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Do you tell men that you're looking for a serious relationship or marriage?

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  • Do you tell men that you're looking for a serious relationship or marriage?

    For fun, what do you ladies prefer? Do you say in your online profile or on a date that you want to be involved in a serious relationship? Has being upfront gotten the results you wanted?

    My opinion is probably not common, but I do subscribe to the philosophy in "Why men marry b**tches", such as let the man pursue you and let him be the one initiating commitment. When I would tell men that I'm looking for a serious relationship or ask "What are your intentions?", I found that I attracted "questionable" men that would just lie about being serious to get casual sex. I also found that some men were put off that I was announcing my intentions before they even had a chance to decide. When I started to relax on dates and not prattle on about commitment, I started to attract the serious-minded men that I wanted.

    There's no right or wrong answer here. I'm sure some women have had success with being upfront, but it hasn't worked for me. Just wondering what the rest of the women's approach is. Do you want the man to propose commitment or would you rather state it yourself beforehand?
    "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

  • Seriously? Doesn't that make it sound like-"I am looking for a _______; and anyone who fits that general mode will do." Certainly that is something you would want to "make clear" before any "serious" commitment (physical or emotional); but to just "announce it before you even have any idea about this person will probably make them feel like "goods" on a grocery shelf.

    Comment


    • Yes, I completely agree Sahara! What you just said is one of the reasons why I'm against stating my wants right away. I'm happy that you're sharing a male POV here. I think a lot of men feel that a woman is just looking for someone to fill in the position when she announces her intentions right away.

      I've been urged by loved ones and friends to state that I'm looking for a serious relationship on my dating profiles. They feel that doing so will repulse the time-wasters, but I disagree. A man looking for one-night stand can think "This woman is so eager for a relationship. I can just tell her what she wants to hear, and she will give in."
      "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

      Comment


      • Not sure if I am qualified to answer this since I always looked for non-long term/casual relationships and just fell into a serious one. JBut if I had to, I would probably say something like, "I hope one day to settle down, but right now I'm just looking for somebody who would be fun. When it happens, it happens. I'm taking it one day at a time." This statement gets the interest of the long-termer as well as the nice guy who just might be thrown off by long-term suggestions. I know in my dating years, if a guy said he was looking for something serious, I would have run the other way, even my husband. But when things fall together naturally without the pressure to "long-term" already floating around, I didn't want to run.

        I think many people aren't out there looking for "the one." But when they do find that person, they start thinking serious relationship.
        Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

        Comment


        • Sp-In my experience, the men that start talking about commitment and marriage on the first few dates are actually looking for casual sex. They just know that the marriage talk lures in unsuspecting women. I don't think anybody is stupid enough to say "I would never marry you and I just want to f**ck you."
          "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

          Comment


          • Sorry, I'm a computer 'tard and I cant do those quotes.

            "For fun, what do you ladies prefer? Do you say in your online profile or on a date that you want to be involved in a serious relationship? Has being upfront gotten the results you wanted?"

            I appreciate a woman being upfront, and the honest truth is if ANY of us met the right person then we'd be open to at least the idea of a long term relationship, only an idiot with issues would be afraid to pursue a long term relationship and potentially marriage with whom they thought was potentially the right person, in which case they're not the right person anyway.

            "My opinion is probably not common, but I do subscribe to the philosophy in "Why men marry b**tches", such as let the man pursue you and let him be the one initiating commitment."

            I think men like to feel like they've pursued and 'won' the heart of a woman with their 'skillz' Some men like a chase more than others. A women who acts like a ********** (being a ********** is subjective, just like some women like 'bad boys' some men enjoy the excitement and maybe even volatility a **********ier and firrier women may bring to the table).

            "When I would tell men that I'm looking for a serious relationship or ask "What are your intentions?", I found that I attracted "questionable" men that would just lie about being serious to get casual sex."

            Make him wait for the sex, if he's serious about you he'll hang around. If he likes and respects you he'll wait around and put the 'work' in he needs to do if he wants to prove to you he's serious. Lying about being serious for sex is a really underhand and ****ty thing to do.


            "I also found that some men were put off that I was announcing my intentions before they even had a chance to decide. When I started to relax on dates and not prattle on about commitment, I started to attract the serious-minded men that I wanted. "

            Men like to think that they're the ones who are making you want to be serious with them. Relaxing and being yourself is the key to finding compatibility, how can you find someone who is compatible with YOU if you're not being YOU?

