[SaharaJim]

I was recently divorced and after a hard time started thinking that I don't want to be "alone" and I am not "young" anymore. So how ong after my divorce should I wait to begin dating. I have heard extremes from both ends, everything from "Whenever YOU feel ready" to "you need to heal..at least five years." The person honestly said that with a straight face. My AA friends are not a lot of help; other than to be sure I don't drink and leave the "newcomers" alone Not a problem..newcomers are so messed up they just need a year or two to start acting like reasonable adults...no thank you! I may or may not follow the advice given but I think I need to hear about it and think about it.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Not a problem..newcomers are so messed up they just need a year

That's the length of time you need

By all means date, that being just "friendships", have a good time, enjoy "company" but as for having no baggage, it will take time and the rule of the thumb usually suggested is 12 months.. By then you are sure you know what you want this time, and what you are looking for in a relationship, without the baggage.

[Little]

Look inside yourself really hard - you will know whether you are ready or not. It's not really a "length of time" sort of deal, since you might be taking your issues more head-on in one month versus another.

But as a rule of thumb, I always allowed myself one day for every month of a relationship to be completely prostrate with grief. You're already up and at 'em, so you don't need my rule

[jns]

The problem of rushing into a new relationship is with trying to fill what was lost with someone else, a new person who is unique. If you are doing a lot of comparison to your ex, it is too soon. You don't want to expect something from the new person that you never discussed like you had with your ex. It will cause confusion and hard feelings.

[Ashlee T.]

I'll approach it from this angle: Do I think you're ready to date? No. I am a firm believer that alone time is needed after a divorce or serious breakup. During that time you learn gradually to overcome feelings of "loneliness" because that's truly not the right reason to look for someone to be with anyway. Of course you don't want to be alone forever...most people don't. BUT there is no ticking time bomb that says if you don't rush back into the world of dating then you'll be alone forever. Another reason is, you're wounded and you've most definitely not had time to truly even begin healing. It is so incredibly unfair to start dating someone when you're in that state. In fact, most of the time when I see people jump back into dating when they know good and well they are still wounded and even a bit bitter, I consider it selfish and very self gratifying. In other words, the reasons aren't to meet a wonderful person who could potentially be YOUR person, the reasons are to make you feel better, to make you feel less lonely, to boost your self esteem. It is time to date when you don't need someone to make you feel better, when you don't need someone to make you less lonely, when you don't need someone to boost your self esteem.

[SaharaJim]

Thanks everyone...solid advice. I am considering "dating" not a relationship...but in fairness to those I date; how do I let them know that the date isn't "going anywhere"? I think that it is an arrogant assumption that that will even cross their minds; but (forgive me) you women are funny creatures, tending toward the subtle which misses most of us men.

[Little]

Say it plain, and say it in early conversations: You aren't ready for anything serious. And you're serious about that.