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Why does moving out mean i don't want to be with him?

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  • Why does moving out mean i don't want to be with him?

    I moved in with my boyfriend back in May. He got custody of his daughter in June. I have never lived with a guy before, but i thought i was ready for all of this, after 3 months, i don't think i was, or am.

    Every time i try to approach the subject he'd change it. if he wanted to talk I had to stop what i was doing and come talk to him, if he wasn't interested, nothing i could say would get his attention.

    He's a wonderful man and a good father, but i'm not ready to be a mother, or a step-mother. I feel like i'm still learning to take care of myself and i have no idea how to take care of two other people when i haven't even gotten my own two feet firmly on the ground.

    We have had other problems, but they're fixable. Sadly my boyfriend thinks that if we work on those, then this feeling of being overwhelmed and unprepared that i'm feeling, and have been feeling for almost a month now will just magically go away.

    I feel that i need to take a step back, move back out on my own, make sure that i'm secure in my life before I had a live in boyfriend and a ready made family to the mix. he thinks i've done good so far, so what i'm feeling can't be true, and that if i want to move out then what i'm saying is i want to move on.

    My step-dad tells me to trust my instincts, that while many people say to think things out logically that he knows my mother and i have always surivived better if we trust our gut feelings. My instincts tell me i need to move out before this goes from overwhelming to depressing.

    am i doing the right thing?

  • I myself am going through the same kind of situation, but its different in a few ways. I am not the step mom, I am the mom. I got pregnant when I was 17 and have been with her father ever since. Don't get me wrong, my life is great. My husband is a great father and has turned out to be a great provider. Although at the time I found out I was pregnant I didn't think it would be that way. Anyway, I am now almost 21 and feel like I have been cheated out of those crazy days I should have had. Somedays I wish I could just run away and live the life that i planned on having before. If this living situation is making you feel trapped in any way, my advice is you put yourself before everyone else while you still can. What I am going through is a decision that I made. And if I had a chance to do it over, I would probably do everything the same. But this isn't something you chose. And you wanting to move out is not a bad thing to do. You shouldn't feel bad about it. I am sure that he didn't get custody of his child with the pretenses that you would be its new mother. He probably would have done it either way. Now as for your relationship, moving out will most likely cause more strain on it. And could eventually lead to you guys braking up. If you are not ready to even live with his child, then thats going to mean a lot to him. He has made this choice to have a child and he is going to want to be with someone who enjoys being with them as much as him. I am not saying that it absolutley will never work, but you have to be prepared for that since you are making the first step. Sometimes relationships are flexable enough to survive something like this. Just do what you feel you need to do and if its meant to be you will stick together through it all. But you need to understand that being with this man long term means that you will eventually turn out to be a step mom in some kind of way. good luck to you

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    • i just had a similiar situation only the four year old child was mine and we moved intogether, i was depressed cause i could tell that he wasnt ready to be a stepfather and we were also almost having our own child, i misscarried at 3 months. i suggested i move out and get my own place so that we could work on being us first before trying to be a family and he said no, i wasnt moving out. than he said get out, lol a day later and i was like wtf??? we talked after the big explosion and i suggested we try to work things out being in seperate places and than see what happens he was being shady and trying to jerk me around no straight answers, so im all set now, hurt but all set sometimes when theres lack of or absolutley no communication u have to just let things go, as bad as it hurts. always do what you think will make you the happiest, you can live in a situation where your miserable that never works for anyone, good luck=) E

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      • wassup college chick
        im going through the same thing with my boyfriend but hes the one who wants to move out yes we have our problems but we have always worked though them when we first met everything moved rather quickly after only 2 months after dating he moved in with me even though we had been friends for about a year we talked on and off so anyway after 2 months he moves in everything is goin good we get along and have fun with each other so hear we are a year later and he decides we need to time apart to re-evlauate our relationship ok so we decide to break up but we still live together which is very confusing so now that he has decided to go and hes free to go he dosent want to leave and thats really confusing me because i dont understand how we are having time apart and breaking up but your still here its like nothing has changed we still sleep in the same bed we still make love we still cuddle and all that othe stuff and on top of that the other day he tells me hes in love with and that he really loves me but were still broken up so now i have no idea what to think i have put my foot down and told him that he can leave but i dont think he really wants to go there is a child involved also but hes my son and hes so good with him but i dont know what to think does this man really love me im the first real relationship hes been in the rest are just touch and go and all the other women have cheated on him or he has cheated on them but he has never cheated on me nor have i cheated on him i dont know what to think i love this man and i know he loves me or else he wouldnt be here so i can kinda understand you situation it is hard to let go and i know how your boyfriend feels because i dont really want my man to leave but sometimes things work out better if you take time apart and i kno that but i would rather stay together and work out our problems so think about whats gonna make you happy in the end

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        • I want to work things out

          Since all of this, he's changed his mind, he wants to date, but i don't feel i can trust his commitment. I want to rebuild the relationship. I still love him. He only wants to work on the relationship if i stay. I don't think i can handle being in a position where i'm reminded daily of what i feel we've lost. I need to heal, i feel we both need the space. But he thinks my moving out shows a lack of commitment, what does ending the relationship show? Why is this suddenly my fault.

