[jezebelredfern]

Hey, ive been lurking for abit reading, but have decided to join.

Ive been with my guy for a year, though we were kinda messing around for six months before then. Im 28 and hes 35, and when i met him he was living with an ex girlfriend. She had mental issues, threatening to kill herself if he moved out, she'd call him to find out where he was all the time. She was emotionally abusive too him.

He has alot of emotional baggage, in a nutshell he ran away from home when he was 13, he lived on the streets for many years, it was only in his 20's where he found somewhere to live and got some good jobs. A couple of years ago he went back to college to get his secondary school qualifications (high school diploma), and last september he started university. Hes studying international education, he has the skills and i believe he'd make an excellent teacher.

As part of his course, he had to spend a semester abroad (we live in the uk) and in January he went to Amsterdam for five months. Him being away wasnt easy, i managed to visit him once as i lost my job in February. We utilised texts, emails, and most importantly skype. He didnt enjoy his experience in Amsterdam, he had no money, and he didnt enjoy the course, he began drinking more and smoking (alittle)weed. And i wasnt in a good place either, being unemployed till May, i became dependent on our skype conversations, and would get hurt and annoyed when he'd blow off us talking for him to go hang out with the few friends he'd made or go to a bar. Which has stupid on my part...i wanted him to have friends and have fun...i just....also more then ever really missed him and wanted him home.

We argued while he was away, especially as when he left our relationship was still at a point that wasnt clearly defined....we knew we wanted to be together in a relationship, we refered to ourselves as taken, and only i had told him i loved him. He has never said those words to me, he used to imply it, he used to say his actions should show more then words....which okay im more vocal but i could accept that but as of the last month or so...i cant even discern anything from his actions.

He came back from Amsterdam end of May, hes been living at a mates place (i live at home with my mom), he has been surviving by borrowing money off friends, he doesnt get more student financing for a few more weeks, and he was supposed to have a job lined up as a doorman when he got back but it fell through.

We havent been able to enjoy the summer together thus far as hes doing an extra college course and is really busy. I hardly see him (maybe twice a week) and he asks me to be understanding, and im trying. But when sometimes the little time we do get, he blows off (which okay last time was because he had just had a tattoo and was in pain. But my reasoning is, it was self inflicted and i shouldnt suffere because of it), and we havent had sex in about six weeks, now in part thats down too the mate hes staying with is mega religious and doesnt believe in me staying there, and he doesnt have the best relationship with my mom so he doesnt feel comfortable coming here too often.

Add to that hes tired and seriously stressed all the time with his studies and having no money, he hasnt had a libido. Which i understand. But when i try to ask him, to just tell me he wants me to stick through this bad patch, that he does ultimately love me...he kicks off that im being stroppy and pushy. Which in a way i am, but i dont know what he wants off me. I dont know what hes getting off me.

Oh and nows the time to mention that in six weeks, he goes to Budapest for four months. This wasnt originally on the cards, it was added onto his course a couple of months ago. So by the time he comes back at christmas, assuming we last....we'll have spent the whole of 2011 at a grinding standstill in our relationship.

I love him, i really do, and in the beginning he was more attentive, more open....lol. we've always been fiery as hes a scorpio and im a gemini. Hes openly told me that his education is a priority, but does that mean im not one, does he just expect me to wait around with no encouragement......

Their are so many different things to mention, but honestly i dont wanna bore u all.....in a nutshell, his former college tutor (a 58year old woman) is now friends with him and she hasnt hid the fact she fancies him, he has no interest in her that way but he certainly utilises it to his benefit.Shes paid for him to get a tattoo which when its finished will cost about £500. Even one of his oldest friends who ive befriended asks me why i put up with him, that he is selfish....and its kinda scary how selfish he is. But i get that kinda...he lived on the streets, he didnt have his family, hes used to being number one.

Ultimately he has an exam next week and then hes got five weeks study free before he leaves again, i just want to enjoy it. To hug him, to talk to him, to laugh with him.

Yesterday we went to a bar and sat outside, as already mentioned hes got no money, to the point hes selling his possessions to get money for food. And last week id sold a phone for him at where i work ( i work for a second hand electrical shop), yesterday he asked me to do it again. Which i didnt mind doing but i asked him to come with me to say i was selling it for him...the shop records all things sold and brought and i was a little worried about how it would look on my record that id sold two identical phones in the space of a week. Even though he has receipts, i asked him to be there for a few seconds next to me, and he kicked off. That i was being silly, that i wouldnt help him, that i didnt care about him or do anything for him, and we were having a drink...so that probably didnt help though we werent drunk or anything. We left the bar as he kept on bringing it up, and we couldnt enjoy the little time we had left.....because i had been buying the drinks and i myself have very little money (get paid monday, yay) i didnt have enough money to catch the train home. And i wouldnt ask for the little he had to spend for me on the train, so i caught the bus (as i have a bus pass). Because he was going off on one all the way to the train/bus station, i just walked off towards the bus, no goodbye or anything....he just wasnt willing to understand, that as paranoid as i was being...i didnt wanna appear dodgy at work. And all had to do was come into the shop for a few seconds, but he wouldnt because he considered it damaging to his pride....but it was okay for me to do it.

we exchanged a few texts once home, which involved a few swear words. I emailed him this morning (im a coward) saying i thought he'd been unfair and stuff and he replied saying how because i told him to *edit*off (when he said i didnt care about him) that i was getting my wish and he was *edit*off, that he had more financial obligations then i knew about, and i wasnt understanding his situation and wouldnt help him. And that i was to give him a wide berth....

