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Not ready for the 'L' bomb

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  • Not ready for the 'L' bomb

    Sorry if this is long.

    In April I met a guy on the site eHarmony. We talked for a while through emails and had a few phone conversations. About a month ago we got coffee at a local place and had our first date. I've been trying to keep it very light - just dating. We go on dates about once a week. All casual, and all lasting only a couple hours. Last week he had finals so I brought him a drink (coffee) at his place, since he couldn't leave his house (essay). He introduced me to his roommates, and we chatted for a bit, but not much. Last night he treated me to dinner, and it was very nice. All of our conversations have been very friendly. I haven't told him much about me I wouldn't tell a news reporter. He'll get romantic only when he texts me, but I haven't responded to those at all, or if I do, I just tell him he's very sweet to say it. I told him upfront that I wanted to take things really slowly. The only thing we've even done is a brief kiss on the lips. No tongue, no making out. Just a very, very brief kiss at the end of dates, maybe two. At the end of the night he brought me home. He then just gave me a hug and said, "I love you" very quickly. I was shocked and I know it showed. "What??" I said. He said that he'd just thought he'd say it. He then said goodnight and drove home.

    I know people are eventually supposed to say it, but I thought I was being really obvious that I wasn't ready. I've told him several times that I think you should really get to know someone before jumping into something. Within two weeks of knowing me he canceled his eHarmony account, stopped talking to other girls, and referred to things we'd do in the future. I told him very nicely that I was still a part of the site and that I think meeting people in good in the first stages of dating until you have a **conversation** about commitment. He said he knew, but he just wasn't interested in seeing anyone else. Last night I told him I wasn't ready to say it, but I'll be honest, I don't know if I'll ever be. I feel really bad, because I feel like if I date him anymore, I'll be leading him on, but if I decide not to see him again, I'm a jerk because I did it after he dropped the L bomb. Advice?

  • It sounds like you're a level headed guarded type of gal (much like me so I can relate) and don't naturally jump into things quickly....have to sort of dip the toes in first. I relate it much like jumping into a pool. I was never one to dive into the icy cold thinking I'd get used to it quicker. I'd slowly put myself into the water inch by inch until I felt comfortable enough with the last inch to proceed on to the next. Thats a mirror image of how I am in relationships. But not always....I have jumped into things at times in the past, and I've been hurt, therefore, lesson learned. Is that the case with you?

    It also sounds like you're just not that into this guy. And maybe you would've been....but his eagerness and being over-zealous was perhaps a turn off. I know it would've been a turn off for me. And wow, the L-bomb?!? It seems that there was nothing going on in this relationship that would've made him think saying it so soon was cool or that you would reciprocate. Perhaps he believes in love at first sight....but that doesn't mean you do of course.

    If you know in your heart that this is just not the guy for you whether it be in a dating relationship or a long term one......be the big person here and walk away. It'll scar him much less than if you wait until he has invested much more of himself. And who knows....maybe it'll teach him not to be so darn over-zealous in a new relationship.
    "Be what you're looking for."


    • Hi Datin,

      I agree with everything BD's said. Take it as a compliment that you've been able to win someone over so quickly... but don't feel that it has to put any pressure on you. You do what YOU want to do. And from your post it seems his words were WAY too soon. He seems inexperienced and over-eager...

      However just a suggestion, if you do end up breaking up with the guy, don't mention that it was because of the "I love you" specifically? Just say it was too quick, you're not feeling the spark, etc? Wouldn't want to cause him to build a wall around himself in the future!


      • OP

        Internet dating is a tricky thing.

        What you have to remember and it depends on age as to where this fits in, is there are a variety of reason why people join those sites.

        . Lonliness.
        . Sex
        . Finding a new partner

        Baggage is often involved.. ie) take lonliness, why are they lonely because they can not fathom being on their own therefore not independent and therefore depending on others.

        Finding a new partner, yet they are either angry over their last relationship, hurt, or otherwise havent let go... So, does that constitute they are free of baggage? And, on any of those two, wouldn't a person settle for the next one that just came along? After all they haven't found themselves yet and knowingly have in their minds what they want out of a relationship and what they want to find within a person.