          I don't feel happy i have an impossible choice to make

          do i stay with a man a love, but no longer trust

          Or do i leave to take care of myself and risk losing him forever

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          • Girl you have to do whats best for you do what makes you happy and if leaving him makes you happy then do it and once you gone hes gonna miss what yall have and he may change his mind about working on the relationship i kno you love him and it is hard to make a decision but would you rather stay and be miserable or leave and be happy and maybe hes a littlin insecure maybe he dosent want to be alone which i can understand too but if its not workng you have to give each other space room to breathe im in the same situation as you like i said before my boyfriend and i decided to take time apart so we are broken up however hes still here and i her him call me his ex-girlfriend and that really hurt and i thought to myself why the hell is this man still in my HOUSE and we arent together and i want to tell him to leave but for some reason i cant even though i kno im not happy with the way things are i cant bring myself to tell him to get out and i ************ for letting him stay.

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            • Separation Anxiety?

              I just moved to Vegas with my boyfriend of two years, I recently moved out and got my own place but i find it hard to separate myself. I find myself still spending every night with him, I keep telling myself that I won't anymore but i always make up some excuse to stay the night again. I don't want to break up, I just don't want us to be at the married stage where there's no excitement anymore.How do I make this transition? He's a good guy, Now he's askin me to just move back in since i don't even stay at my new place. I'm not used to being alone so its so hard for me! Any advice?

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              • College Chic. Do what is good for YOU. You are a very intelligent woman from the way I understand how you feel. If you are meant to be with this guy, you WILL be with him. BUT, you owe it to yourself to do what you described as living your own life before you buy off on a ready-made family. It may be that the ready-made family is exactly what you NEED. If that's the case, you will find this out in short order and you will be there. In any event, you will have done yourself a justice by stepping away from it long enough to really decide (by yourself without any pressure from anyone).

                Cheers. That's a tough move. I respect you for thinking about it this way.

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                • im in such a very similar situation. I'm to tired to get into details but just know this. The decisions you make will have dire effects on the relationship. All that being robbed of your "crazy days" stuff I'd overrrated. In my eyes there's nothing glorious about that, I don't drink, smoke, excessively party, maybe I'm just boring LOL but plenty of people get these thoughts, and several end up living in regret because of them. You knew your man had a daughter, she is not going anywhere any time soon. If you can't deal with it now, than you probably won't he able to for some time. It's not his job to wait for you to be "ok" with it. Trivial facts such as these are the reasons why people miss out on those who truly care for them. My girlfriend has a child, but I'd never let that get in the way, I fell for her, regardless of "mother hood status" do I think about, yea all the time. Do I think about leaveing, every day. Will I, not likely. Why, because regardless of mistakes she's made in her formative years, not one has and probably never will make me feel the way she does on a daily basis. She shows me how much she loves me constantly. I dunno your situation, but just be aware of the consequences, and don't turn your back on those who really care about you, because they're few and far between.

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                  • Do what you need to do. This isn't trivial in my eyes, as Davey thinks. If you're feeling overwhelmed and are fearful of it getting worse, then you need to get out. I can totally understand wanting to get yourself together and stand on your own two feet before committing to a family. It doesn't even have to be about having wild and crazy days. I had my own apartment for a year, lived completely on my own and self-sufficient and it was the most AMAZING experience. It was hard at times but so wonderful. I didn't live a crazy life, in fact I lived really quietly, but it was MY life, as I chose it to be. Now I'm in a totally different situation, in a different country where my boyfriend lives and doing a masters, but I STILL miss my apartment and the lifestyle I had.

                    I don't see this relationship working out. Don't let him guilt-trip you. It's b**llsh**t for him to threaten a breakup when you're just trying to do what's best. Put yourself first.
                    Well some people say that you shouldn't tempt fate, and for them I can not disagree. But I never learned nothing from playing it safe; I say fate should not tempt me. I take my chances.

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                    • Oh if you're not happy than yea you gotta get outta there. Maybe I read it wrong, but like I said, if you can't do it now, you probably won't he able to. He can't expect you to lie to yourself, and you can't expect him to wait for you to be ok with it. All I'm saying is give people a fair chance, don't hold things they can't control against them. we can all read these posts and give our opinions until were blue in the face, but you're the one with this tough decision to make and it definitiy sucks. But you know yourself better than every. You know what you want and what you're capable of.

                      My situation is unique, I put my girlfriend through so much BS that I ended up falling for her because she put up with it lol I never thought I would be with her, let alone live with her. But I guess the situation grew on me.

                      Moving out doesn't have to end your relationship but it will strain the relationship. All that means is your going to have to show home even more, that is if you're truly interested of course. But like I and the others have said, just follow your heart. You're young, so as they say, do you. I definitly don't blame you for not being in a rush to grow up. Who is.

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