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Christians, Dating, and Sex.

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  • Christians, Dating, and Sex.

    I have a new question. But first, some background. I consider myself a Christian, but I didn't grow up in a religious home. I started going to church when I lived in another state, and I wanted to make some friends. It turned out that I really liked church, and I am a believer, and I agree with the overall positive message and family values associated with going to a non-denominational Christian church. Also, thinking long term, if I have a family some day, I would like my family to be involved in a church. However, I'm used to the idea of dating, and I want to have sex if I'm in a relationship. Premarital sex does not bother me at all. In fact I'm all for it! lol. I went too long with secular influence. I still tend to cuss when I'm angry, I don't read my bible as much as I should, etc. Now, maybe this is because I didn't grow up in a religious home, but when I started attending church I noticed that there were all different kinds of Christians. There are the kind that are total bible-thumpers, there are the kind that only show up on Easter and Christmas, and there is every level in between. Personally, I like to go every week if I can. But I don't run around preaching to my friends or trying to save people. I've attended a few different churches over the years since I started going. The problem I usually run into is that I have trouble meeting girls there. The church will usually even have "singles groups". But if I try to get involved in one of these groups, I find that I don't want to offend any of the girls there by asking them out on a date or pursuing a relationship. I'm also reluctant to do so because I get the sense that to date a girl from a group like this usually means a proposal had better be coming soon. So, I'm curious if there are any girls out there who are more like me, and if so, how do I find them? Anybody ever have any experience with this? I recently read someplace that Christians have as much premarital sex as non-Christians. If so, then maybe I'm not as unique as I think I am.

  • Very interesting situation. I am similar. I grew up in a religious culture and I was saved. But when I came to this country, I realized there was more tolerance for behaviors that were often condemned. I also realized that Christians were having premarital sex more often than I thought although it was of course discouraged. I was very conservative and always believed in sex after marriage, and still do. But throughout my college years, I focused on school, and not on relationships although I wanted to date. Never had a chance to really date and get to know people, and have any relationship experience. But yet I had the single Christian female expectation of meeting someone for marriage. Just never really had that chance or the right perspective on marriage and relationships. High expectations but very little experience. And I understand your feelings about single Christian groups at church which teach a "wait for the one" philosophy, which is difficult to follow. As I got older, now in my 30s, I realize the dating scene has changed and that premarital sex is fairly common. I found myself in a situation where I had sex because I felt tired of waiting for that "someone" who never came. Didn't really meet too many who were compatible although they were Christians. I met someone with whom I had a connection, someone who is not a Christian. I don't regret it but I do regret that it wasn't someone who was my husband or a potential husband. I don't want to date or sleep around. Never cared for it. I prefer a stable, long term committment. So, I do think that sex in marriage is better.

    I can understand Christian women wanting a husband rather than someone who may only stick around for a while, only to leave later at a time when they thought they'd be married. I think ideally Christian women want stability, not something which is temporary. They also want partners who they can have a family with so they're probably not going to want someone who is only interested in short term dating. They're probably also looking for a spiritual leader or person of faith so they're likely to want a guy who is a committed Christian, who they believe will keep the family focused on living a faith-based life. If faith is important to someone, I think that's a fair and reasonable expectation. I think there's still a strong feeling in the Christian community, justifiably so, that premarital sex signals that someone may be less likely to want a permanent committment later on since they are getting a perk meant for marriage outside of marriage, especially if there is no long term committment. And from limited personal experience, this seems to be true. But I can understand engaged couples (who's been together a long time) having premarital sex.

    And I don't really think it's such a bad thing to wait for someone who loves you and wants to make a long term committment before you have sex. Too many singles today expect to get all the perks of a relationship without a committment. I think many people, especially Christians are wary of this, which is why they hold out for something long term or permanent before they decide that sex is an option. I do regret not waiting longer than I did but then again, I waited a long time to have my first time (early 30s). So, not sure what was the right answer in the end. I doubt I would've been ready for marriage or a healthy committment in my 20s, so it was probably good I never found someone to marry then. Wouldn't have been prepared. But I think it's best to take your time if you really want someone great, loving, sincere, and worth your time, and not expect sex just because you think that by being in a relationship you should have it. I think this lessens the value of sex. Looking at sex as something that everyone has a right to have, makes people devalue it and devalue the experience of having sex with the people they're with.

    I'm sure many here will disagree of course but I've seen too many people used and abused in sex and relationships only to have those relationships break up or end badly, and take a huge emotional toll. To keep investing yourself emotionally and physically in an uncertain relationship which later ends, is very difficult. So I think this is why many choose to wait, understandably.


    • I am VERY Catholic; and my church teaches that sex outside of marriage is a sin. But our sexual powers are God given and basically good. As with all other things we must consider HOW we use them. If we use them in a selfish or hurtful to others manner then we are using them wrong. I believe that only one human was perfect and did not "sin"; avoiding the whole lengthy discussion of Mary and her status as "immaculate"
      For the rest of us poor mortals; our savior was born, died to redeem us for our sins and lived an exemplary life for us to learn from. We are born into sin and will not be free of it as long as we remain in human form. So we must determine a life in ALL things not just sex that we can avoid harming others and obey GOD's law. Notice that I speak of GOD's law not what men have "made of it". Before acting; ask of yourself, what would God want of me in this situation? Know that all sins are forgiven but remember that we must avoid harming others by our actions. In the end prayer and consideration of others will guide you to God's will for you. It is not for me or any other human to "judge"- that is between you and God. May God bless you and give you peace.


      • My only concern with the Church's approach to sex is the tendency to demean sexual interest rather than acknowledging the role of sex as a natural expression of feeling, hopefully love. Two people who care about or love each other will naturally want to have sex and be together. To suggest otherwise is a bit unrealistic. Nothing, imo, is wrong with wanting to be with someone you care about. So, the desire to have sex is not unnatural. It's the follow through that's the issue. Because sex has more consequences than is often understood or prepared for. It bonds you to the person, whether you want to feel bonded or not. The Church needs to do a better job of talking about the effects of sex on feelings and relationships especially emotional, biological, or social consequences rather than simply condemning sex as false or describing it as as an unnecessary need based on a sinful desire.

        So, expecting someone to take that step when you or they may not be ready or prepared for the feelings or expectations which may come with it is selfish, inconsiderate, and irresponsible. I also think having long engagements where two people are going to be constantly tempted and have to continuously suppress the desire to have sex to avoid sinning as it were, eventually gets more difficult. The Bible does say, "But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion (NIV, 1 Corinthians 7:9). So, God, who made sex, understands sexual need and desire. Of course, I don't think this means get married just to have sex. Marriage was never meant to be about finding someone to simply fulfill personal needs or desires. It was always meant to be a loving relationship in honor to God, NOT subject to every little feeling or desire which pops up. Sex, including good sex, never guaranteed love, a good relationship or marriage in any case. But if you really care about someone and you want to spend the rest of your life with them, and hopefully you seek God's counsel and blessing, then I think you're better of making the committment official and then going for it.


        • Hi James, I'm glad to learn that you've received Christ as Savior! You've been very honest in relating your feelings about premarital sex and I am aware of a website that might be helpful to you. (edit link) and self advertising God bless you!
          Last edited by CHANDLERS WISH; 05-10-2012, 03:47 PM.


          • On the sexual aspect of this discussion, I think if you meet the right person and if that person regardless of what they believe is not ready to have sex then you will wait. I have seen it done by many who were previously having premarital sex.

            Meeting like minded people who share your values is difficult enough in and of itself.



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