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Men and Proposals

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  • Men and Proposals

    Okay, so I'm just going to vent. I don't know if this will be coherent.

    Just to give you a little background, my SO and I have been dating for over 6 years, he was married once before no kids. I'm in my late 20s he's reaching 50. Throughout our relationship we have had many discussions about marriage. It was never a topic we avoided. The age difference was of concern to my family, but everyone seems to have gotten over that. When they did, I was stoked and started looking for venues because you have to book them almost a year in advance. Mind you he hasn't "formally" proposed, and his family still needs to ask my family for my hand.

    Meanwhile he has been searching for a house, and he found one. It was considerably larger than his current home. Which signals to me he is looking to start his family. Anyway, so all this time I am thinking to myself, okay he must want to get everything set up before we take the next step. That's noble and admirable. But the deal fell through and I feel like I have to wait until he finds the next home and then we can pick up looking for the venue, then we can get married and start our lives together. I feel like the last item on the agenda.

    Seriously. What is with men and proposing!? If you talk about doing it and say you will do it, just do it already. I don't need a ring, I don't need a house, I just want to start my life with him!

    So it starts making me feel really insecure. I start getting into this downward spiral of thoughts. "What's wrong with me? Why won't he take the next step? What's holding him back? Does he think I'm in this for the wrong reasons? Does he find the need to protect himself? Is there someone else (we had an issue where I found some photos, but he said it was nothing and I trust him and frankly I don't really want to go back to doubts. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and I thought we were passed that and that I was going to take his word for it.) Mind you he is purchasing the home. I'm not on the deed or title, which is fine it's not my money and I'm not trying to make claims for something that doesn't belong to me which should be an obvious indicator to him that this girl is legit.

    And we are perfectly happy together now, but I want to start a family and I know he does too, but I feel like we keep wasting time which we can't afford to lose. Are these valid thoughts I am having?

    I don't even want to bring it up with him because I feel like I will push him away if he is in fact dealing with any of the things I mentioned above. I don't want a fairy tale, I just want to get married, move in together and start our lives together. I mean, at least ask for my hand. Let's get the ball rolling!

    Feeling really awful right now.

  • Hmmmm....... is the urge to get married married married because you want kiddos? I guess what I'm asking, is this your biological clock ticking? Because you never, never ever ever want to have to force someone into marrying you.

    It seems you've been dating long enough for him to know that either he wants to marry you or he doesn't. Either he wants to have kids with you or he doesn't. Have you two discussed whether or not you're anywhere near on the same page? Because it sounds as though you may not be. At his age, he's in no rush. At your age, you are. At his age, he may not truly like the thought of starting a family (can you blame him at nearly 50??). At your age, you want to start a family (can't blame you for that either...) At his age, he may think what's the big deal about the legality of marriage considering he has had that and seen it end. At your age, you feel you need that legality.

    I'm not sure either of you are wrong in your feelings. But it definitely sounds like you're not on the same page.
    "Be what you're looking for."


    • I'm sure he was taught that you have to go through certain steps if you wanted to have a good marriage. So he is going through those steps. You are a generation younger, so you want to do things a more modern way. Is your family happy with him taking the time to find the right house or do they want things to move faster? His family? If his family wants things done in a certain order, they will have to be done in that order if you want them them to ask your family for your hand in marriage. Following traditions has a cost at times. It sounds like you have modern insecurities brought on by traditional requirements. Of course in the old days everything would have been arranged.
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


      • perhaps he is just "getting things in order", as it were..some men are like that..i know i am..it may be as simple as that
        [I]a smart man learns from his mistakes..a wise man learns from the mistakes of others..[/I]


        • Me and my husband talked about marriage for a long time until he finally proposed and he waited so long because he was wanting to make sure he was going to have a way to support us and such. Its most likely him wanting to make sure everything in order, to him maybe he wants to give you a ring and have a bigger house for you, I don't know.
          If you don't support our troops, feel free to stand in front of them!



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