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I want kids, he doesn't

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  • I want kids, he doesn't

    I've been with my current SO for about 4 years. Last week he tells me that he does not want kids (all along before this, we talked a lot about having kids of our own some day). He is asking me to choose between having kids or staying together. I straight up asked him if this was his way of breaking up with me, he said no. I asked him what he expected/wanted. He said he wanted me to be ok w/ the change in plans, and wants to be with me. We really have a great relationship, and friendship. I just don't know how to go about this. I feel like i lose either way. Thoughts? advice?

  • Sorry...tough but I think you have to take him at his word. He is not "father" material. If you want children...sorry but don't waste time on him.
    Nature sets a Biological Clock; fair or unfair...your time is limited. Yes he can "change his mind" even late in life. You can not.


    • I would be VERY curious as to what changed his mind so suddenly after 4 years together discussing your future children. This should be talked about further, you two need to communicate about this clearly and make sure you're both 100% clear on where you both stand and why, and how that will impact what you decide to do from here.

      He may well have made up his mind, and in that case, you need to decide if you can live your life never being a mother. If you can, okay, stay and work it out. If being a mother was/is a dream of yours that you are unwilling to give up, then it will be time to move on. And he must recognize that his decision to not be a dad can not impact your decision to be a Mom someday - so you have to part.

      Or he may just be freaking out about being a parent. Lord knows I've done the same. I've said I want kids, and now that they're starting to fall into the 5 year plan with my fiance.. I'm scared and thinking "yeah, maybe I don't want to be responsible for the surivial of another human being! That's really heavy!" But I know as soon as I talk it out with my fiance again, all the reasons we wanted to have kids in the first place.

      This is why you must talk it out, and understand where each of you is coming from.

      It may not be a winning situation right now, but please don't consider it a total loss, if you decide you should no longer be together. It is better to have found this out early enough, while you still have lots of opportunities ahead of you to be and do whatever it is that you would like.


      • I almost wonder if he never wanted kids and only told you he did. I was with someone also for 4 years and they suddenly came out and said they didn't want to get married when the whole time they said they did before that. We broke up and it was the best thing that's happened. I was able to find someone else who was more compatible with me and had the same wants and interests as me. I'd believe him. Don't fool yourself or pretend things will change.


        • 4 years..... usually is serious and in that, he can't hide any more of what the future will hold..

          4 years and you should be able to communicate over everything. Did you ask him why the change of plans and if so, what was his response?

          I can tell you from personal experience, it's not a change of plans often it's hiding the truth until that truth has to come out.

          My ex husband was fine with 1 child until we married and from that day, "changed my mind".... you can imagine how stuck you are then, unless you deliberately go behind his back on it, but then his suspicious leads to no sex

          So, dont' go down this road, if he has lied to you all this time, then there will and has been other lies as well it's selfish to do this and carry it on for years and hope that love is enough for you to stay.... Lying is enough for you to leave.



          • Having children or not is often a deal breaker. I'm sorry you invested so much time in this relationship, but I think you are not going to be happy staying in it without having children. Try to find out why he has changed his mind and if he is willing to change it back.
            I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
            Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

            From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


            • This could be the dealbreaker.

              1. If you decide to forgo your dreams of kids and stay with him... you may resent him for years to come, everything he does wrong you will think -- I SACRAFICED HAVING CHILDREN FOR YOU!! It would be something hard for him to earn balance with in your eyes.

              2. If he decides to have kids to keep YOU in his life... he may resent you for years to come, and worse -- he may resent the children you have together... which they will surely feel.

              So unless he changes his mind GENUINLY because its what he truly wants, or unless you change your mind GENUINLY because its what you truly want -- there is so much to risk as far as resentment down the road goes. So if you decide to stay and not have kids, you have to be comfortable with that decision... whatever happens. If he ends the relationship with you right after your childbearing years have passed... would you feel you wasted that time on him... see what I mean? You have to be confident in the fact that YOU don't want kids either, that way no matter what happens... you did what YOU wanted to do... anything short of that will put so much pressure on the relationship... it would be hard for it to not collapse.

