[naisning]

me and my boyfriend have been going out for two months now, i know that not realy a long time. im not a big believer in love at first sight maybe it happens for some people but generaly im more cautous then that. the first night i say him though i knew something was going to happen between us, im not a cocky person but im sure everyone gets that feling sometimes. i wasnt expecting a relationship but it became very clear after a while we were heading in that direction and i was excited about it, it was odd for me because generaly im a one night stand kind of person, call it ****ty but everyone has that phase and i just wasnt looking for anything serious neither was the other person. so whats what i was expecting from this but on our first night together, at the risk of sounding cheesey, we kind of connected. we were chatting and he told me about stuff that was bothering him and what was going on with him. we were from the start realy comfortable with eachother. he said it too that it was odd for him to open up to a stranger out of the blue like this but i didnt mind i was happy to listen to him and it wasnt weird or anything. i wasnt exactly mentaly stable myself, i was going through a lot that he didnt know about, he didnt know me at all but he seemed to pick it up and without even asking about anything he just held me realy close like he knew me and was protecting me. it all sounds realy mushy haha and im sorry if it sounds like im talking in fairy tales.
it took about a month for him to aske me out but i knew he would. i mean it was obvious we were heading that way. we acted like a couple did all the stuff couples do and we were there for eachother. very close, not dependent on eachother but we cared listened and spent a fair amount of time together. like the start of most relationships i imagine. he told me when he was drunk one night that he wanted to ask me out in the most "epic way ever so i would remember it for ages and be like man this guy is win" haha. so finaly he did in the way he wanted. hes a funny guy from the look of him you wouldnt think hes very romantic but he realy is!! its only been two months but im crazy about him and hes mad about me too. we get on with eachothers friends and we give eachother the space we need so were not crowding. we dot have petty fights over stupid things like i'v seen my friends do with their partners. he treats me so well, he has an amazing talent to make me feel realy important to him. even when we're out with his friends, he jokes along with them as normal gets up to the usual stuff with them when im around but always includes me like i belong in the group. i get on great with his friends there realy good people. he could be in a deep conversation with one of them about something i have no interest in but he always is either holding my hand or has his arm around me so i dont feel left out. he knows that for the most part i am quite content to just sit listen to him or watch him. im not a very attention seeking person by nature. he even, shock horror, asks if its ok if he plays his xbox when were in his room. i never mind but he always asks. im quite happy lying across his lap and mocking his gameplay but he has no problem with holding proper conversations while playing. i was going through a realy hard time when we started and he was there for me no problem he wasnt scared and it didnt bother him. we make eachother very happy. we dont get to spend a lot of time together but that never bothered me. we need lives outside eachother. then my "friends" started to turn their backs on me, nothing to do with him. i was suffering with something big and they just werent interested, i did become somewhat dependent on him for a while, i was living with my friends and they were blanking me out so him and his group were all i had but i was happy with them. my friends called my mother one day and her they wanted me out so now we live realy far apart. i miss him but it doesnt bother me that much after all he has exams and is going through a lot himself. i am there for him like he was for me but i respect the space he needs to study and get his personal life together. i get so worried because at the moment he realy is in a bad place.
one day i got the bus to see him. we talked for a while about him and all that was going on, fairly normal, we joked and messed around, met up with his friends. a normal day in his town for me. i knew he was a bit off because of all that was going on with him but that didnt offend me in the slightest. we had a good day together that day, a very good day. it always is with him realy. then on the bus home i got a text from him saying he was sorry for not being himself and for treating me differently. i told him he was very good to me and he didnt need to worry about that and that i was there for him, he was going through a rough patch and all i wanted to do was help, and no matter what his mood i would still care about him. you cant expect someone to be 100 percent all the time and i am his girlfriend i can handle it. i was kind of shocked when he said sorry for being ****ty to me because he wasnt. that was about two weeks ago, i havnt seen him since then because we live like 4 hours apart and he has school. he text me the other day asking if we could talk so i rang him. we talked about what was going on with him. he told me about the stress he was under and how everything was just not going right for him. like i said hes in a realy bad place at the moment, perfectly normal it happens to everyone. he said to me he was so greatful to have me and i made him so happy but he wanted to break up. he said he was so sorry that he just felt like he was treatimg me like and couldnt bare it, it was hurting him that he couldnt treat me the way he wanted to. i realy couldnt understand because he was so good to me. he said he needed to be on his own sort himself out but he wanted to be realy good friends and he would visit me all the time which makes no sence because it contradicts the whole i need time to myself. i have no problem giving him space but i though by being far apart he was already getting it. we arent properly broken up, he said he realy didnt want to but he felt he had to to make me happy, which is obviously rediculous. this guy means so much to me and all i want is for him to get better.
i wrote him a letter i havnt posted it yet but i will soon. in it i wrote how wonderful he is to me all the things that make him a good person, why he has good reason to continue on and how i know he can pull through. how wonderful he is to me and how i am there for him nomater what like he was for me. i know this might seem like way to much for three months but we have been through a lot together. i said that if he wanted we could take a break and after his exams he could tell me to stay or go and i wouldnt make as much a fuss. i know its a realy hard thing for him to do but i realy think he is ending it for the wrong reasons, should i let him go, am i being to mean by trying to keep him. i hope that letter is a good idea, its more of a way of helping him get through this then pleading him to stay. i know my world wont end without him but it will be most certainly crappier for a while. and things just got better for me. i dont get how when he says i make him happy he wants to break up. i realy dont know what to do
help