            "There's no right or wrong answer here. I'm sure some women have had success with being upfront, but it hasn't worked for me. Just wondering what the rest of the women's approach is. Do you want the man to propose commitment or would you rather state it yourself beforehand?"

            As far as internet dating goes I like the 'cards on the table approach' so you know exactly what's going on. I was surprised with what a powerful tool the truth can actually be, you won't start getting what you want from life until you step up and start asking for it. I used to be terrified of asking girls out and it wasn't until I started making a serious effort I found myself sitting in restaurants, drinking in bars - and laying in bed - accompanied by women who I thought I NEVER had a chance with.
            "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]

            Comment


            • I'm not any definition of 'normal'. I didn't put myself into the dating scene once I had my sh**t figured out and I knew I was ready to put my all into someone. So once I was ready, I was ready for a real, in depth, no holds barred relationship that could **hopefully** lead to marriage. So once I started talking to the man I am dating now, I did tell him that I didn't want anything casual. One day I want to marry and have a family. He feels the same and wants the same, so it worked out for us. I didn't want my time wasted, I didn't want to put everything into a relationship that was going nowhere and would be useless. So being blunt always works best for me. Somethings in life, it's senseless to beat around a bush.

              Comment


              • Buddhaboy,

                The title"Why men marry b**tches" isn't to be taken literally. The author used a punchy title to just write about how men like strong and confident women that aren't needy and insecure about wanting a relationship. The author doesn't mean that men prefer aggressive or mean women. The book says what you're saying. That men want to feel like commitment was their idea and that they got the woman to commit to them-not the other way around. When a woman is begging a man to commit her, it can come off as insecure.

                It's my value to wait for sex until I fall in love, but some dates in the past have tried to grope me or ask sleazy questions. I knew that these men were bad news the minute they started to act like that, but they glammed up their dating profiles to make it look like they were wanting to settle down. These men knew that I wasn't looking for casual sex, but they still wanted to try to convince me into it. That's why I don't see the point in announcing my intentions to someone that I barely know. If a man loves me, he will let me know. If he doesn't want what I want, then I walk away. Simple.
                "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

                Comment


                • "you won't start getting what you want from life until you step up and start asking for it. "

                  I disagree with this. I was on an Indian marriage site years ago, and the men that responded to my ad knew what I was looking for. Guess what? These men on the site were looking for casual sex, and they were trying to convince me to get in bed with them despite knowing that I wasn't interested in that.

                  In this case, asking for a serious relationship just got me into uncomfortable situations. I sure as ******** don't want to be in that situation again. It's not pleasant when a date is grabbing your breast and asking if you have been to strip club.
                  "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by Magnetism View Post
                    "you won't start getting what you want from life until you step up and start asking for it. "

                    I disagree with this. I was on an Indian marriage site years ago, and the men that responded to my ad knew what I was looking for. Guess what? These men on the site were looking for casual sex, and they were trying to convince me to get in bed with them despite knowing that I wasn't interested in that.

                    In this case, asking for a serious relationship just got me into uncomfortable situations. I sure as ******** don't want to be in that situation again. It's not pleasant when a date is grabbing your breast and asking if you have been to strip club.
                    Magnetism, I'll rely to each point you made one by one; firstly though I wasn't trying to patronize you or suggest you were desperately pursuing men and throwing yourself into their arms in the desperate hope that a one night stand would transmogrify into a loving long term relationship. If it came across like that please accept my apologies.

                    I only scanned through that marrying **********es book years back; what I meant was some men find meek women boring and would trade in peace and quiet for a more fiery realtionship. I am not one of them and I wasn't suggesting you, or anyone alters your personality type (unless they have dysfunctional traits of course) to try and 'engineer' compatibility with a prospective partner.

                    "It's my value to wait for sex until I fall in love, but some dates in the past have tried to grope me or ask sleazy questions. I knew that these men were bad news the minute they started to act like that, but they glammed up their dating profiles to make it look like they were wanting to settle down. These men knew that I wasn't looking for casual sex, but they still wanted to try to convince me into it. That's why I don't see the point in announcing my intentions to someone that I barely know. If a man loves me, he will let me know. If he doesn't want what I want, then I walk away. Simple."