              There are somethings relationships can survive and somethings they can't. And I think a relationship could survive an affair much easier than it could survive a difference of opinion when it comes to having children.

              Take some time and think on it, really think on it. Don't make it about choosing kids or choosing him. Make it about what do you want most in your life... if its kids, and he doesn't want them -- you have your answer.

              If its love and you have that with him, then you have your answer as well. He needs to do the same soul searching as well so that you guys can come to a decision on how to proceed.
              Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.


              • I'm sorry, but if he doesn't want kids, he absolutely shouldn't be pressured into it - terrible think to do for him AND the kids. If you want kids, you shouldn't be denied something that is so important to you, you will regret it all your life. There may be no solution to this one except to end the relationship on good terms - no one has done anything wrong, you just want different things.

                One last thing to try though - take in a foster child for 6 months (shelter care). You will be doing a good deed and will see how you both feel about actually having kids in the house. My wife and I were in a similar situation and after doing this she decided that she didn't want kids either.


                • Definitely a deal breaker.

                  BUT that doesn't mean you have to lose him entirely. Maybe you can keep the friendship going (although you should spend some time apart to cool things down first). If he was as upfront with you as he could be about the kid thing, maybe the two of you can manage an amicable parting.


                  • rcoreyus... that is a lovely idea and one that I wouldn't have thought of myself. Although I would guess that foster children who are used to going from place to place every few months may have a difficult to handle temperament, so maybe not the clearest picture of what your own child would be like. Still, having the experience of caring for a child, together, if only for a few months, must be extremely educational.


                    • Thank you all for your responses. A few of you all said things i hadn't thought of. I'm still mulling it over, and it has created some tension.


                      • If he was pretty adamant about this and if both of you are now on opposite sides of the question, then I'd agree that maybe it might be time to rethink the relationship.

                        I don't know what the change of heart was caused by, but if I was guessing, I'd say that his friends and family may be putting it into his ear that it was time for the two of you to settle down and start a family? From experience, I wasn't sure how good of a father I was going to be first time around. It made me think if it was the right thing to do or not. It didn't have anything to do with how I felt about my ex at the time, yes I was madly in love with her, wanted to be with her the rest of my life, but were we capable of being parents?

                        Everyone of those fears turned into anticipation when she told me that I was going to be a father. You never really know until it happens.


                        • Only one data point, but the child we took in was no more troubled than average - though of course that won't be true in all cases. On the other hand, if you have a child you need to be willing to care for them even if they do have problems: I know one couple with 2 autistic kids, another with a child with serious mental illness. So while a foster child may have serious issues - that is something you may need to deal with if you are a parent.

                          Originally posted by Mes T View Post
                          rcoreyus... that is a lovely idea and one that I wouldn't have thought of myself. Although I would guess that foster children who are used to going from place to place every few months may have a difficult to handle temperament, so maybe not the clearest picture of what your own child would be like. Still, having the experience of caring for a child, together, if only for a few months, must be extremely educational.


                          • I know how you feel, I won't children and my husband doesn't. Well we talked about it when we first got together and he said it was up to me. After he asked me to marrie him and i said yes, about four months later he said that he didn't wont any kids. He told me that if i didn't already have a child he would have one with me. I don't understand what changed his mind after i said yes. So over the past years i have come to except that i will not be able to have another child. I love my husband and love being with him, so i guess you can't get everything you planed for in life or at least in my case the one thing i wonted the most. So what i am trying to say is sometimes you may have to give up something temporarly for something else that you realy wont.


                            • I thought i'd update everyone. I am a curious person, and would want to know "the outcome" of such a thing. Last week I sat him down and told him that after hard thought, i really did want kids. He said do you think we should break up? I said yes, if he wasn't willing to change his mind. Since then things have been good. We still live together, but we are helping each other find new places, and all of the stuff that goes with it. We have both admited that we feel more free with just having a friendship over a relationship. I'm glad that i took the time to think this through, and thank you to everyone who posted their thoughts and advice. Each one of you had something to add that made me think.



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