So is it over?....i dont wanna ask because it will provoke him to say yes as he is obviously angry.....and while giving him space is a good idea, i feel we've wasted so much time already. I dont want it to be over, and i feel we can be awesome together. We've both high maintenance people yes, but i dont think it helps that hes been away and going away again, that hes still studying and penniless...and we literally have very little time together.

He has a persona that he shows to everyone else, but when hes with me hes softer, different. Alot of people though, even friends of his....thinks he is no good for me. That hes using me. When people say this it upsets me, especially when friends of his say it....he is a good guy, hes just got alot of issues. I hope this is a rough patch that'll make us stronger....but i just dont know what to do....even in terms of yesterdays argument.

Help!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

we were kinda messing around for six months before then. Im 28 and hes 35, and when i met him he was living with an ex girlfriend. She had mental issues, threatening to kill herself if he moved out, she'd call him to find out where he was all the time. She was emotionally abusive too him.

Did you ever go to that house where he and "she" lived? Ask yourself, whom lives with an ex, and one that constantly calls, and one that threatens to kill herself if he left? She obviously didn't kill herself and obviously left... Do you think that she paid for all the food, accomodation or most of it during that time before he left? I do.

He has alot of emotional baggage, in a nutshell he ran away from home when he was 13, he lived on the streets for many years, it was only in his 20's where he found somewhere to live and got some good jobs.

And he's 35 still trying to find his way and when the chips are down, he drinks and smokes weed, and whoms money does he use? You stated you couldn't get a train you had no money, why? Because you bought all the drinks for him and he wants you to understand? But you wouldn't ask him for money for a train... What is it you are to understand? That he can not stand on his own two feet and will always want to use you? Here for drinks

he has been surviving by borrowing money off friends, he doesnt get more student financing for a few more weeks, and he was supposed to have a job lined up as a doorman when he got back but it fell through.

Here he is using his friends....

As part of his course, he had to spend a semester abroad (we live in the uk) and in January he went to Amsterdam for five months. Him being away wasnt easy, i managed to visit him once as i lost my job in February.

So over the course of 1 year together, he's mostly been away and your communication is via Skype and even then he's not attentive and not there for you off having drinks with mates that "they are paying for".

and we havent had sex in about six weeks, now in part thats down too the mate hes staying with is mega religious and doesnt believe in me staying there, and he doesnt have the best relationship with my mom so he doesnt feel comfortable coming here too often.

If someone wants sex, they find a way...

because i had been buying the drinks and i myself have very little money (get paid monday, yay) i didnt have enough money to catch the train home

And so he used you as he can't stand on his own two feet, no thank you, no how are you going to get home babe?

And last week id sold a phone for him at where i work ( i work for a second hand electrical shop), yesterday he asked me to do it again. Which i didnt mind doing but i asked him to come with me to say i was selling it for him...the shop records all things sold and brought and i was a little worried about how it would look on my record that id sold two identical phones in the space of a week

I don't know if it was the same phone and he got the money twice, or if it was a simular phone but 1) either way, who's phone was it that he pawned, not his in my opinion and 2) you'd risk losing your job for someone pawning off goods for weed?

So is it over?....i dont wanna ask because it will provoke him to say yes as he is obviously angry.....and while giving him space is a good idea, i feel we've wasted so much time already. I dont want it to be over, and i feel we can be awesome together

It should be in my opinion... You need to agree with yourself, you have WASTED SO MUCH TIME ALREADY and you can't be awesome together, you holding out on a dream, a dream he will beat 35 years of downhilll spiral, emotional issues, drug issues, drinking issues, losing job issues, being poor all his life issues, and that he will become someone, a teacher...

Is that going to change his attitude? Don't you see that he will still drink, do drugs and lose those jobs too? He wants to be someone but he doesn't believe in himself, he lived according to you in an abusive relationship but he stayed... Lost soul. You also need to see who you are, you deserve love and want love, but you have to also love yourself to and not be used and then emotionally blackmailed, you should understand bare with him, what is he giving you? Nothing, what is he asking of you? Everything you can afford to give, yet he can't even hold you, love you have sex with you but he can ask you to buy all the drinks pawn off his phones and ignore you over Skype...

....but i just dont know what to do....even in terms of yesterdays argument.

Help!

Love yourself, keep your job, you need money too, don't let this person make you lose your job, get a second job, buy that dress you've always wanted, save, move into your own place, meet the right people without baggage you are only 28 years of age...

You don't need this loser sorry.

[jns]

I'm sorry that he has had a tough life, but he is a user of others. He should make time to be with you and make time to talk with you during the times it is a LDR. I would move on and find someone who loves you if I were in your situation.