        And then there is sex...The preditor that pretends to want a relationship yet only really wants to use the sites as a form to gain sex, take advantage..

        This is male or female. So, I look at what you wrote... and I see, that he hasn't gotten to know you at all, yet, he sees several dates, so you have to like him a fair bit right? Or else why would you continue dating him? He found someone who liked him right? And so he fell in love...Big word for someone that intreagues him....

        Then I see yourself, continuing to date this one person whilst stating that you are still on the dating site, so don't get attached, so why are you dating him more and more? Lonliness? The need to get out? You aren't showing your cards, not letting him in to get to know the inner you, so therefore in my opinion there is no bond here, just mossing along...

        So ask yourself why you are dating someone over and over in any event that you won't open up to and let him see who you are on the inside..Because he sees, someone dating him over and over so they have to like him..

        If you go on these sites, you have to be wary of the lonley, the preditors and the baggage some carry...

        If you go on these sites, you have to be open for a relationship but wary of whom you are dating, ensuring that you are safe, and that you know where they work, that their cell phone number is theres...

        I get the feeling that you yourself have still some baggage from the past to deal with and are really not ready to date for a relationship rather just to get out.

        If you don't have feelings for this man, then don't date him again...He'll keep trying again on E-Harmony he obviously was making a huge statement (I'm clingy), I want you, so I'm off there... After only a couple of weeks? That to me sounds like he's settling as you say, he doesn't know you...Don't feel bad, it's your life, just let him know that you as you stated wanted to take things slow but you feel he's gone full speed and at this point you don't want to date anymore...



        • 1. It sounds like you're just not that into him. It sounds like you don't have 'chemistry' with him... and don't anticipate it developing.

          2. He sounds like he is ready to settle down, eager to be in a relationship, and isn't all that picky about with who. And I mean that with no offense to you ... I mean that, as you said, he doesn't even KNOW you, yet "loves" you. You are a girl, you go on dates with him, and thats enough for him. No kisses, other than pecks, no deep meaningful conversations about your thoughts... no memories being built, no real reason to be 'in love' with you.

          Dumping him directly after him saying he loved you... would probably hurt him. But continuing to date him, after he's told you that and you know you don't and/or won't feel the same would be leading him on. Catch 22.

          So... listen to your heart. If you KNOW this isn't the guy for you, let him go... gently. Let him know that things are moving to fast for you, that you aren't ready for a relationship. If you think he MIGHT be someone you'd develop feelings for... then continue dating him but be honest with him about your feelings or lack of them. This will allow him to pull the reins in on his own (if he can).
          Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.


          • I don't want to sound rude, but why are you dating at all? It sounds like you really just want friendship. A peck on the lips would be common among friends in parts of Europe. I'm not saying you need to sleep with the guy, but the pace you're going at is really, really, really slow. As a guy, I'm a bit confused. He might be too.

            Most women who want casual dating relationships are uh...largely promiscuous. You're the complete opposite, apparently, and that's just mind boggling to me. I don't think it's necessarily bad, I just think that most men aren't going to understand it. Eharmony is a site for people who typically want a serious relationship, and most want marriage. Combine that with having to pay for it (unlike plentyoffish) and you're mostly going to get more sensitive guys who want to settle down and have a family. That's what this guy sounds like to me. He likes you, so he cut off ties with other prospects.

            He's definitely quick to drop the "L bomb" by most standards, but I have a hypothesis about this. You are playing hard to get in the most extreme way. That's messing with his mind. Given that he's probably a sensitive guy who wants to settle down and who's obviously really into you, I'm thinking he wants to draw you into him. He wants more. I guess that's fairly obvious, but I'm trying to explain how his mind is working at the moment.

            I guess I'm really just in agreement with the other posters. You're either into him or you're not. After a month of dating (and more than that if you count the pre-first-date talking) he's expecting more. Any normal guy would be. You're treating him like a friend, so ask yourself if that's all he is to you. If not, then you've got to be willing to at least kiss him with more than a peck.



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