinks she's ready to live on her own. I suppose I didn't think twice about it, as I also worked and went to school and lived on my own with no problem... granted I only had 1 job, so that is less pressure. But you're definitely correct that this needs to be thought about SERIOUSLY as to whether it is a viable option, one shouldn't just move out because they want the freedom, it is a serious decision to make.. If the OP thinks it is right for her, thinks she can handle the additional responsibilities, then I say - go for it!

If Mr. Future Fiance doesn't want to move out on his own (for either responsible or irresponsible reasons), that's okay. It's his decision to make! But he should be upfront about why, not skirt around the issue with her, especially if he plans to propose soon. He should also support her in her decision, and not panic because he doesn't want her to live on her own without him, as he made it seem. I agree that his money being spent on his car is frivolous, but at this point - it is his money to do with as he pleases. They only have plans to marry, OP could tell him that she thinks his spending habits need revision, but really she can't tell him what to do with the money he's earned, she can only take a mental note of how her future husband sees fit to handle money, and factor in how that will effect their financial stability in the future!

[pretzel]

LOL that's okay pretz, no problem with agreeing to disagree!

It seems the OP thinks she's ready to live on her own. I suppose I didn't think twice about it, as I also worked and went to school and lived on my own with no problem... granted I only had 1 job, so that is less pressure. But you're definitely correct that this needs to be thought about SERIOUSLY as to whether it is a viable option, one shouldn't just move out because they want the freedom, it is a serious decision to make.. If the OP thinks it is right for her, thinks she can handle the additional responsibilities, then I say - go for it!

If Mr. Future Fiance doesn't want to move out on his own (for either responsible or irresponsible reasons), that's okay. It's his decision to make! But he should be upfront about why, not skirt around the issue with her, especially if he plans to propose soon. He should also support her in her decision, and not panic because he doesn't want her to live on her own without him, as he made it seem. I agree that his money being spent on his car is frivolous, but at this point - it is his money to do with as he pleases. They only have plans to marry, OP could tell him that she thinks his spending habits need revision, but really she can't tell him what to do with the money he's earned, she can only take a mental note of how her future husband sees fit to handle money, and factor in how that will effect their financial stability in the future!

Now that is something I can totally agree with.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Lol's to the above

My ex-husband spent all his money on cars and toy cars, I can relate

He's 25...He has to learn to be financial, toys are toys and you definately have to have some passions and hobbies in your life....but, you also have to build a future, and be responsible, he sounds as if he's not ready to be responsible, therefore, he'll show his love and committment to you, no problem, by offering the engagment...showing you it's nothing to do with not loving you.

But, seriously, if you start saving for that house and he doesn't come to the party with finances then it's going to destroy your relationship, as it did mine, (one of the main reasons) there were more....

I understand 45 minute drives too, my fiance has to do that for his daughter commuting from here to her Mum...and work, 30 minutes, so he doesn't come home in the afternoons, it's draining....

I suggest that you open a joint bank account and discuss an equal amount that you put in there together ,weekly so he can get used to it, because one day, you will have to pay rent together or a Mortgage and if you love each other, then you need to get that part right...In addition once he sees he's not missing it, he may very well realise it's not that bad and you can go ahead with your plans.

Because once your out, there's the fridge,lounge, cutlery, bedding, cushions, washing machines, etc, etc, you get the picture

[caterpillar79]

......The main issue Im having in I want to take our realtionship to the next level and move in together. I make enough that I can make it work on my own, and when I told him of my plans to move out of the rents, he basicly paniced and told me to wait for him. After ranting and raveing about how I should move closer to him, and I replied with well maybe we should move in together now and solve the problem and he clammed up. So I gave him some space until he wanted to talk about more....

I actually started to think it's just YOUR IDEA to move the relationship to the next level. Him panicking over your suggestion to move in together is a dead giveaway that he is not ready to be on the level where you want to be. You know what I mean?

I like what WC suggested about setting joint bank account and have a fixed amount where you equally would put in monthly. That is practical. On you wanting to move out, I say, go for it with or without him living with you. Before you hitch someone in your wagon, make sure you can drive the wagon yourself. Practice your independence and your home management skills alone first, then take it from there. By doing so, you're also giving him time to make up his mind. Meanwhile, try not to get your hopes up, (some) men, no matter how much they love you still get cold feet.