[WildChild]

Why do you want to get married? In a lot of these posts it seems to be a sort of social triumph, but why do YOU want it?

We are socialized to this from childhood. I've done it too many times and finally took a good hard look at it and found that it really did suit or make sense for me. There are legal issues such as insurance, inheiritance and medical decison making which can be dealt with by proper planning and paperwork. My observation is that often times marriage is a sort of cop out over actually discussing and planning what you both really want. When people marry most of them go into a default mode, critical choices and decisions just fall into an undefined, undiscussed pattern based on your assumptions of how a marriage works and who does what. That may be the source of a lot of marital problems, each has unspoken, undefined expectations that become a problem if they aren't met. But when neither can define them, how can they be met? They become part of a pool of vague disatisfaction and blame. A ring won't solve that. You either love and are committed to a relationship or not a piece of paper won't change it. Laws may create a hesitation about getting out but won't restore lost love, desire or trust.

Life in the body is short, you don't get any extra points for suffering. Too many people are suffering in unhappy relationships. Give this some thought. There are good reasons for marriage, the question is if they actually serve You. So Why do you want it?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Please note for those that reply that the initial thread is 12 months or so old, therefore please read WiriN's post and reply to that post.

CW

[WildChild]

CW, Opps! point well taken I didn't look at the original date, just the date of the last couple posts. I made a typo on this, that dyslexia kicks in now and then. Meant to say I've realized it does not suit me. WiriN expanding your horizons is a good idea. In general it takes at least 2 years to get past the infatuation phase and see what is really there.

[Guest]

I have been with my boyfriend for three years and seven months. We have lived together for two years and five months. I really want him to ask me to marry him. I have felt like this for a while now. I have a friend that got engaged last week and she told me you know the saying " If you have lived togeher for over a year and he still hasnt asked you than he never will" Is this true? When I bought the subject up to him he kind of ignored me so I dropped it. Does this mean he doesnt want too?

you are a great person and worth the effort. sit him down and ask him point blank where the relationship is heading. if he ignores you, or says something like "I dont wanna talk about it", tell him you dont want to be in a relationship that isnt going anywhere (unless thats what you want) and that both of you deserve better.

If he still doesnt talk, well, I guess you have your answer.

[JustAGirl101]

I am a 29 year old female PhD student. I came across many online women writting letters with a similar question, that is, if\when I will get a proposal. I have done a lot of thinking on this question, so I decided to share my view on this. I hope this can help some of these women out there, who are waiting for a proposal.

Determine your priority: Do you need to be married to be happy in your relationship?


If you don't, then stay in your current relationship, and try to be happy and let go of the idea of marriage. If you can't let go, then maybe your answer to the initial question was a yes! What often happens, and that you really don't want to happen, is that you stay for years in a relationship filled with resentement and unhappiness, where both of you are not satisfied. This is unfair to you, and this is unfair to him. You both deserve a chance at a happy relationship, and you resenting him while at the same time staying with him prevents both of you from having a chance at a happy and healthy relationship.


If you do need to be married to be happy in your relationship, then maybe it's a better to wait until you are married before buying a house together with him, having kids with him, etc. But, even if you've already gone that path, it's never too late to do what you need to do to be happy. Here are scenarios, and options as to how to handle them:


1- You know you need to be married to be happy in your relationship, and you've talk about marriage with your boyfriend and it's clear that he absolutely doesn't want to be married. In that case, you need to leave him. That is the only way you can get what you need. Either you leaving will make him change his mind (unlikely), or, it will give you the opportunity to meet a man who will fulfill your need to be married.


2- You never talked about marriage with your boyfriend. In this case, an option is to test the water, and vaguely bring the topic of marriage to see what he thinks about it. If he avoids the topic, or directly says he doesn't want to be married, then you're off to scenario 1. If he seems open to it, then, follow steps for scenario 3.


3- You vaguely talked about marriage, and you know he is somewhat opened, but you still don't have a ring on your finger.


A. Mention that being married in the somewhat near future is something of crucial importance for you, something that you need. Leave it at that for now, and DO NOT mention it more than this ONE time, and don't talk about marriage unless he is the one who brings up the topic.


B. Now, you have already determined that you can't be happy in a relationship without being married. And, you don't want to be in a relationship in which resentement poisons everything. So, set yourself a timeline. 2 factors will help you determine that timeline: 1- How much time is needed to know someone enough to know if we want to marry them (typically around 1 year of dating). So don't set a 6 months time limit if you just met your boyfirned last week 2- How long can you stay in the relationship without having your discomfort with not being married or your resentment poisonning the relationship? If you've known your boyfriend only a couple months, and you already see resentment poisoning the relationship, I suggest you try to be patient or that you talk to a psychologist to help you deal with the anxiety of the wait. If you've been dating your boyfriend for a year or more, then just determine your goal timeline according to when you think the discomfort\resentment will start to be too detrimental for you and the relationship.


C. Now that you have your timeline, you just need to wait. But, observe your feelings, and reassess your timeline if you see that the discomfort or resentment starts to be too much.


D. The day when the timeline is up, if you didn't get a proposal with a specific date planned for the wedding, leave. You can explain to him that you've realized that, although you love him, you two don't have the same goals (marriage\kids) and\or the same timeframe for these goals, and therefore, you think it's better if you both just part ways, or continue to see each other casually, while also seeing other people. At this point, he will either decide to marry you, or you'll end up single, but at least you'll have the chance to find someone who's going to marry you. And, better be single than be in a unhappy relationship right?


I also considered other options, but I discareded them: sending subtile hints (the wedding magazine left on the table), giving threats\ultimatums, proposing yourself: You don't want to pressure your man into marriage, because one, a man who feels pressured usually just braces himself and can't think clearly and make a decision, and two, if he puts a ring on your finger under pressure, it's likely he will not follow through with the wedding, or may feel resentful because he didn't feel it was his decision. Men like to feel they've made the decision on their own. Plus, imagine your guilt if he blames you after, or he later wants a divorce when you have a house and kids?! You don't want that!


How did I come with these options? Well, it's because of my own experience. I am 29 years old, no kids. I was married once in my early 20s, now divorced. I was engaged once after that. What happened with my ex-husband and I is that I think we were definitely too young (21), and the second time, I made the mistake of saying yes after knowing the man for only 2 months. I am now seeing someone new. We've been dating for 5 months. He is my soulmate, and I've had the feeling we were the perfect match since the first few dates. But my clock is ticking and I know I need to be married in order to be happy in a longterm relationship. Plus, I rather be single than in a relationship that doesn't go anywhere. Before I met him, I had decided to not live with a boyfriend before having a wedding date set, but I felt that was too much pressure on the man, so instead, I set myself a timeline of one year and 4 months of dating (that is usual the timeline of "make or break" for me according to my past relationships). I decided that I was going to start to see other people if we didn't have a wedding date set by that time. In the meantime, I don't live with him yet, but I would. However, I would not make any major committment like buying a house together or having kids before we're married, or at least a wedding date is set. So to be continued in August 2011!


Good luck to all the women out there, who are waiting for a proposal.

[caterpillar79]

This is an old thread and OPs seem to have not come back after this. If you have similar issue/s, feel free to start a new thread.

Thread closed.