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struggling to find myself!!

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  • struggling to find myself!!

    hello! i'm in what FEELS like a super sticky tricky situation. I have been dating and LOVING the man i've been with for 5 years now. He is 23 and I am 20, and he is the only man who I have been this serious with. I love him to death, but in mid-February, I told him I needed to break up with him. At the time it felt right, but now I am kicking myself and fearing DEEPLY that I will lose this man forever; which would be endlessly terrible for me. We are still living together, at this point, which helps to complicate pretty much Everything. We have lived together for a year, and I have been working on moving out, along with graduating massage school and trying to find a career in my field. We have agreed to not sleep with any others until we are in separate homes, which could be till mid-May...BUT we agreed that we could still be seeing other people. And we have been. There's a girl he is interested in, quite a bit, and there is a guy i'm mildly interested in on my end, too. These people seem frivolous compared to the love him and I share together, and we have expressed this to each other. As you can imagine, the environment here is absolutely toxic.
    The honesty of our other 'relationships' hurts just about as much as seeing his stuff everyday when I come 'home.' We want to try and be together again after some time for soul-searching...
    I am filled with pure frustration and confusion at this point of my life, and am quickly feeling the spiral of emotion.
    Any advice?

  • Sounds like you need to do some self examination. Is it love or comfort with the known and fear of dealing with anything new?

    If you are both feeling that you would rather be with each other what have you discussed doing about it?


    • It seems to me that the problem is that you’re acting, acting, acting without thinking, thinking, thinking. Have less coffee. Unplug the computer. Sit down. Reflect on the situation. Ponder your own emotions and motivations. Cease asking for advice on web sites. When you just act, act, act everything seems larger than life. It feels that way because without thought you don’t understand the situation and anything mysterious tends to look larger.

      Instead of asking everyone for advice first learn to tune into your own internal voice. There’s a little voice inside you that knows more about you than you know about yourself. Have you ever decided to do something only to have it turn out all wrong? When you think back on it you sort of knew that it was going to be the wrong decision, didn’t you? That’s the little voice that I mean. As you age you get better at listening to it.

      As for your present living situation. It seems like a big deal to you. Its not. In most cases there are very few decisions at 20 years of age that can’t be undone or compensated for later in life. The stakes are not high even though you believe they are. I don’t know how to say this politely - you and him are very young and you’re acting very young. There’s really no answer to give you because the remedy is that you and him need to grow up – and that will happen all by itself anyway. In time this mess will seem trivial and you’ll just be a little wiser for it.



      • Why did you decide to break up?
        "Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Because those who mind dont matter, and those who matter dont mind"
        ~ Dr. Suess


        • Have you just drifted apart? It might comfort you to know that this situation is extremely common, you've been with someone for 5 years, love him dearly, youre young and I bet you are wondering if there is more out there for you? In my experience, there isn't.

          If you're with someone that makes you feel special, someone that you can talk to about anything and completely be yourself with, a person that you count as your best friend, then dont throw it away. I agree with virgo man - take some 'noise free' time, really think if you want to seperate and if you do decide that its the best thing to do for both of you, then do not jump straight into another relationship. Its not fair on you, and its certainly not fair on the other person involved.

          Everything will fall into place, you are at that age and stage of your life where the decisions that you make now will shape the person that you become in the future - think wisely and dont act on impulsion.


          • Thank you people for your grounded, comforting advice.



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