[spurzzz]

Hello Naisning, welcome to WH:

Your boyfriend sounds like a really nice guy, really considerate to your needs and is always thinking about whats best for you so thats a positive.

He is obviously going through a lot of problems at the moment so I would respect his decision in calling it a day, almost like a "break" so that he can sort himself out. Respect his decision and tell him how you feel and that you will always be there for him as a mate no matter what.

If someone is going through a phase you cannot force him to stay unwillingly. He needs to be on his own and you need to respect that, i like the idea of the letter but make it a supportive one rather then love love love.

Concentrate on your own life and doing things that you want to do rather then his. If your love is true then he will surely come crawling back when he knows what he is missing. If he doesn't then perhaps his love for you wasn't the same as yours is for him and he hasen't got it in him to tell you that.

Best of luck.

[naisning]

thank you spurzzz
yea i think your right, if he wants me back then i will take him and if not then im being silly to force him. i care a lot for him so i guess the best way of showing that is letting him have his time.
were just different i guess when i have problems i want one person just to hold me hand and maybe hes more of a go it alone sort. . .
hopefully all will work out
thanks again

[ren_07]

I don't doubt that this guy is a good guy. I think his rough time may be stemming from the fact that he wasn't looking for a relationship and has now managed to progress into a deeper bond than he was expecting so he may be pulling back a bit so to speak if that makes sense. Especially with other doubts going on in other areas of his life. I really wouldn't worry, but I think if you give him space he'll be more inclined to work out this phase he's going through that's wanting him to distance himself from you emotionally. It's almost like he's saying he needs some pressure lifted off of him, but doesn't want to lose you. So even though he realizes he needs space as a solution, he's sorta countering that by wanting to see you as much because no doubt he'll act the same way. Be careful how much you give in to him in this time because that may put you back at square one!

Also, I wouldn't overdo it with fancy, long letters and whatnot since he wants space. Give him what he wants and you'll see he'll be back to you much faster

[naisning]

thanks ren_07
so do you think i should just leave him alone now for a while until he contacts me again, or i should i say ok if you want to propperly end it we can. i know he says he will visit as often as possible but i know thats not going to happen not because he doesnt want to but because he has no money. its almost 30 euro for the bus and he doesnt have a car. if he did come over as a friend anyway i would be totaly lost, iv never treated him as just a friend haha that would just wreck my head but it would be great to see him all the same.
yea im at a loss with the letter, like i said its more of a supportive one than anything else. it wont creep him out i know that but i see what you mean by if he wants space it could make him feel more crowded.
thanks again

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Emotions are funny things.

Seems you used the "girlfriend" word and then there was no communication for a couple of weeks, maybe he pondered on that the 4hrs away, you
maybe even losing interest and finding someone else, another blow he couldn't take..Maybe.

Alot I found in your writing was words to us, professing but minimal words to him, rather "that's okay" ....

You did ask him to hold off first until the exams are over how did he take that do you think?

All you can do is state you had an amazing 3 months, you would have liked to see where it headed, there are definate feelings there and time is not an issue, however what will be will be......

He either thinks it's "long distance" and doesn't stand a chance, or as others have stated, he can't cope with the added stress of constant communication and worry as you are 4hrs away, in addition to all that is going on with him at present...

[ren_07]

I mean I think it would be most beneficial to let him know how hard it would be to act like friends when you're on a break or whatever he's calling it rather than being so supportive and loving towards him. You don't want him feeling too comfortable here or he'll take his sweet time to work his own problems out if he doesn't seen he's making a choice between having you and being alone with this issues, ya know what I mean?

[naisning]

hey guys
turns out he was actually cheating on me with his ex girlfriend who by the way treats him like . . and i mean really really bad. ugh some people are just so full of , all talk but dont understand anything they say or how it affects people. and i had to find out from his friends, i really hope this "better girl" gives him what he deserves. i realy dont even care anymore, i just feel sick

[spurzzz]

Sorry you went through that hun, but sometimes it is for the best

At least now you know the signs or red flags to look out for next time eh

Some people like the 'treat em mean keep em keen' routine.....those type of people I avoid like the plague
Unless it's in the bedroom but thats another topic for another day