                    I wasn't trying to imply you were sleeping with every man on the first date just because his profile says he's looking for marriage or a long term relationship. That would have been very cheeky. All I was suggesting was that in order to eliminate the wrong men making them wait for sex is a great tactic, I was armed with the information about these awful men whom you've been unfortunate enough to have been subjected to, I'm sorry to hear this, I think you've just been quite unlucky.

                    I don't think there's anything wrong with stating your intentions, there is something wrong with a man knowing what you're intentions are, ignoring them, lying to you and then trying to drag you straight into the sack. In my opinion you did NOTHING wrong, and he did everything wrong, which may have been a blessing since he demonstrated his complete absence of honesty, values, and integrity almost immediately. I'm of the opinion that you should state your intentions; there's NOTHING to be ashamed of in wanting to find a great partner with whom you can enjoy a long term relationship with. I don't think we should have to hide our honorable intentions, the people who can't accept them aren't the ones we're looking for anyway, are they?

                    Re the asking thing and the breast grabbing, again, you did NOTHING wrong, the mentality of a man who does this, thinking it's acceptable is quite frightening.

                    "you won't start getting what you want from life until you step up and start asking for it. "

                    LOL, I should have clarified this, I left it wide open for misinterpretation, reading it now it's no wonder you took it the wrong way, sorry again.

                    I meant this in a more metaphorical sense, as in you need to ask life for what you want and refuse to settle for anything less than you feel you deserve from it. I think the two most important things to do when looking for someone is to 1) never give up; and 2) be yourself, an original is always worth more than a copy, be yourself, and compatibility will ensue.

                    Magnetism, you sound a bit frustrated with the whole online dating thing, and I feel your pain, I've been on some awful dates, worse than the one's you describe, and I know how disheartening it can be. Listen to this: once I was introduced to a girl through a mutual friend and we swapped numbers. A few days later (I hadn't texted her or called or anything) she texts me and asks if I want to go out. We go out and I take her to a bar. She actually pulls a guy in there and takes him home, like the three of us get the late bus back together, does that beat your story?

                    To conclude, don't let these hopeless losers make you feel like you should give up because they're all that's out there, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince, don't let the frogs convince you there are no princes left...
                    "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]

                    Comment


                    • Hi buddha boy

                      I'm sorry if I came off as accusing you of being patronizing. I didn't mean anything bad either, but was simply sharing my opinion. I'm also sorry to hear of that crazy online dating story! Yikes.

                      Thanks very much for your input. You do have a point that not everyone will be put off by stating your intentions. Yes, I often wondered what was wrong with me when I kept running into certain types of people. That's why I turned to relationship books like "Why men marry b**tches" and "Act like a Lady: Think Like a Man."

                      I'm glad you agree that waiting to have sex is effective for both women AND men (yes, even men). Believe it or not, I had a female friend that urged me to have sex sooner than I was ready with a man that I was dating. The whole point was to let the passion build and assess whether someone is serious or not.
                      "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by Magnetism View Post
                        Hi buddha boy

                        I'm sorry if I came off as accusing you of being patronizing. I didn't mean anything bad either, but was simply sharing my opinion. I'm also sorry to hear of that crazy online dating story! Yikes.
                        Thanks, it took me a while - I was younger and more sensitive back then, but I really can laugh about it now - so no need to be sorry. I can't judge every women by what she did, can I? It was difficult not to for a while, but imagine how bad I would have let things get (and it would have been my fault) if I had started treating all women as if they were like her, and holding them responsible? As I said, sorry to hear about these awful dates and how demotivating they must be, but a taste of the sour only makes the sweet taste sweeter!


                        [/QUOTE] very much for your input. You do have a point that not everyone will be put off by stating your intentions. Yes, I often wondered what was wrong with me when I kept running into certain types of people. That's why I turned to relationship books like "Why men marry b**tches" and "Act like a Lady: Think Like a Man." [/QUOTE]

                        I've read plenty of those kinds of books too, men's and women's. I don't there's anything wrong with turning to books in order to find assistance, and it's very easy to think you're doing something wrong when you can't seem to get to where you want to go with something.

