[cinbuns]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. For the past 2 years, he hasn't gotten me a birthday gift. He is always conveniently "broke" when August comes around. Well, today is once again my birthday and guess what? No gift!

Now, reading that would make me seem high maintenance, but I promise I'm not. It's just odd that he has a good paying job, yet he never has money. I went home on Saturday and came back up on Sunday to go to work. This morning when he left for work, I noticed he tried "hiding" his computer quickly before he had to run out the door. Out of suspicion, I logged on to find tons of "anal machine" porns that he had downloaded. I was shocked but not really angry because "all guys do that". However, then I noticed that he had a ton of new messages. They were all from people who he had been paying to buy him Adderall (an amphetamine). He has a prescription for the drug, but uses the month supply in like a week so he pays others to find it, and will pay up to $10 a pill for the medicine. He can't go a day without it, either. He was also looking at a "forbidden" girl's profile on Facebook. Ugh.

It ****es me off because that makes me think he is a drug addict. So, he had money yesterday to buy pills, but couldn't afford even a card for a birthday gift for me. I spend every penny I have on him, yet can't get this in return. After 3 years, I'm tired of him being "broke" on my birthday and always having to answer the question, "what did your boyfriend get you?" with "nothing!"

I'm really upset but I don't want to seem high maintenance, and I don't want to start a fight because I was looking on his computer. Please help- what should I do? Any advice is greatly appreciated!

[Maximus]

It seems that the birhtday gift is only revealing the ongoing issues you have in your relationship.
Yes, it does hurt your feelings to not receive "even a card".
Given the situation, you need to choose where you put your focus, and what problem you want to address first: addiction, non-communication, resentment (for being in giver-taken polarized situation).

How opened is he to talk about the issues ? Are you counseling on any of the known and unknown (i.e. not necessarily listed in your post) issues ?

Going forward you might want to use some nonviolent forms of communication to speak to him, merely describing how his behavior is making you feel and take it from there.

[cinbuns]

He does not talk about any of the issues. He does everything so secretly. He denies taking the medicine or being addicted to it, but I know better. I've known about his addiction but I've kept quiet and now it's like I can't take it anymore. He doesn't know what all I know, and I know he will be VERY angry once he finds out. He has major anger issues anyway, and I know that our relationship is always different after a fight. His medicine was more important than a birthday gift for me. I'm not being childish, I just wish he cared.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You know for most people, a birthday is something special as it should be.. This isn't about what people say, "hey what did he get you", this is about the realisation that you do everything, pay for everything and he is always broke, in-considerate, goes behind your back and IS a druggie.. Yes, he is, if he is paying $10 for 1 pill? Then he has a serious addiction problem and it's affecting his whole life, nothing matters at all, nothing, except for that next pill...

It seems to me that you've been "staying" in this relationship knowing of the addiction, porn is an addiction too you know, so he has an addictive personality, and knowing that you won't get a present next year, not sure about Christmas but I imagine that's the same. So why are you staying?

If you love someone and you know they have a serious problem you move on it, get them help, help them solve it, regardless or else if you don't like it? Then you don't remain there..

I'd suggest you pull his parents into this before you tell him anything given he also has anger issues.

You can not bring back the guy you met, or get someone to care for you, you are in a loveless relationship, he needs help before he can be anyone different...

[cinbuns]

Thank you for your response. I know that he is an addict, but he claims to use the medicine because he has to get up so early for work (it helps you stay awake & focused... it also gives you a "high" feeling). I don't say anything because he doesn't know that I know what all he does for it. I'm ashamed that I look through his phone to find out this information, otherwise I wouldn't know it.

His parents live states away and he has had little to no relationship with them for the past 6 years.

He did make the remark that he was going to buy me a "late" birthday gift this past weekend just so I could tell everyone that he did get me something. I wanted him to get me something because HE wanted to buy me a gift, so I politely said no thanks.

I don't know what to do anymore... should I let him continue lying? I'm afraid that if I tell him, he'll get angry and nothing will be solved. I'm also afraid that he'll just get better at lying.

[Little]

Adderall is a very popular drug to abuse, for just the reasons you state. If he "needed" it for ADD or another attention problem, he would only be using the Rx amount. Instead, he's abusing it. Heavily. Using FOUR TIMES the amount he should!
Do you live together? Why not just leave him? It's obvious that his drug use bothers you and that he has anger problems you can't deal with. Do you want to marry him? Have him waste all of YOUR money too on drugs? Waste another three years or more with him?
No! You sound like a woman who's realizing her self-worth. Take hold of it and get yourself out of this worthless situation.

[cinbuns]

I do have a lot of regrets in this relationship, but I feel like I've let it go on for so long that they're just things that are in the past and shouldn't be brought up. I realize that he's an "addict", I just didn't want to say that because he is prescribed the medication- only he takes way over the amount. I'm not really sure of what Adderall does exactly to your body or why he feels the need to take it, since it's not like cocaine or something. So, if anyone knows, I would like to know for sure why he likes it so much.

I wish that I could come out and tell him that I know about his lying & secretive ways, it's gotten to the point where I don't believe a single word he says. I never know where he really is, and I hate living in paranoia. I found out these things by looking on his phone. We had problems in the past & I found out the truth from his phone, so that's why I looked again. I feel so guilty for looking through it that I can't even tell him that I looked. He'll be furious & the conversation will end there, before it has even began!

I have no one to turn to for help in this situation. He hasn't talked to his parents in 6 years now. His friends think he's "just being a guy" and they don't realize that he is a liar & lies to them constantly as well. He's very manipulative and makes you seem him as he likes to be portrayed.

I am stuck and I don't know what to do. We do live together, so I feel like any fighting will just lead to an awkward relationship afterwards, and we'll just end up getting back together- being miserable and all.

[cinbuns]

Thank you! Sometimes I think I just need to hear someone else say it so I know that I'm not just being crazy! I really appreciate everyone's advice. Time to do some talking...

[jns]

I agree with the others about getting out - get out. I also agree that he is addicted.

[Hopeless Dork]

The good thing here is you are able to voice your concerns for the way he's treating you without mentioning the computer. Him getting you NOTHING for your bday is an offense even the brokest of men/women have ZERO excuse for. He could have given you an awesome 1 hour massage for your birthday, made you breakfast in bed with whatever random staples he found in the fridge, He could have MADE you a card on the computer, heck even if he didn't have a printer he could have left it on the desktop for you to find instead of his latest anal machine download.

If he's an addict, that is likely his first love. His money, his time and attention will be focused on the addiction above all else including you, including himself. You being unhappy with his addiction will not be enough for him to quit. He'd have to organically want to for any headway to be made in that department.

But you can, and should tell him its not the money, its TRULY the thought, its the fact that he remembered or thought of you on the anniversary of the day you came into the world, something anyone that loves you should cherish; the day you were born. Focus on that more than the forbidden girl or the anal machine. Unless your sex life isn't what you want it to be and unless you honestly think he's having something going with that girl.

Is there anything he's doing to make you feel special and loved?