                        I think internet dating has it's limitations, but as I said I also think you've been VERY unlucky (possibly you're too trusting? I'm guessing you're a trusting person, we tend to judge others by our own standards) with the men you've met and with their behavior.
                        What may be advisable is to perhaps join a different site, maybe a more expensive one, certainly not a free one, which attracts different clientele? I wouldn't give up with your search but certainly change where you're looking if the men are as bad as you say.

                        [/QUOTE] glad you agree that waiting to have sex is effective for both women AND men (yes, even men). Believe it or not, I had a female friend that urged me to have sex sooner than I was ready with a man that I was dating. The whole point was to let the passion build and assess whether someone is serious or not.[/QUOTE]

                        I think that making a man wait for sex is the best way to test his intentions. There are plenty of girls ready to have casual sex, so why men feel they need to manipulate girls looking for relationships into a quickie I'll never know. I wouldn't be offended at all if I met a girl online and she expected me to wait a couple of months for sex, if all I were after was sex I certainly wouldn't be waiting around for that long!

                        One very effective way of meeting people I've found is when you meet new people, is to arrange to socialize with them out of your social group and in theirs. This can be great fun, a great way of making new friends and a very productive way of meeting single people, this is exactly how I met my GF, we had sex the second time we met, and it's our one year anniversary soon, but it felt right and the safety aspect of me being a stranger (i.e. unknown internet man) was extinguished as I was a good friend of her best friend.

                        Good luck, thanks for the reply.
                        "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]

                        Comment


                        • Buddhaboy

                          I was under a lot of pressure to get married ASAP at that time.. Since many Indian parents grew up in a culture where casual sex was unheard of, they don't realize that some Indian men can exploit women. My parents were very shocked to hear that I ran into such men on Indian marriage sites. In their heads, Indian men have good morals and values. I think these marriage sites are a candy store for men looking for casual sex. They know that women are eagerly anxious to get married.

                          Once I started dating outside of my race, I started to meet people that were more respectful when it came to sex. I've realized recently that I never was happy dating within my race. I was only doing it to make my parents happy. I sometimes think it was a good thing that I met into the wrong Indian men. The experiences are what helped me venture outside of the box.
                          "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by Magnetism View Post
                            Buddhaboy

                            I was under a lot of pressure to get married ASAP at that time.. Since many Indian parents grew up in a culture where casual sex was unheard of, they don't realize that some Indian men can exploit women. My parents were very shocked to hear that I ran into such men on Indian marriage sites. In their heads, Indian men have good morals and values. I think these marriage sites are a candy store for men looking for casual sex. They know that women are eagerly anxious to get married.

                            Once I started dating outside of my race, I started to meet people that were more respectful when it came to sex. I've realized recently that I never was happy dating within my race. I was only doing it to make my parents happy. I sometimes think it was a good thing that I met into the wrong Indian men. The experiences are what helped me venture outside of the box.
                            I know there can be some cultural differences which affect the way men and women view members of the opposite sex. I don't agree with chaste societies (which in my opinion oppress women) and promote arranged marriages and view women who are not virgins as not eligible for marriage. I know these are extreme examples.

                            I used to work with an Indian women who was desperate to get married, her parents also pressured her and actually wanted her to enter into an arranged marriage, she refused so they challenged her to find her own husband. There were also a Sikh and Hindu couple whose parents were threatening to disown them if they didn't split up.

                            Interracial dating is, I think, pretty cool; I know girls who exclusively date black men, English men who prefer to date asian women etc... I once had a half Italian half Brazilian girlfriend for a little while,I couldn't believe it when she said yes after I plucked up the courage to ask her out, fond memories...

                            No one should be 'pushed' into marrying anyone; I think some more traditional people view marriage as a status thing and think other people will think they have something wrong with them if they're 'left on the shelf' and not married by a certain age. Add religion into the mix and not marrying can be seen as deviating from religious and cultural values which may be a big problem for some.

                            Regardless of race I think, as I said before, it all boils down to compatibility, for you especially this sounds like it's dependent on finding someone who shares your values. If you're religious (and practicing) perhaps participating in social events at your local place of worship may be a good networking opportunity?

                            Good luck
                            "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]

                            Comment


                            • I'm not female but I would prefer a girl state what she wants up front. For myself a serious tag would be a positive thing because I would have no interest in random sex outside of my personal eventual goal of marriage + 1-2 kids. That of course isn't saying the relationship would get that far, only that starting out we would want similar things.

                              Comment

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